Monday, September 27, 2010

"UPDATE" Opa, Ouzo, and Omicron

Greek geeks!

My wife and I went to the Greek Festival this weekend. She was so impressed that she is thinking of converting to Greek Orthodox. It is a lot like being a Catholic but you don't have to kneel.
She has started referring to Istanbul as Constantinople. She has asked me to change my name to Gianas Hemlockis. She is starting to write funny. I see triangles on paper, she says "that's "D" or delta." How the airlines got involved in religion I am not quite sure. I think I have lost her. She walks around shouting "opa, opa!!"

She is getting swept up in this whole Greek culture thing. She has ordered bouzouki Cd's of Panayotis Thomakis, "the Jimmie Hendrix of the bouzouki" as she now reverently refers to him. I actually thought he was more like the "Eric Clapton" of the bouzouki. He is very good.

She has discovered a fondness for Greek food. This morning she asked me to go buy a 55 gallon drum of Extra virgin olive oil for cooking. I told my sweetie that I have a bad shoulder and I would have trouble moving 500 pounds of olive oil.
I dodged the bullet on that one.

We will be having chicken Souvlaki for lunch, Gyros for supper. I read that the traditional Greek breakfast was coffee and a cigarette. I will check this out.
This is what "Nick" suggested. No cigarettes. Nick is very concerned about health. I am not sure I want to follow his diet. He is only 37 years old.

We toured the inside of the church. all the stuff written on the walls was in some kind of cryptic code. There was all kinds of murals on the walls and ceiling. very beautiful church. I got a little queasy inside the church. The church was St John the Baptist church. As you probably heard, He was beheaded. I have a lot of trouble with beheadings depicted on church walls. I had to leave. Don't go into any church named St. john to baptist if you get queasy about beheadings.

I thought my wife will outgrow the Greek thing. Perhaps not.
This morning she was checking real estate in Athens.
I said, "Athens, Georgia? Why should we move a few hundred miles down the road? We have the ocean here."
She said, " Athens, Greece. It is on the Mediterranean Sea."
This isn't over.

Thursday, September 16, 2010

Organized Religion...Really????

Finding Religion

My wife and I were raised Catholic. I was an altar boy. I had to give it all up. Bad knees.

My wife, on the other hand, gave it up for an entirely different reason. The Catholic Church switched from Latin to French (In Quebec). She finally realized what they were saying.

We still go to church. Weddings and funerals. But we try to avoid it whenever possible.
The Catholic church kept changing the rules. You can't eat meat today. Oh, never mind. Do I have to go to confession? Not really? Maybe...Possibly, could be?
The language used to be Latin. That was cool. We had our own obscure language. Just us few. Catholics, Lawyers, doctors and Mary O'Brien, our high school Latin teacher.

My wife and I decided we wanted an easier religion. Something not based on guilt or hate. Something where we don't have to wear funny hats on certain days. Something where we don't have to fast for 52 days or eat strange food, or refrain from eating strange food.
I am thinking about making a list of things I want out of my religion.
Since all religions believe in god, I can sort through the ones that appeal to me.

I have decided that religions that put too much emphasis on sex are not for me. I am too old and too married. Perhaps fifty years ago that would sound appealing. Now It sounds exhausting. I cannot imagine being a bigamist or going door to door in a black suit and white shirt with pamphlets. That pretty much eliminated the Mormons.

I thought about becoming Jewish but I don't like the beanies. I had to wear one during my freshman year of college. Not much fun. I would have to go through some kind of ceremony, I'm sure. I wonder if I would have to be circumcised again?
Not happening!!!!
Cross out Judaism.

Baptist have good music. They like to sing a lot. My problem there is the beer situation. I like to have beer and dance when I hear good music. They don't.
I find the alcohol thing a bit odd. I am sure Jesus took a nip of wine at the last supper.
Maybe it was Welch grape juice.

I have eliminated Christian Scientists. My best friend's father died of a very treatable condition. He was a Christian Scientist....and an Accountant. What if my appendix is about to burst? Do I go to a Christian Science reading room and hope for the best? Do they have a 911 number to call? I think not.
They are off my list.

Jehovah Witness...Hmmm! What if I fall down at the non Christmas party and I need blood? I am too old to say, " Thanks anyway doc, just let me lie here and bleed to death." Too many strange rules.

Muslim....My wife won't wear the I commanded her to do. She is an infidel.
I will have to pass on that religion.

Buddha....give me a call. You sound pretty relaxed as far as religion goes. However I will not set myself on fire to make a point.

I even tried to read the bible for guidance. This is something I have never done.
I had problems from the very beginning. Genesis!!
OK...God can do some wonderful things.
He made the earth in 6 days and then took a day of rest. Actually God could have done it with a snap of his finger. He is, after all......God. I guess he wanted to make a little project out of it. Then he took a rib from Adam to make Eve. Ok!! I like that part.
Now everything seems start unraveling and I am only two pages into the book.
A serpent talks the folks in Eden into take a bite of the forbidden fruit. I have problems with this part. A talking serpent? A gecko perhaps! The Forbidden Fruit? Acai, I suspect.

Well shortly after they ate the forbidden fruit, Adam realizes that Eve is as naked as a Tijuana Stripper....(or Jaybird?)........Eve grabs a leaf, Adam nod towards the tree house and ask, "Would you like to see my palm hammock?" and Eve says with a wink, " I'd love too." and she did.
Shortly thereafter they were expelled from Eden and I think they ended up in Perth Amboy, New Jersey. But I haven't got that far yet.

It is pretty complicated reading for me. Too many thees, thy, thou, to many words that end with eth. "Ye sayeth thee art badeth of all thine peopleth." Huh???!!!!

After that it gets confusing. I thought Goliath was about 24 feet tall. Even the bible is confused about this. At one point, it is said he was about six and a half feet tall, another biblical scholar said about nine feet tall. I suspect he was was the "Shaq" of his day. A big guy. Not twenty four feet tall, not nine feet tall, but I suspect he could dunk a basketball if he was in shape.
Apparently he wasn't in great shape. He had a head like an over ripe melon. David hit it with a rock and he keeled over dead. Shaq would have said, "What was that, a gnat?"
Then David beheaded Goliath. This is a good story to tell your children.

I am a little confused about the ten commandments. Isn't that a nice round figure. I suspect there was more commandments but Moses dropped a few stone tablets on the way down. After all, he was up there for forty days. He might have been a little cranky on the trip down. I am questioning Moses work ethic.
I can picture him negotiating with God.
God: "Did you bring a quill and some papyrus, Moses?"
Moses: "Nah! I have good memory."
God: "I have 16 commandments for you."
Moses: "16? Could we round that off to 15?"
God: "Ok, but I will have to throw in some and/or in the mix"
So God gives the commandments to Moses. God says "repeat them back!!!"
God says, "I knew it, I knew It. Here!!! I made these commandments in stone. Bring em down the hill. All fifteen. 3 tablets."
Moses:" That's not a hill, that's a mountain."
God: I know what it is, Einstein. I made it. Remember?"
Moses: "Einstein????"

Moses leaves the mountain. He gets to the bottom after twenty days and says, "Hey, ya'll gather round. I've been yonder. I gotcha ten commandments for ya'll ya'll." (he apparently spent some time in South Carolina)
This is what I think happen.

I read on a little further.
Wow!!! Did you know that Methuselah lived 969 years? Noah...950 years...Adam...930 years? What were these guys eating? No trans fats or high fructose corn syrup.
Did Noah once say, "Hey...I haven't had sex in 881 years. I am getting a little cranky."

I wonder.....these people lived a long time. I think there is a book of the bible missing or it is in Commandments 11 through 15.
It's called "Recipes and lifestyles".
It is somewhere between Genesis and Revelations...somewhere, possibly.
Some strange stuff going on in that bible.
I will keep looking. I will stick with Catholic...for now.

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Get a Life

Not necessarily my own!

Last evening I suggested to my wife that our neighbors were actually aliens. I am not talking about from Mexico or Haiti aliens. No! I am talking about Alpha Centauri, Rigel 7, or Saturn type aliens.
She is very aware of my logical thought process.
"OK, let's hear it."

I explained to her that when we moved recently,we moved into a "sleeper agent cell incubation pod area." They probably have some kind of capsule they eat or they consume "Earthlings". These people are not earthlings.

"Did you ever see them buy groceries? Did you ever see them eat?" The answer to that is "NO!!!" These people are clearly not from Earth.
She salvoed with, "I smelled barbecue steaks cooking next door." " Spray!" I answered.
"It makes them seem human."
"I rest my case".

My wife looked confused and befuddled. Then a sense of clarity and resolve came over her face.

WIFE:"Wait a minute, Clarence Darrow! Aren't you the same person who chased a car to North Carolina because you thought Jesus Christ was in the car and you wanted his autograph?
Aren't you the one who was attacked by seagulls on the beach because you had a watermelon on your head?
You thought you had a connection with Peter Noone of "Herman's Hermits" because his limo ran over your toes?
Aren't you the very same person who told our next door neighbor to "Get off my lawn" because you thought you would be like Clint Eastwood that day? Wasn't this you?"

ME:"Yeah.......What's your point?"
WIFE: 'The point is....GET A LIFE!!!!!

Hmmm!!! I thought I had one. I tried to model after someone I admired and respected, Clint Eastwood. I also have a striking resemblance to him. That doesn't hurt. I have to admit that I had to cut back on my Eastwoodness after the incident at Food Lion. The incident that nearly got me arrested.
The Incident: I got to the checkout line and the clerk asked me how many bananas I had purchased. Sadly I got caught up in the moment and said, " I know what your thinking, punk. Your thinking "Did he buy six bananas or only five?" " Now to tell you the truth I forgot myself in all the excitement. But being this is a Platinum Discover card, the most powerful credit card in the world and will blow your head clean off, You have to ask yourself a question: Do we take Discover? Well, do ya, punk?"
I am banned for life from Food Lion.

That did not "make my day".

I have tried being Clark Gable but that "Frankly, my Dear, I don't give a Damn." did not sit well with my wife since that would be my answer to any question. I gave that one up after a few hours. She still won't talk to me. Now I give a damn.
Cary Grant? "Judy..Judy...Judy"..Hmmm..I tried it and I sound like Goober Pyle.
I tried "Bogie" last week. I was saying stuff like: "We don't need no stinkin Food Lion, Here's looking at you, Kid." That kind of thing.
I even tried James Cagney. I was chasing squirrels Monday. I was hollering, "You dirty rodent!!!!"
I have though of seeing a Psychiatrist, but I started acting like McMurphy in "One flew over the cuckoos nest" and I was afraid of Nurse Ratched.
My wife just shakes her head and says, " You are not well."
I occasionally slip into lucidity.
Well, I guess that's life. But not mine.
The only time I feel like my genuine self is when I am somebody else.

Thursday, September 2, 2010

A Squirrel's Tale (tail?)

Oh nuts!!!!...and fruits!!!!

Leonard and Sheldon are two squirrels who visit my bird feeder on a daily basis. A daily basis? I should say on an hourly basis.
I am at wits end.
I know! I know! A short trip!!!
I have tried everything. They are winning!!!!
They get on my patio, hop up the 3 steps, stand in front of the sliding glass doors and taunt my cat, Wilson. Wilson is furious. He is a bird watcher. They chase the birds away.
They feed hourly at my squirrel proof bird feeder.
I open the sliding doors and they flee. I should say they fly. They are getting really good at this flying thing. I am afraid I am teaching them how to fly. They are flying a good 10-12 feet in the air and clinging to the tree. I am hoping they will make a mistake and not put their furry little heads down, hit their head on the tree and render themselves unconscious. I would put them in a cage and I would taunt them.
sadly, it never happens.
If I sit out on the patio they will sit in the tree and make awful sounds. I assume they are doing the squirrel equivalent to swearing.
I purchased something that has cayenne peppers in it. It is suppose to keep squirrels away from the feeder. Leonard and Sheldon love it but it almost blinded me.
When I was putting it in the "SQUIRREL PROOF BIRD FEEDER", the wind came up and blew it in my eyes, up my nose, in my mouth, all over. At that point I was begging for someone to "just kill me now.....please...please...please". No one did.

I have tinkered with idea of hooking up some electricity to the bird feeder and giving them a shock when they get on the feeder. Somehow I feel that I will be the one getting the shock or the next day they will show up with rubber gloves and wire cutters and destroy my work.
I am starting to feel like Wile E. Coyote.
My neighbor caught a couple of squirrels in humane traps. He took the time to drive them to North Carolina and release them. He should not have stopped for that cup of coffee.
The squirrels were back before he was.

Well at least he didn't end up like my other neighbor, Mary Margaret O'Callahan.
Mary Margaret has started calling herself, Thermodora the Warrior Princess and squirrel slayer.
She wears a thong and a bra, a plastic tiara and a BB gun now.
She shot a squirrel with the BB gun. It didn't do much damage to the squirrel but now she is on a mission. She mumbles, giggles and twitches quite a bit. She walks around the neighborhood in her outfit saying, " Hey squirrel, I got something for ya."
Nobody will report her. The women are afraid of her because she is armed and the men think she is "kinda good lookin".
I can see the road I may be going if I do not revise my thinking.

I have finally decided to make peace with Leonard and Sheldon.
Yes, this will give me peace of mind. I will do this. After all, they are only doing what they were put on this earth to do. I don't want to end up like my neighbors. It is the natural order of life. I should embrace this concept. I should embrace Leonard and Sheldon. Yes, embrace.....(twitch)...them. Embrace them VERY HARD.
Squeeze the life out of them. (twitch)
I must deny these rodentia of MY air, MY space!!!!(hee!hee!)