Thursday, September 16, 2010

Organized Religion...Really????

Finding Religion

My wife and I were raised Catholic. I was an altar boy. I had to give it all up. Bad knees.

My wife, on the other hand, gave it up for an entirely different reason. The Catholic Church switched from Latin to French (In Quebec). She finally realized what they were saying.

We still go to church. Weddings and funerals. But we try to avoid it whenever possible.
The Catholic church kept changing the rules. You can't eat meat today. Oh, never mind. Do I have to go to confession? Not really? Maybe...Possibly, could be?
The language used to be Latin. That was cool. We had our own obscure language. Just us few. Catholics, Lawyers, doctors and Mary O'Brien, our high school Latin teacher.

My wife and I decided we wanted an easier religion. Something not based on guilt or hate. Something where we don't have to wear funny hats on certain days. Something where we don't have to fast for 52 days or eat strange food, or refrain from eating strange food.
I am thinking about making a list of things I want out of my religion.
Since all religions believe in god, I can sort through the ones that appeal to me.

I have decided that religions that put too much emphasis on sex are not for me. I am too old and too married. Perhaps fifty years ago that would sound appealing. Now It sounds exhausting. I cannot imagine being a bigamist or going door to door in a black suit and white shirt with pamphlets. That pretty much eliminated the Mormons.

I thought about becoming Jewish but I don't like the beanies. I had to wear one during my freshman year of college. Not much fun. I would have to go through some kind of ceremony, I'm sure. I wonder if I would have to be circumcised again?
Not happening!!!!
Cross out Judaism.

Baptist have good music. They like to sing a lot. My problem there is the beer situation. I like to have beer and dance when I hear good music. They don't.
I find the alcohol thing a bit odd. I am sure Jesus took a nip of wine at the last supper.
Maybe it was Welch grape juice.

I have eliminated Christian Scientists. My best friend's father died of a very treatable condition. He was a Christian Scientist....and an Accountant. What if my appendix is about to burst? Do I go to a Christian Science reading room and hope for the best? Do they have a 911 number to call? I think not.
They are off my list.

Jehovah Witness...Hmmm! What if I fall down at the non Christmas party and I need blood? I am too old to say, " Thanks anyway doc, just let me lie here and bleed to death." Too many strange rules.

Muslim....My wife won't wear the I commanded her to do. She is an infidel.
I will have to pass on that religion.

Buddha....give me a call. You sound pretty relaxed as far as religion goes. However I will not set myself on fire to make a point.

I even tried to read the bible for guidance. This is something I have never done.
I had problems from the very beginning. Genesis!!
OK...God can do some wonderful things.
He made the earth in 6 days and then took a day of rest. Actually God could have done it with a snap of his finger. He is, after all......God. I guess he wanted to make a little project out of it. Then he took a rib from Adam to make Eve. Ok!! I like that part.
Now everything seems start unraveling and I am only two pages into the book.
A serpent talks the folks in Eden into take a bite of the forbidden fruit. I have problems with this part. A talking serpent? A gecko perhaps! The Forbidden Fruit? Acai, I suspect.

Well shortly after they ate the forbidden fruit, Adam realizes that Eve is as naked as a Tijuana Stripper....(or Jaybird?)........Eve grabs a leaf, Adam nod towards the tree house and ask, "Would you like to see my palm hammock?" and Eve says with a wink, " I'd love too." and she did.
Shortly thereafter they were expelled from Eden and I think they ended up in Perth Amboy, New Jersey. But I haven't got that far yet.

It is pretty complicated reading for me. Too many thees, thy, thou, to many words that end with eth. "Ye sayeth thee art badeth of all thine peopleth." Huh???!!!!

After that it gets confusing. I thought Goliath was about 24 feet tall. Even the bible is confused about this. At one point, it is said he was about six and a half feet tall, another biblical scholar said about nine feet tall. I suspect he was was the "Shaq" of his day. A big guy. Not twenty four feet tall, not nine feet tall, but I suspect he could dunk a basketball if he was in shape.
Apparently he wasn't in great shape. He had a head like an over ripe melon. David hit it with a rock and he keeled over dead. Shaq would have said, "What was that, a gnat?"
Then David beheaded Goliath. This is a good story to tell your children.

I am a little confused about the ten commandments. Isn't that a nice round figure. I suspect there was more commandments but Moses dropped a few stone tablets on the way down. After all, he was up there for forty days. He might have been a little cranky on the trip down. I am questioning Moses work ethic.
I can picture him negotiating with God.
God: "Did you bring a quill and some papyrus, Moses?"
Moses: "Nah! I have good memory."
God: "I have 16 commandments for you."
Moses: "16? Could we round that off to 15?"
God: "Ok, but I will have to throw in some and/or in the mix"
So God gives the commandments to Moses. God says "repeat them back!!!"
God says, "I knew it, I knew It. Here!!! I made these commandments in stone. Bring em down the hill. All fifteen. 3 tablets."
Moses:" That's not a hill, that's a mountain."
God: I know what it is, Einstein. I made it. Remember?"
Moses: "Einstein????"

Moses leaves the mountain. He gets to the bottom after twenty days and says, "Hey, ya'll gather round. I've been yonder. I gotcha ten commandments for ya'll ya'll." (he apparently spent some time in South Carolina)
This is what I think happen.

I read on a little further.
Wow!!! Did you know that Methuselah lived 969 years? Noah...950 years...Adam...930 years? What were these guys eating? No trans fats or high fructose corn syrup.
Did Noah once say, "Hey...I haven't had sex in 881 years. I am getting a little cranky."

I wonder.....these people lived a long time. I think there is a book of the bible missing or it is in Commandments 11 through 15.
It's called "Recipes and lifestyles".
It is somewhere between Genesis and Revelations...somewhere, possibly.
Some strange stuff going on in that bible.
I will keep looking. I will stick with Catholic...for now.


  1. My fundamentally religious aunt was on the Bible diet. No lie. She could only eat things that were in the Bible. Which is great if you live in the Mediterranean. But fresh figs and dates and manna are hard to come by in Northern Wisconsin in January. Maybe that's why she lost so much weight.

  2. having fun with all of this but so time consuming. atheism works for me.

  3. Of COURSE you knew nothing about the Bible--you were raised Catholic. Catholics know nothing about the bible (speaking as a former one). But I do like your sharing what you're learning.

  4. Jon, I think I love you. I've just gotten home from a very hectic shift. Hubby is working and I'm sitting here surrounded by three cats. As I read your blog I started to giggle. It then turned into laughter, tears and all. I scared the hell out of the cats. Thank you for the perfect ending to a very long day.