Tuesday, December 27, 2011

The goof of the magi.

Christmas!  Either you love it or hate it.  It can be filled with joy and sadness, sometimes both.
The little French lady decided that we should have a traditional Christmas this year.  I thought it was a good idea.  We both discretely hinted at what we would like for Christmas.  
The only hints were: I wanted an Apple product and she wanted something that smelled good or looked good. (Something other than me.)

On Christmas eve we opened our gifts.   I had an iphone.  I got my wife a nice sweater and a gift pack of Kama Sutra gift soaps, sprays, and perfumes.  I really liked the packaging of the product. It was kinda sexy.

My wife had my iphone all set to go and I was ready to roll.  I called a few friends and relatives.  She called her family in Canada.  We had a very nice evening.

The next day we decided we would eat out.  We got all spiffied up.  We were looking good. She wore her new sweater and had bathed in her new bath oils from Kama Sutra.  She drove, I texted and called friends.  I enjoyed texting very much. (LOL!!)  I learned all the funny little smiley faces and shortcut abbreviations.

We had a very enjoyable dinner.  I enjoyed eating and texting (LOL!!!)  My wife...not so much.  

The waitress asked, "Would you like dessert, Sir?"  
Waitress: "Would you like the rest of your meal in a doggie bag?"
Me: (dirty look) "WHAT...EVER...!"...Listen Mike,  I gotta go.  Some waitress is annoying the hell out of me.  See ya!!!! (pushing a button) "Dave, sorry to keep you on hold so long, some waitress was annoying the hell out of me.....Dave?....Dave?"
Wife: "Please, let's go home.  I don't feel so good."
Me: "Wow! Not only is the wait staff rude, but the food makes you sick.  What a joint."(LOL!) "I'll drive. You don't look so good.  Your eyes are all puffy and your breathing kinda weird." 

She got in the car and immediately fell asleep.  
I got her home safe and sound.  It was a bit of an adventure. 
As it turned out she was not asleep. She was unconscious.  She had a severe reaction to the wool sweater (she had an allergic reaction) and the bathsoap and perfumes (also allergic to that).  She is fine now.

I thought I would try to text while driving.  It's legal.  My wife was asleep.  She wouldn't know.  The road is nice and straight.  This will be a piece of cake.
I thought things were going really well until I got about 3 miles from home.
Apparently some County cop is annoyed because she has to work Christmas day.
County Cop: (hereafter referred to as CC) "Could I see your license and registration please?"
Me: "Sure....as soon as I am done texting some people in Ecuador."
CC: "NOW!!!!"
Me: "OK! You don't have to be rude."
Me: "Is there a problem officer?"
CC: "Yes, you have been driving on the sidewalk for the last 2 miles."
Me: "Impossible!! My wife would have told me."
CC: "Wife? What wife? I only see this very tired and bruised dog with its leash hooked to your side mirror."
Me:"I don't own a dog. You have the wrong guy. "(LOL!!!)
CC: "Yeah. You hooked onto the dog when you ran over the ladies toes."
Me: "What lady?"
CC: "The one that was standing by the mailbox with her dog on the leash, fool!"
Me: "Where's my wife? She's not feeling good.  She ate some bad food."
CC: "She's probably not feeling much better right now.  She fell out of the car when you ran over the mailbox.
Me: "Oh...no!  She had my doggie bag on her lap."
CC: "She's fine.  She landed on the lady at the mailbox."
Me:  "OK...can I go now?"
CC:  "Not so fast, speedie.  Have you been drinking?"
Me: "Nope!!!"
CC:  "Well, I guess you haven't broken any laws in South Carolina.  Try not to drive on the sidewalk any more.  I see you are a Republican.  You have a "Goldwater" bumper sticker. That's good enough for me. Return the dog to the lady with the flat toes, pick up your wife and drive safely and have a Merry Christmas."

Me: (texting)  Hey Juan, CC thought I was Republican. LMAO...WTF. CU N July.

My wife is recovering nicely.  It was allergies for sure. She has red welts all over her body and tomorrow she will be able to talk normally and see again. My wife also smashed my iphone with a sledge hammer.  She said it was an accident.  I am not too sure.  We didn't own a sledge hammer until this morning.

Thursday, December 22, 2011

Olditude (and how to deal with it)

I am sure you have heard of the movie where the young boy says, "I see dead people."
Not me!  I see old people.  They are everywhere.  You can't avoid them.

A lot of these people think they are dead people, or act like dead people, but they are somewhat alive.  I think the Republicans are trying to phase them out in the same manner as they are trying to eliminate the middle class.
I see dead people...or ice.

I get a little nervous about this because the Republicans in congress are talking about a "Swift proposal".  I didn't get alarmed until I realized that they had capitalized "Swift".
Huh, like the name Swift as opposed to doing something quickly.  This must be Congressman Al Swift from Washington state.  I called Al on the phone... no answer. Turns out he retired in 1995.  So I googled Swift proposal. What came up alarmed me.   It referred to Jonathan Swift's "A Modest Proposal."
This can't be good.
The word on the street is: Pfizer has come up with a tasty formula for Soylent Gray and your younger senators and congressmen are buying pfizer stock like it was going out of style.

Martha Stewart, you can't buy this stock.  This is inside information. Your rep in congress can buy this stock.  OK?....No?  Too bad for you! You don't want to go back to jail and make more burlap dresses, do you?

Moving on to other  new "old business".
Recently a fellow blogger was talking about an "old" friend's problems.  The moral of the story was; "Don't get old."  Actually I prefer "old" to the alternative of not getting old.
Yes, it is fraught with obstacles and hoops that you have to jump through when you are least able to deal with it.  Such things as health insurance, driving after dark, getting my senior citizen discount at KFC or Dunkin Donuts, keeping track of my medications, convincing people my mind is as sharp as it ever was, getting my senior citizen discount at KFC or Dunkin Donuts.....ummmm...getting my.... and other things.

New "New business": This comes under the heading of helpful hints for a happy senior citizen. (AKA: Old coot, curmudgeon, geezer, ye olde farte, walking fossil) and that is just the guys!!!
Here we go.
Hint: Never take a laxative and a sleeping pill the same night.
Be prepared for nasty comments from people you least expect it from.
example: My wife told me to iron the shirt that I was wearing.  It was too wrinkly.
The thing is; I was not wearing a shirt.

Open for debate: Wouldn't obituaries be a lot more interesting if it told you how the person died?
Guy stuff? shirts get dirty, underwear get dirty, socks get dirty.  Pants (trousers) never get dirty and you can wear them forever.
End the debate: Is the glass half full or half empty? George Carlin said the glass was too big, no more philosophical debates. subject closed.
Yeah, Really?....I am tired of watching the Miss Universe contest.   Every year Miss Earth wins, Alpha Centauri wasn't even mentioned, no Romulan women, no Vulcan women, Venus, the planet of Love....not mentioned.  I think the fix is in again this year.

Ahead of their time: Books that were not allowed in my school in 1960.

  • "The boy who died from eating all his vegetables"
  • "Dad's new wife, Robert."
  • "That's it, I'm putting you up for adoption."
  • "Strangers have the best candy."
  • "Lolita"
Yet another philosophical question: I just read about a funeral home that burned down.
Sadly, there was someone's dear one waiting to be cremated when it burned down and he was accidentally cremated.  My question is: How much should they charge the family of the deceased for their services?

Hysteria!!!  Did you cry when Kim Jung il died? I must say I did get caught up in the television coverage?  (OMG....WTF???...sniff..sniff..sob..sob!)
My wife and I wept  and wailed shamelessly.  Our neighbors came over to find out what was wrong.  They left in tears. We are not sure whether they were laughing or crying.

A review of Republican candidates:

Rick Perry: OMG!!!!...He makes George Dubbaya seem like a Rocket Surgeon. It must be the drinking water in Texas.
Mutt Romney? He lost me when he told a gay soldier that the writers of the constitution were against gay marriage.  Really?  I just perused the constitution.  I must be missing a page; it must have to be with the section that solves the slavery problem, and the women's rights problem.
Could someone mail me that page? I seem to have lost that one.
Herman Cain:  A black president? Never happened.  Where was he born?
Michelle Bachmann: She is much cuter than the other candidates. Other than that, a big "L",  as in Loser.
All others: Pathetic....

But seriously.....  There actually is A VERY GOOD BLOG FOR SENIORS.  It is "Suddenly Senior" by Frank Kaiser.  Even people who are not senior citizens should take a look.  Hopefully some day you will be a senior citizen.  This blog covers a lot of territory.  Some very serious topics, some not so serious.
Frank says he is old as dirt.  In fact, he knew dirt when it was still a rock.

OK...I feel better now.  I am so over Kim Jung il.  No more weeping shamelessly although I must admit I am a little misty eyed...but life goes on.