Thursday, August 27, 2009

Aging with grace and other lies

Where did the years go? I just filled out something on the internet where you have to put in your age. The day and the month were easy. It took me twenty minutes to scroll down to the year. The strange thing is; I feel pretty darn good. I mean if I don't make any quick movement and don't venture to far away from a toilet, I'm fine. In fact, I have my body functions so well in sync, I can make it to a toilet with milliseconds to spare.
I have taken good care of my body. I can usually walk without a limp. I can lift my left shoulder over my head. This is good for waving and stuff like that. My right arm is ok.
I mean it looks ok, just don't ask me to do anything with it such as lift. The fingers work fine. My sciatica doesn't bother much. My hips are feeling much better since I retired.
My head: I see fine out of my right eye. The eye drops twice a day keep the glaucoma at bay. My left eye, everything is a big smudge. right ear good, left ear; not so good.
The 3 pills a day keep my Cholesterol, BP, and Triglycerides at bay. So....I am really feeling great. This is par for the course for someone 67 years old.
Growing old is not for the young.
Different things matter when you get older. The senior citizen discount is one of them.
I earned it. I made it. My wife and I were regular customer at Dunkin Donuts. I always asked for the senior citizen discount. Then things changed. One day I put in our usual order and I again asked for senior citizen discount. The clerk had an attitude that day. She wanted proof that I was a senior citizen. she wanted to see my ID. Yup, I got carded to buy a donut. The discount age is 55. I was 66.

My Birthday. A good birthday. one could say a great birthday. It was perfect. an eventful day. well, it was almost perfect. The helicopter ride was great. The Aquarium was great. the companionship was wonderful. Things started to come unravelled at the restaurant. we had three ladies sitting at the next table. They seemed to be very talkative and really seemed to be enjoying themselves. laughing and carrying on. my wife told them it was my birthday. one of the ladies ask how old I was. I told them. They said Happy Birthday....That’s it!...They didn’t say “no,no impossible, you are much younger.” or, “oh stop it, If you are going to lie about your age, make it believable.” nothing like that, nothing...I cried myself to sleep that night.

Stuff like that gets me a little edgy. There are other things that are more alarming. I fell asleep in the chair last week. I woke up and my wife had a mirror under my nose. I asked her what she was doing. "I was checking to see if you were breathing." I was. a similar thing happen yesterday at the beach. I have the capability of holding my breath for a long time. I have often stayed under water for a while. The other day my wife yanked me by the hair and pulled my head up. She asked, "Are you OK?" I was.

The last incident was the most terrifying. I couldn't sleep so I went downstairs and slept on the couch. I got up in the middle of the night and went to the half bathroom. I did what I had to do, got up to flush, I checked to make sure everything came out ok. A person does that when they get older. Everything was not all right. Part of My intestines had come out and were in the toilet. I was overcome by panic. I stuffed my intestines back in me the best I could. Prolapse intestine. that's what it was. I hollered to my wife. Woke her and told her to call 911. She wanted to know what happen. I told her.

"You fool.!!! You just stuffed chicken gizzards up your butt. I forgot to flush them after I cleaned the chicken."

It took me two days, a mirror, a pair of plier, and ex-lax to get straightened out. "am I ok?" I am!

Friday, August 14, 2009

Our "emergency phone"

This time it's final. We did not learn our lesson the first time. We will be getting the sledge hammer ready.My wife and I really hate cell phones. We think they are the scourge of the 21st century.
Gone are the days when we could say, "865J3 and you could talk to your neighbor with 7 other families listening in if you were on a "party line". The phone rang once if it was for you, twice if it was someone else on the party line. If they talked to long you shouted, " get off the line, you've been on for ten minutes. I have to call aunt Tessie."

Life is so different now. Everyone seems to be in their cellphone "bubble". They are totally unaware that they are surrounded by people or vehicles. You hear some strange loud conversations. It can get really weird. I heard something like this. "Hey Linda, I am at Walmart. The boil on my ass broke last night and I am getting some medical stuff. Do you need anything? Beano and four cartons of Depends? Hold on a second. I have to turn down the volume on the speaker phone."
Don't they know there are other people in the area? I guess not.
Someone actually walked across my back on the beach while talking on a cell phone.
I shouted "HEY!!!" Wow, did I get a dirty look for interrupting his conversation.
I have heard of instances where they have rang in court rooms, church, in the doctor's office despite the signs that tell you to turn off your cellphone or do not use it. People ignore it.
Wouldn't it be ironic if a person smashed into a phone booth while talking on a cellphone. It won't happen. There aren't many phone booths left to smash a vehicle into. I have seen cars go over a curb with a woman talking on the phone. She didn't signal for a turn. How could she? She only had two hands. I could go on endlessly about how good manners went out the window in the age of the cellphone. But lets talk about my cellphone.
We got our first cellphone for an emergency. It was a cheap Tracfone made by Nokia.
It actually worked pretty good. The problem started with the voice mail. People were leaving messages on our voice mail and using up our minutes. This was happening many times a day. They would tell to call "Nigel in Liverpool for a very important message." We tried to track who was making these calls with no success. They were just eating up our minutes with bogus phone calls. We never got to speak to anyone and our minutes disappeared. After our minutes were gone we put the hammer to the Tracfone.
One day we thought; we need a phone for an emergency situation. No voice mail. We bought a Tracfone. This time it was made by Motorola. It took an act of god to activate it.
We talked to customer support in Honduras, Indonesia, Nepal and Bolivia. The Bolivians were helpful. they said, "What were you thinking, buying another Tracfone?"
I told them I couldn't find a network. They told me to go out, stand on my roof and face northeast. IT WORKED!!!...
The other problem is the batteries stay charged for only 7 minutes. Then it starts saying things like, "help me! help me! I'm dying." I am a problem solver. I ran an extension cord from the bedroom to the roof. It is on continuous life support. IT WORKED.
Life is good.
Wait a minute. Do I hear the cellphone ringing? We have a tin roof!!!! It's raining!!!!
This better be important. Be right back.

Thursday, August 13, 2009

The big Makeover


Alas, I must confess, my hair is not really platinum blond. Perhaps it is really " getting gray". I hate to admit I won't.
My wife sees my hair completely different than I see my hair. I look into the mirror and I see "some" gray hair. She sees a guy with white hair with streaks of gray. I say there is some brown there. She says something about a river. Something like "the Nile is not only a river". What does that mean? Why do French people always pronounce "the" like "de".
Last spring I went to get a haircut at a barber school. I asked them to cut the gray out of my hair the best they could. They shaved my head. That should have been a hint.
This spring my wife suggested that it might be wise for me to go to the fitness Center and start working out. "Me?" I was mystified. I am in my 60's and in grape shape. My nasty rejoinder to her statement was, " I have the body of a 25 year old man, I'll have you know." Her answer was, " well, you better get it back to the mortician before he discovers it's missing."
I must confess that my body does have a few shortcomings. Or is it just in my head?
My wife says, "No, it's everywhere."
That wasn't what I was asking. I meant; is it mental?
At one time, my glasses were so thick and heavy that if I hadn't got the ultra thin lenses I would be wearing a neck brace just to hold my head up.
At one time I tried to grow a mustache and I ended up looking like Hitler. I also had my head shaved. I looked like Mussolini. I don't look good with the pre-1950 fascist nazi look. This is not the image I was striving for.
I have been investigating the possibility of a make over. I went to one beauty shop and I showed them a picture of Clint Eastwood when he 60ish. I asked if they could make me look like that. They said, "Sure, We will get the mask from Spencer's and we will get the wood for the stilts from Home Depot." I was not amused.
Perhaps it isn't to late for a makeover. This can be fixed. I mean, I don't scare children, women do not shudder, men don't look at me with pity in their eyes. Cats do tend to hiss and run at me sideways and pekingese dogs bark at me endlessly. Other than that....I'm good!

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

Don't bug me with your questions. I'm busy sacrificing a virgin.

The two subject that get people all fired up.
I started a blog today. Unfortunately, It just meandered from my original idea into politics. I was ready to give it up. I am sick of politics, politicians, and political correctness. I gave up on politics. lets try religion. I have always enjoyed humor that provokes thought. I am more spiritual than religious. It is the same with my wife. It is a personal thing. I just don't like the direction that organized religion is leading the world. It is to political.
I thought this piece was clever and thought provoking. Hopefully no one will be offended by this, and see it for what it is: very clever humor. It was first published on the internet in 2002. I am not sure who wrote it.

Why Can't I Own a Canadian?
Dr. Laura Schlessinger is a radio personality who dispenses advice to people who call in to her radio show. Recently, she said that, as an observant Orthodox Jew, homosexuality is an abomination according to Leviticus 18:22and cannot be condoned under any circumstance. The following is an open letter to Dr. Laura penned by a east coast resident, which was posted on the Internet. It's funny, as well as informative:
Dear Dr. Laura:
Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination. End of debate.
I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some of the other specific laws and how to follow them:
When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord - Lev.1:9. The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?
I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?
I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness - Lev.15:19- 24. The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.
Lev. 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?
I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself?
A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination - Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this?
Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here?
Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19:27. How should they die?
I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?
My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev. 19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? - Lev.24:10-16. Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)
I know you have studied these things extensively, so I am confident you can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging.

Wednesday, August 5, 2009

Confessions of a Trivia Hoarder.

Life, as I had known it, changed on September 4th, 1998. I am a trivia freak, and information hoarder, a minutiaeholic. Nothing is too insignificant for me to attempt to remember. At one time my favorite author was Fred L.Worth. He wrote trivia books. Did you know that a golf ball has 336 dimples? The shortest verse in the bible? Jesus wept. Gerald R. Ford's name is really Leslie King. "SOMEBODY STOP ME!!!!"

What, you may ask, is the significance of September 4, 1998.
Google was founded that day. I have not been the same since. This is like a drunk waking up in a brewery. One google is too much, fifty million googles; not enough.
Information is my drug of choice. Don't get me wrong, I won't turn down a Molson's on a hot summer day as long as I have my computer nearby. Did you know Molson's has a brewery on Notre Dame in Montreal? Hmmm, I may have to google Molson's.
I need to know more. be right back...... ok! click the link if you want to know about their beer.
Usually my trivia problem is not really a problem unless someone ask me a question.
No question is trivial; all questions are trivia.
One day a person on the beach made the mistake of asking me what time it was.
I told him the time and the history of the clock. After twenty minutes he said he was getting hot and needed to go swimming. I thought that odd. It was night. It was December and he was not wearing a bathing suit. If he had waited a few minutes I could have advised him of the wicked rip currents at that exact location. Oh well.

I have actually found an application for my skill. My wife gets into bed and says " Tell me about the Mayan Civilization." She is asleep within five minutes. I can have her sleeping in three minutes with "The Peloponnesian Wars."
Some nights, when she can't sleep, she tiptoes down stairs and says, " could you tell me a bedtime story"? The "Eisenhower Years" or " The Wit and Wisdom of Regis Philbin" usually puts her asleep on my lap in about a minute and a half.
It is good to have a useful skill. I have often googled google, which comes from the word GOOGOL, which is 10 to the hundred power.
OOPS! Here I go again. Did you know that google is official in the dictionary now?
Someone!!!! ....please help me!!!...Did you know that there is ODC helpline? Well, There is. I am wondering if it is near Googleplex. That's a neat place. I can see your house on google map. Did you know that? Did you ever google your own name? Liar!!!! I must go medicate myself... now!

Monday, August 3, 2009

Life Philosophy update: BREAKING NEWS!!!!!

With the recent success of "Slumdog Millionaire", NBC headquarters in the GE building has announced the return of the highly successful series " Friends".
This is great news for the network that has been languishing at the bottom of prime time ratings.
It will be a little different this time however. It has been outsourced to India. The actors will work for almost nothing and the quality of there production is...ummm..acceptable. It is kinda like Information Technology in North America.
I called NBC in New York to get more information. They put me on hold for thirty five minutes but now I am talking to someone named "Jessica". I cannot understand many word she is saying. I asked her where she was located. She said Bangladesh.
I will get back to you with details as soon as I get them.

Sunday, August 2, 2009

The day I saw Jesus

When my wife and I go shopping we never know what or who we are going to see. We saw a celebrity the other day. At least I believe I saw a celebrity. My wife is not so sure.
I probably should trust her judgement but I do not see famous people very often so I was all excited and irrational.
It all happened when we went to the supermarket. As we walked out I saw a nice looking SUV parked illegally in the fire lane in front of the store. I looked down at the license plate and It said Jesus. I said to myself, "He's back!" I couldn't really see in the windows because they were tinted. I believe I saw some movement in the back seat.
I was going to pound on the back window and ask for an autograph but before I could actually do it a dark skinned person came out, got into the driver seat and started to drive away. My wife says the guy was African-American, I say he was middle eastern.
I told my wife that I had to get an autograph. An autograph by Jesus would bring a good amount on EBay. We hopped into the car and started following Jesus. He started heading north. My wife insisted that is not Jesus. I said that it was him in the back seat and the middle eastern guy was his chauffeur. My wife asked why he was driving a gray Toyota SUV with North Carolina license plates in the back. "dependable vehicle" was my answer. My wife insisted that he should be driving a Honda if he wanted dependability.
We lost him several times in traffic and we had to speed to catch up with him. At one point we pulled along side the vehicle and I held up a pencil and waved it at the Toyota. The Toyota took off like a bullet. The way the chauffeur was driving it was a .....miracle...miracle?....miracle that he didn't get in an accident.
I was pulled over by the North Carolina State Police just before we reached Wilmington.
He asked me what I thought I was doing. I told him I was trying to get Jesus's autograph.
I was ticketed for speeding, stalking with a vehicle. I will be arraigned after a psychiatric evaluations.
I was told that I was chasing a black Baptist minister from Charlotte, North Carolina.
I don't believe them. Do not confuse me with facts. I have my mind made up.