Monday, April 16, 2012

Yo...Dude! (reviewing Hemlock blog)

In recent weeks I noticed that the number of hits on my blog has been diminishing on google analyticals. My three regular readers are starting to waver.

I asked a few of my “friends” to review my blog and give an honest assessment of my writings.

Let’s begin:
Randy Jackson of American idol:  Dude

“Dude….Yo…Dude…Yo…..ridiculously good…yo,Dude,  I think you’re in it to win it. Yo, Dude.”

Jennifer Lopez
"I was moved to tears by your last blog. You have the talent but you must bring it to the next level. You can’t keep playing it safe.”

Steven Tyler
"Your range of talent is wider than Randy Jackson’s ass, funnier than my wardrobe and has more eye catching range than Jennifer Lopez’s butt."

Randy Jackson: “Yo….dude..yo…yo…..yoyo…Yo…dude!”

Howie Mandell of America’s Got Talent:
“I was touched by your blogs.  Here’s the thing.  DON’T TOUCH ME. I don’t like being touched.”

Sharon Osborne
“I didn’t understand the humour, but Ozzie explained it to me. Now I understand.”

Piers Morgan
“Drivel, absolute and pure drivel. Change your shoes, changes your socks, change your underwear, change your blog and you could capture the American public. They will love it.”

Donald Trump: 
“You are wonderfully talented .. but ..You're fired.  Piers, you're fired too.  Randy…fired! Hemlock? who?”

Stuart Woods:
“Yo…dude…yo…Stone Barrington loves  it. His hero is Colt Brandisher.”

Huh? That didn’t sound much like Stuart Woods.

Clark Kent of the Daily Planet says:
“A super blog. Almost more powerful than a locomotive.”

Bruce Wayne of Gotham City says:
"Don’t bother me right now, Hemlock!  I have my own problems.   I have to go to court today.  
Let me give you a bit of advice, my friend.  Don’t take a 15 year old boy into your house, put him in tights and a cape, name him Robin. I dress myself up in tights, cape and a mask, keep the kid in a basement cave for 40 years and expect gratitude.  He is suing me for every penny I am worth.  He says I molested him.  I know it looks bad.  I wrestled and boxed with him but that was training.  
My manservant, Alfred, has turned against me.  Alfred said he heard a lot of “bam, boom, pow” coming from the basement. It was training, nothing inappropriate.  well, I may have touched Robin’s cute little butt occasionally. Nothing sexual, Really. 
Well, I did peck him on the cheek once or twice.  No tongue involved….except that day I was very lonesome.  The kid was a hottie…I gotta go. Great blog."

Hemlock:  “Thanks Bruce for the glowing review. Hmmmm! TMI!”

Randy Jackson:
“Yo…Bruce….Dude…Yo.  Be in it to win it. Yo.”

Ozzie Osborne:”Wha….who win? Where my frog? umm.da dooba.. Damn you, frog. wha..yo..wha..yoyo…doodoo? good,…good?”

David Hasselhoff:  “Hemlock, a beer and your blog is all I need to find happiness. You could throw up throw in a hamburger and I am a happy boy.”

Clarence Thomas, Supreme court judge:
“Dude…dude…Randy has a big butt.  This is my judgement.  Jennifer Lopez?…her ass is three happy meals from catching up with Randy’s butt.  Steven Tyler…How would you like to meet that dude in a dark alley at 2 am?  Fun….not!!!!  Hemlock your blog was judged. It was 5 to 4. Happy now? Yo…dude.”

Rush Limbaugh (American know-it-all)
“Hemlock, You are a left wing, nut job slut. Your blog will be the downfall of all good american values such as owning an Uzi, texting while driving, the right to bash gay people and other fun stuff. Don’t try to confuse me with common sense.  I don’t care that you have been a registered republican since 1963,  I don’t like your communistic anti-god, gay loving blog, you writing whore!!!!"

Randy Jackson:  
“Yo…..Limbaugh Dude..Yo….Your ass is fatter than mine.  Your fat ass goes all the way to the top of your Charlie Brown head. Yo…Dude.”

Andy Rooney:
“Don’t you just hate it when you die suddenly?  It ruined my vacation plans.  I was going to catch up on Hemlock’s blog.  He is one of my favorites."  

"Don’t you just hate it when you get to the pearly gates and there is a waiting line?  Why do they call it the pearly gates? I saw no pearls or no one named pearl.  Hey, There’s Mike Wallace and Ed Bradley.  They are arguing over who is going to interview God.  Don’t you hate it when you get to heaven and people are arguing about who is going to interview God?”

George Bush former President and comedian.
"After reading Henrock's blogs I had an ephifory.  I realized I should be saying epiphany.  I must now change my life strawtiggery."

Randy Jackson
“Yo… Hemlock dude…..Does this culotte make my ass look big?  It isn’t a culotte, dude? It’s my boxer shorts. Yo…dude.”

Lady Gaga: "Hemlock’s blogs are pretentious and contrived.  I ought to know."

Steven Hawking: physicist and  actor on “Big Bang Theory”
“I don’t talk much, but if I could I would say that Hemlock’s blog is pure genius and if Shakespeare was alive today he would say. 'Wow. I’m old and Hemlock is great.'”

Helen Keller Junior:
"A winner at the braille blog of the month club."

Kanye West: singer and world foremost authority on the Arts
"Hemlock, not bad, but Beyonce's blog is really much better. Aorry, not really."

Internet reviews: (the vote is in)
LOL count 172
LMAO count 269
WTF?  count 13,482
WYSIWYG  count 128
2G2B4G      count 3
Stop! AAAAA (American Association Against Acronym Abuse) count 3477
Meh count 211
TBD count 687
other count 8

Yo.....OK! The vote is in.  It has been decided.  Randy Jackson needs a dictionary to enhance his limited vocabulary.......Dude!  

As Judge Judy would say...RIDICULOUS!!!!!

The blog. It will survive.

Monday, April 2, 2012

CASE STUDY: The current job market is hell in Vegas.

Transcript of interview of an unskilled/semiskilled laborer

Resume Review: Jesus is a single 33 year home schooled individual.  He was born in the little town of Bethlehem, Pennsylvania and grew up in nearby Nazareth PA. He has a spotty work history. He has worked with his father as a carpenter's assistant. He was given a battery of aptitude and psychological test.  He tested high for carpentry ability but it is noted that he has an strong aversion for hammers and nail, especially spikes.  He tested highly in the food preparation field.  When tested with a box of Pillsbury biscuit mix and a dozen eggs, he made enough biscuits to serve one hundred and thirty four people.
He has high leadership and verbal skills.  He has eleven friends...oops, make that twelve...waiting for him in the lobby.  They seem to follow him around and take note of everything he says.
Eleven of them have MacBooks and one has a Dell laptop.  The Dell guy seems to be mumbling a lot.

The Interview: Human Resource Representative (HR) , Seamus Sen Gupta

HR: "Please be seated, Jesus" (pronounced hay-soos)
Jesus: "That would be Jesus, Jee-sus, Sir."
HR: "I see.  I noticed on your application you did not put down a middle name or initial."
Jesus: "My middle name is Aich, which means savior in Aramaic, but people think I am saying H, so I left it blank."
HR: " I noticed some rather large gaps in your work history.  What have you been doing since your eighteenth birthday?  I see nothing for the last fourteen years.
Jesus: "Missionary work."
HR: "Are you one of those Mormons, or a Jehovah Witness? Which one?"
Jesus: "Neither, I am a Jewish Christian."
HR: "As Doctor Phil would say, How's that working for you?"
Jesus: " Well, not so bad. When I moved to Vegas things improved quickly.  I found a very nice homeless shelter. I then sent my friends, Peter and Paul to the Flamingo Hotel roulette table and told them to bet on red 7.Ummm...We are now set for the next year.
I am not in a homeless shelter any more."
HR: "I see here that you now own a car but you do not own a driver's license or insurance. What's up with that?"
Jesus: "I have faith in my driving skills.  No accidents since the time I let Judah drive my car.  He got a DWI and a summons for resisting."  
HR: "It's kind of dangerous behavior, Jesus(hay soos)"....thought bubble (who does this guy think he is? Steve Job?)
Jesus: "That's Jee-sus, not hay..soos."
HR: "I see that your IQ scores are off the charts,  your psychological profile indicates that you have a messiah complex or a Steve job complex.  You are prone to defying authority figures and you tend to be preachy and self righteous  Have you ever thought of getting into politics?"
Jesus: "I didn't think that politics and religion mixed until this year.  I been listening to Rick Santorum, Mitt Romney, Newt Gingrich, Rich Perry and the Pope and I stand corrected.  I may try politics later, but I don't think my dad wants me to get involved."
HR: "Your dad? He is very important in your life,eh? His name is Joseph?"
Jesus: "He's my adopted dad.  My real dad is in heaven. Umm, my mother is a virgin."(oops...maybe I should not have mentioned that.)
HR: "Say What?"
Jesus: "Nothing."
HR: "Well, hay-soos, I have an entry level job as a clerk/cook at a bakery. Would you like to give it a try. It is the Mt. Sinai Bakery and coffee shop. It is a neat little hippie place that has great pastry and a wonderful mocha cappuccino."
Jesus: sure, it sounds wonderful.  I will give it a try. The name is Jee-sus, sir."
HR: "Here is the address and referral for the job, and don't wear those sandals to the job interview."
Jesus: "Gracias, amigo and Adios."
HR: "No problem, Jesus..huh?.....what?....I knew it, I knew it. Hay-soos."