Wednesday, June 8, 2011

Stuart Woods to the rescue....not!!!!

Writer's block?

Prologue: Stuart Woods is a world famous writer of mystery novels.  He wrote the book "Chiefs" which was made into a television miniseries.  He has written over 40 books.
He is a nifty guy.
I am a blogger.  I had writers block, of a sort.  I figured Stuart could help me.  I emailed him.  My email is below.

Greetings Stuart,
Help me!
I am a blogger.  I have created a character named Colt Brandisher.  I have developed a life for him.  He has a car. (1957 Citroen)  a girl friend, (Candida Goldblatt), a job, (city defective....detective.) and friends.  I have blogged my writing process.
After much introspection and thoughtI have modeled Colt after your character, Stone Barrington.
I had considered John Sandford’s character Lucas Davenport, however Colt was not too keen on spending time in Minneapolis, eating at Subway, and reassembling frozen corpses that went through a stump shredder.  He did like the idea of the Porsche but I told him Stone had a Mercedes Benz.  I also mentioned that Lucas had serious mental problems.  He suffers from depression and is afraid of flying, whereas Stone Barrington doesn’t seem to have a care in the world and lives in nice places like New York, Washington, Connecticut and frequents Palm Beach and Key West.
I believe you have enough background information.  Here is my problem.
I started writing a story on one of my blogs. I seem to have painted myself into a proverbial corner.
It seems that Colt will die in the first paragraph.
“Colt heard the cacophonous sounds of tree frogs croaking their maudlin symphony as the leaden projectile zoomed towards his head. Ironic, he thought. he would be croaking very shortly also. The high functioning brain that currently had the appearance of freshly cooked cauliflower would soon resemble half cooked turnip, perhaps mash potatoes, but certainly not cauliflower.
Colt thought of frogs. He liked frog legs. He would not have a chance to eat them again.
In fact, they would probably be feasting on his legs very soon.
"What!!!!...why am I thinking about food? I am milliseconds from death."
They say your life passes in front of you when death is imminent. Colt's life did pass in front of him. It was a boring life. He had some time left so he started thinking about food.”

Stuart, Do you see my problem? Help me!!
Now I want to talk a bit about Stone Barrington.  
He seems to take way too many naps. perhaps he should consider sleeping at night, if you catch my drift.
It seems no woman can get close to him without dropping her knickers, which makes me wonder, “What kind of aftershave is this guy using?”
Stuart,......This guy is a slut.  
Does he use protection?  He already has one unplanned love child. It is miraculous this guy doesn’t have herpes.  Stone better step up.  Right now he is acting like a democrat politician.  The difference is: a democratic politician can’t keep their pants zipped up and the Republicans can’t keep their mouth zipped up.
Well, I hope you can help me save Colt.  He is such a nice guy.  I don’t want him cut down in his prime.  
If we can get this issue resolved we will meet in Delano, Georgia at your place.  We will invite Lucas Davenport.   we will have one of Stone’s female friend can cook us up some steaks, served with a bottle of 1945 Chateau Mouton-Rothschild Jeroboam. (Colt will bring it with him) and then we will repair to the study and drink brandy and smoke cigars. 
Colt will pass on the cigars. He doesn’t smoke. However if your cook will bake some cannibas brownies Colt would be glad to partake of the brownies.  He has glaucoma.
This would be considered medicine in many states.
Perhaps It would be wise to serve some peperoni with that.  A few hundred slices, a couple boxes of ritz crackers (fat free)  and a few pounds of Cabot cheese.  Maybe a few litres of Pepsi or Coke. 
We will celebrates Colts resurrection.
Thanks Stuart.
PS: I live in SC.  I was going to Georgia for a photo layout of “The Girls of Delano” for Playboy magazine.  I have read about their beauty in your books.  I couldn’t find the girls.  I couldn’t find Delano.
I think we should meet somewhere and discuss this.  How about Elaine’s? Late?

Epilogue: Stuart answered me within an hour on his iphone. His reply was, "You got yourself into this; get yourself out."

At first I was crushed that he didn't help me.  I thought about this for a few minutes and realized That was the answer.  He really did give me the answer.  I will get myself out of this. Thanks,Stuart!!!
Ironically, nobody will be going to Elaine's in New York City.  Elaine Kaufman died in December 2010 and it closed in late May 2011. One of Stuart Woods favorite spots. It is an end of an era.