Monday, November 30, 2009

The Codger's guide to dressing with dignity.


I was reading today that Cher is 62 years old and still wears see through clothing. I went to a celebrity website and sure enough she was wearing something transparent. she still looked pretty good.
This got me thinking. Am I too old to start a fashion trend? I think not. I believe it would be a great idea. It is a win/win situation for me.

I have looked at Vogue Magazine while I was at the hairdressing school getting my $3 haircut. These people in vogue look freaky.
Then I go to the mall and see people with purple and green hair with piercing in places that must really hurt. I met a Goth lady a couple of months ago who had a large golden colored safety pin through her upper and lower lip. I read in the paper this morning that she starved to death. Fashion will kill you.

I was talking to one of the clerks at one of the stores. She was trying to talk to me. She had so much hardware in her mouth I could not understand what she was saying. I ask the other clerk what she said. "She said to stop staring at my nipple rings." ...."Oh!...Sorry. I was just enjoying your fashion statement."

The guys dress weird also. It is almost like Stevie Wonder pick out their wardrobe at Goodwill Industries. I hate to say it but the guys look like they were at a School for the developmentally disabled and were on recess. Hats to large, hats on sideways, a dumb looking haircut, sneakers with no laces. you get the picture.
They exude such confidence. The "Don't I look cool" mode.
Yes, You have convinced me. It's workin for ya! Your projecting "moron, right?". You are so there.

In view of this, I have come up with a few ideas I am running up the flagpole. I have contacted Gentleman's Quarterly to get some feedback.
My first idea and perhaps my best is called "Going Rogue". It's a name that just popped into my head. I don't know where it came from but I like it.

The idea here is really revolutionary.
It is "overunderwear". The concept is totally mine. It is underwear that can also be worn on the outside. In other words you can wear it for eight straight days. The breakdown goes like this. regular front, regular back, inside out front, inside out back.
now you do the same sequence on the outside.

Now I know what you might be thinking. What about the embarrassing telltale skid marks? No problem. I have factored that in after an embarrassing incident at Walmart. I have striped overunderwear in your favorite pastel shades of, hmmm, the required colors. I obviously have already market tested these. I have my business plan in place.

I have numerous other marketable ideas in development right now. But I think this will get the ball rolling. In fact, an incident that occurred last week at Walmart virtually assures my success.
A teenage boy wearing really low slung pants with his underwear showing very noticeably and he had an over sized baseball hat walked up to me while I was wearing "Going Rogue". He started laughing to the point of rolling on the floor. He had tears in his eyes from laughter.
I asked him two things: how much he paid for what he was wearing and to go look in the mirror.

He is now my lead salesman for the area. He also wants to invest in my next line of clothing. It's called, "Going Commando".

Saturday, November 28, 2009

Random thoughts on aging

I am truly confused about myself. I discovered yesterday that I am only interested in being a senior citizen when it is convenient for me. I can go from giddy when I get my senior citizen discount to deeply annoyed when the waitstaff doesn't even ask me if I am a senior citizen. They just look at me and give it to me.
My wife and I went out for Thanksgiving dinner. We had a great server/waitress. She was almost perfect. We received our food and drink very quickly. She was very discreet. she was not the type of waitress that will stop at your table 37 times and ask, "How is everything?" and we answer her while my food is flying into my wife's face.
"Leave us alone! we are trying to eat."

Our waitress discreetly gave us our check and said, "Your senior citizen discount has been calculated into your bill."
My wife turned to me and said, "What a great waitress. Give her a good tip."
I glared at my wife. "What?" she queried.
Me:"She just insulted you, that nasty hashhauling soup slinger."
Wife:"Huh??" Me: "She just called you old and you are a few years younger than I am and I am not old. I am sure my she is not aware that I have to get up five times a night to go to the bathroom. I am sure she doesn't know that I have to remember where I put my glasses and teeth . I do not look old."(Deep breath here) "sure I have a few dings. I have a few gray hairs but I don't do what old people do, but must be falling apart.... and I am so close I haven't noticed. Kinda like you can't see the forest through the trees. I must take a step back."
Wife: "You have finally demented coot".
After more delightful banter, I left the.....waitress a 20+% tip.

This is the way it has been going.
On my birthday, my wife and I went out to eat. There were three ladies have a great time nearby. It was mentioned that it was my birthday. They ask me how old I was. I told them and they said, "Happy Birthday." .....That's it!!!
They did not say: "Oh, don't lie to us. You are much younger." No!!!! Just..."Happy Birthday."

Six months earlier I got "carded" at a Dunkin Donut's to prove I was a senior citizen. Really!!! I haven't been back there.
Perhaps I should not make a big deal about the senior citizen tipping, but I think it is too late. I think it is beginning to affect my wife.
The last couple of days my wife has been acting like an old person.
She is chewing on something...but she actually has nothing in her mouth.
She goes to the pharmacy and looks for purple hair tints. she walks to shoe stores and buys slippers. I think I am losing her. She has aged overnight. I will know I have lost her if she starts talking and thinking about "poop". The is the ultimate telltale sign.

Incidentally, I have a good "poop" website if anybody is interested. It will tell you everything you want to know. Really.

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

I learned everything I know about the law from my Television.

Litigation can be fun.

My wife and I like to watch the People's Court and Judge Judy. These two judges are very different but both are very effective.
A little background on the judges:
Judge Judy's forte is not pleasantness. The moment her show comes on the air you will notice that this probably will not be a pleasant experience for either the Plaintiff or the defendant. In fact, during the pre-show introduction phase, she stands before the camera with arms crossed with a smile that looks painful.
After the litigants are introduced she will start cross examining them. If it she had her way the litigants would stand at attention and look her in the eye, not move, not blink, and answer the question that was asked. But sometimes the litigant want to filter what the judge will here. It will sound something like this:
Litigant: "I would like to give you a little background information before I answer that question, your Honor." (smile)
Judge Judy:(YELLING) "Answer the question I asked, You idiot."
Litigant: But...!(smile gone)
Judge Judy:(YELLING) " Is that your witness? (woman dressed like a hooker)Don't you know how to dress for court? This is not some street corner. cover yourself up.....idiots!"
Witness: but....!
Judge Judy: (POUNDING GAVEL FURIOUSLY) Shut up! get her out of here.

The thing about Judge Judy is that she is a very savvy and clever judge. She can get people to say things they wish they had not said. She doesn't give them time to invent an answer. she brow beats them to answer immediately. They get caught in their own web of lies.
She is rough. I don't think she spends a lot of time explaining the law, but if you watch her program you can learn a lot about the law. She just doesn't explain it to you in black and white all the time. You have to listen. It's crude but very effective. She clearly believes that the justice system would work better if she could shock your private parts with a thousand volts rather than use the gavel. I think she might be a republican.

Judge Marilyn Milian: (The hottest judge on Television)...must be menopause.
Judge Milian is much more tolerant of litigants on "The People's Court". She is better at explaining some of the nuances of the law than Judy. She never calls anybody names like "idiot , stupid, or other demeaning names. Judy treats everybody like trailer trash. Judge Milian treats everybody with dignity even when she can't stand the people. She gets angry occasionally and hollers at the litigants. She is also very effective. She may be a Democrat.

Defense #1: My favorite: It was a gift. or, as I like to call it: The Beautiful Whore defense if you are a girl, The handsome Gigolo defense if you are a guy.
How it works: litigant: "I am so gorgeous and desired that he wooed me with $5,000 so I could get my breast implants when I asked him for the money. A week later I told him I didn't want to see him any more but we are only friends anyway, your honor." GUYS:for fixing up the pimpmobile, or the gold neck chains. a week later break up with the girl.

Defense #2: The dog ate my proof or I didn't know I would need it so I didn't bring it.
In this defense one or both of the litigants don't have a shred of proof of anything.
Litigant: I left my proof home. I didn't get it from the bank on time.
Judge Milian: "Didn't you know you were going to be here today? What were you saving all those receipts for? Duh!!!! ....You have the burden of proof and you didn't bring your proof which you claim to have. Stick a fork in me, I'm SO done. Your case is dismissed."
These are a couple of my favorites. It happens over and over again. Then they will be interviewed outside the courtroom.

Interview:"I didn't get a chance to give all my evidence. She did not let me explain why I ran over that woman pedestrian three times while I was drunk. She made an obscene gesture to me when she walked in front of my car. I have witnesses. This is not fair!!!!!"

Harvey Levin's tip of the day: GET IT IN WRITING!!!!!!

Friday, November 13, 2009

He makes me smile every day.

Be good to your cat and he will be good to you.
He wakes me every morning. He will do this in a variety of ways. This morning he threw up on me.
This was different. He usually doesn't put bodily fluids on me. An occasional rancid fart that would peel wallpaper and kill any vermin in the immediate area is not uncommon, but bodily fluid, that was very creative. The pre-hurl hacking would have been sufficient.
"Hawook!....Hawook!" He back up as he hacks.
You can learn from cats, backing up does really work. You do feel better when you do back up while catapulting your macaroons. The problem with this strategy is you miss the bowl and your macaroons are not in their proper place. I am the designated macaroon cleaner upper at our house.

Our boy likes to wake us up in different ways. He is very creative. Have you ever felt a cold nose on your eyelid? Have you ever had a cat lying across your forehead? Have you ever had a cat stare at you from six inches away from your nose? You try to sneak a peak to see where he is. Surprise!!! 6 inches away!!!!

Our boy has many other tricks: The tail around the neck is effective, especially when he keeps wagging it. He uses his head to pick up my arm and drops it. He will nip fingers. He will walk on my chest and belly. He has nipped the hair on my head. He has stuck his cold wet nose in my ear while purring very loudly. When he gets bored with all this, he will start throwing our books onto the floor from the night stand. They make noise. Then it will be anything else left on the night stand. Money, pens. This usually gets our attention. We have an alarm clock from Brookstone. If you push on the top of the clock a woman's voice will come on and give you the time and temperature. . Our boy has pushed on it a couple of times. If he was really clever he would do this all the time. In fact, the little french lady and myself are usually smiling. He makes us smile.

When we get down stairs, He goes into his feeding shtick. He has a ceramic dish on a vinyl mat which is on ceramic floor. He pushes the ceramic dish across the ceramic floor. "BBRRRIIINNNGGGGGG!!!......BBBRRRIIINNNNNGGGG!!!!!"
The thing about our boy is: He does not meow! He is physically capable of meowing but he doesn't. His moves his lips and "smacks". He is a big believer in non-verbal communication. The "Feed me, Feed me" stare as he stands by his ceramic dish. He will haunt you nonverbally until he is fed. I now can eat my breakfast. There is a soft tap on my leg. "Make room on your lap. one cat coming for lap time." He will get up on my lap, take a peak at the table contents and then settle down for laptime.

Our boy is a pushy little guy. If I am sitting on the couch with my laptop and he wants more laptime he will put his nose under the laptop and lift. Hint:" I want that spot." When he wants to be groomed, he will walk half way onto my wife's lap. He will get into his grooming pose or posture. His rear left leg will be further back than his rear right leg and he will stare at you. (glare might be a better word). after you have done one side he will turn and face the opposite direction. Then he will lift his chin and he is ready for underneath his chin to be brushed. Then you will have to hold the brush with the numerous prongs facing him. You do not move. He will rub his face on the prongs and then he walks away. grooming is done!!!

People occasionally talk how difficult it is to train their cats. Cats sometime talk about how easy it is to train a human. (If they could talk)
Truthfully I don't think a cat has to talk. Our boy certainly has the art of human communication down to a science. Yup, He made an Art a science.
Someday I totally expect Wilson (our boy) to actually say something in human English. Actually talk!!! I will be shocked , of course! After 13 years of silence, not even a meow.
"Why didn't you talk before, Wilson?"
"Well, Everything was going pretty well until today."