Tuesday, December 25, 2012

To Be...or not to be...me.

My Yearly Identity Crisis
I would like this to be my new Facebook picture.

2012 was a quiet year at the Hemlock Residence. The reason for this is my name is not really Hemlock.  Jonathan Hemlock is the name of a character in a Trevanian novel, “the Eiger Sanction.”  
Pretty cool guy.   He is very much like me.   

He is a connoisseur of Art.  He owns a few post impressionist Gauguins and Cezannes paintings.  I have a poster of “Le chat noir”.   I consider that art.

He listens to classical music.   
I listen to Mozart for the “Mozart effect”.   If you listen to Mozart every day it will raise your IQ by 10 points.  That means about  twenty five percent for me.  It is also supposed to lower my blood pressure.
I actually prefer DooWop music.

That’s about it for similarities. Oh….Did I mention my striking resemblance to Clint Eastwood?

This whole Hemlock charade is starting to get old and boring.  I need to make my life more exciting.
The solution came to me the other night while I was watching MTV, hoping to hear some DooWop.
The Little French Lady found a program called “Catfish” and we started watching it religiously.

The Urban Dictionary defines Catfish as someone who pretends to be someone they’re not, using Facebook or other social media to create  false identity,  particularly to pursue deceptive online romances.

I thought this would be an absolutely wonderful idea.  My wife would prefer that I be an online troll. I wonder why …. 

You would be cranky too if your testicles were gone.
The Urban Dictionary defines a troll as one who posts a deliberately provocative message to a newsgroup or message board with the intention of causing the maximum disruption and argument.

I am leaning towards Catfish,  My wife is still leaning heavily towards the mythical troll.  Trolls are ugly and slow witted.  She thinks it would be a better fit for my personality.  She is also frowning on me having an online romance.

I have been trying to explain to the little French Lady that I will not be having an online romance, the other person will.   I will just be the fuel that keeps stoking the fake romance.  

I haven’t decided what gender I will be.  If I am a guy I will be leaning towards Will Dicker for the obvious ambiguity of the name.  If I am going to be female I am leaning towards Nia Eve Silurefaux (Naive Catfish fake).  That’s a sexy french name.

I am personally partial to being a girl.  I have never been one.  It  would be different.  My wife could be a consultant on this project.  She knows a lot about being a woman. She’s been one for quite a while.
I have mixed feelings about being a girl.  Guys will be trying to get into my pants.  This stuff I know about. I used to be a guy once.

On the other hand, I could pretend to be a guy.   I do have some experience at this.  In my younger days many woman told me I was not good at it but I have improved with age.  I could revisit the experience and act like a real man this time. 
Definitely something to think about.

I suppose the democratic thing to do is to take a vote or at the very lease take some suggestions.
My brother. a polluted gene pool.
  1. Should I be a “troll or Catfish?”
  2. Should I be a guy or a girl?
  3. What should my persona be? Should I be a professional Harp player?
  4. What is my personal description? How tall, eye color, etc,
Picture profile for Facebook: Help me decide.

Please help me decide.  All suggestions will be considered.

Saturday, December 22, 2012

The day of the Great Redemption!


The world came to an end yesterday so I'm not doing much.  I am just standing in line waiting like everyone else.  

Oh...wait a minute.  I thought I was in line for the "Great Redemption" but it is the Walmart customer service line.  This is what Dante referred to as " The first circle  of hell" , I'm guessing.

I am destined to carry around these empty bottles and cans for eternity.   The line seems pretty long and the clerk used to work for the DMV.
 I thought the end of the world would be a more metaphysical and religious experience.  It seems to be more commercial than I had expected.  
I will grab my bible, drop it face down on the pavement and see what page it lands on.


Leviticus 25:25
"If your brother becomes poor and sells part of his property, then his nearest redeemer shall come and redeem what his brother has sold."

Leviticus and my brother teaming up again, lusting after my cans!
How did they get involved in this transaction? 
Could this be the the second circle of Hell?
I know my brother has a lot of diet Pepsi cans he wants to redeem.

Hmmm! Recycling is Hell. (Perhaps the third circle of Hell).

What if Dante had it basically right?  
Every time I go to Walmart I feel like I am in Limbo.

Perhaps I am overthinking this.

Friday, December 21, 2012


Today is the last day.  12/21/12

It looks very much like yesterday.  Hmmm....perhaps I should not have given away all of our money and furniture. 

The little French lady is sitting on the couch.  She has packed her laptop, favorite pillow and a picture of Wilson.  I am not sure where she is going.  She is dressed casually but eclectically.  I am wearing a hoodie and sneakers.   She told me to get some pants on.  This whole thing seems like a lot of work.

Just end already!!!!  


False alarm.  The snowplow just put down its blade.  It made big noise.


Oh....It was the guy upstairs dragging a chair across the floor.  I am a little jumpy right now.


Hmmm....It was just a city bus going by the building.  

I should try to relax. Every time I hear a noise, I think that the world..............