Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Get a Life

Not necessarily my own!

Last evening I suggested to my wife that our neighbors were actually aliens. I am not talking about from Mexico or Haiti aliens. No! I am talking about Alpha Centauri, Rigel 7, or Saturn type aliens.
She is very aware of my logical thought process.
"OK, let's hear it."

I explained to her that when we moved recently,we moved into a "sleeper agent cell incubation pod area." They probably have some kind of capsule they eat or they consume "Earthlings". These people are not earthlings.

"Did you ever see them buy groceries? Did you ever see them eat?" The answer to that is "NO!!!" These people are clearly not from Earth.
She salvoed with, "I smelled barbecue steaks cooking next door." " Spray!" I answered.
"It makes them seem human."
"I rest my case".

My wife looked confused and befuddled. Then a sense of clarity and resolve came over her face.

WIFE:"Wait a minute, Clarence Darrow! Aren't you the same person who chased a car to North Carolina because you thought Jesus Christ was in the car and you wanted his autograph?
Aren't you the one who was attacked by seagulls on the beach because you had a watermelon on your head?
You thought you had a connection with Peter Noone of "Herman's Hermits" because his limo ran over your toes?
Aren't you the very same person who told our next door neighbor to "Get off my lawn" because you thought you would be like Clint Eastwood that day? Wasn't this you?"

ME:"Yeah.......What's your point?"
WIFE: 'The point is....GET A LIFE!!!!!

Hmmm!!! I thought I had one. I tried to model after someone I admired and respected, Clint Eastwood. I also have a striking resemblance to him. That doesn't hurt. I have to admit that I had to cut back on my Eastwoodness after the incident at Food Lion. The incident that nearly got me arrested.
The Incident: I got to the checkout line and the clerk asked me how many bananas I had purchased. Sadly I got caught up in the moment and said, " I know what your thinking, punk. Your thinking "Did he buy six bananas or only five?" " Now to tell you the truth I forgot myself in all the excitement. But being this is a Platinum Discover card, the most powerful credit card in the world and will blow your head clean off, You have to ask yourself a question: Do we take Discover? Well, do ya, punk?"
I am banned for life from Food Lion.

That did not "make my day".

I have tried being Clark Gable but that "Frankly, my Dear, I don't give a Damn." did not sit well with my wife since that would be my answer to any question. I gave that one up after a few hours. She still won't talk to me. Now I give a damn.
Cary Grant? "Judy..Judy...Judy"..Hmmm..I tried it and I sound like Goober Pyle.
I tried "Bogie" last week. I was saying stuff like: "We don't need no stinkin Food Lion, Here's looking at you, Kid." That kind of thing.
I even tried James Cagney. I was chasing squirrels Monday. I was hollering, "You dirty rodent!!!!"
I have though of seeing a Psychiatrist, but I started acting like McMurphy in "One flew over the cuckoos nest" and I was afraid of Nurse Ratched.
My wife just shakes her head and says, " You are not well."
I occasionally slip into lucidity.
Well, I guess that's life. But not mine.
The only time I feel like my genuine self is when I am somebody else.


  1. We have neighbors who have lived across from us for years. They've spoken to us twice. I've waved, shouted hello, brought their rat dog back to their house when he crosses the street, and they act like we don't exist. Maybe they're aliens too?

  2. I work at a corner store and 25% of the people that come in give me reason to shake my head and roll my eyes. Now I know. They're aliens, it's the only answer. Hey Clint, or should I say Mr. Eastwood, thank you for that revelation.

  3. You totally crack me up.

    I don't know my neighbors directly across the street either. However, twice now he's rung our doorbell in the middle of the night to let us know that our garage door was left open. After four years it just seems to weird to come over and introduce ourselves though. Maybe they think WE are the aliens??

  4. Do you have a book title, "How to serve people." and it is a cookbooK?
    That might be a hint.

  5. Aliens!!! That explains everything!