Thursday, March 19, 2015

Adventures in problem solving

Hemlock answers your questions

Jonathan Hemlock was born in a house he helped his father build.  This is a lie.  A midwife delivered him.  He came into the world quietly.  He was immediately held upside down and slapped.  It stung.  He cried.  This seemed to make everybody happy, so he continued doing it for the next two years. But that's another story.

Jonathan started school when he was five.  The first day, he cried, kicked and screamed.  The next day things were much better.  He only cried.  The third day a fellow student requested that he not cry any more or she would beat the crap out of him. He was immediately smittened by the girl named Terry.   She became his protector.  He wanted to marry Terry when he got old enough.  Terry just laughed and said, "not gonna happen."  Terry's companion, Pat, agreed.  But that's another story.

Jonathan graduated from high school to the amazement of almost everyone. (when he got 74 on his IQ test he thought he did really well, thinking that a passing grade was 65.)

He went to college where he was required to hand in papers, do things with books, look through microscopes, stand up and make speeches.  Jonathan deferred from doing these tasks.  He decided to memorize the student directory which was a much more profitable venture.  
Jonathan didn't actually memorize everyone,  just the important people.  The important people who frequented the Central Valley Tavern, The local college watering hole.  People would be shocked that Hemlock knew who they were, where they lived, what classes they were taking.  They would buy him a beer or two.  It was great.   But that's another story.
His social life was wonderful and strangely he passed all his courses except for his nemesis, math.
College life was not for Hemlock.  He wanted to go to the College of Life.  What a mistake.
Who knew the College of Life would have such courses as toilet bowl cleaning,  ditch digging, garbage pick ups, talking to all sorts of miserable human beings.
Jonathan did learn Computer Accounting, Bookkeeping, Psychology, Sociology, Word Processing, Excel,  Access, Photoshop and Janitorial Technologies. But that's another story.

He has become a mystery writer, still unpublished.  His main character's name is Colt Brandisher; in the current story, Colt is about to be killed in the first paragraph and Jonathan hasn't figured a way out of it.

So far, Jonathan has been a criminal profiler, a mosaic artist, a hoarder of used toilet paper, advice columnist, editorial writer, philosopher, and solver of dilemmas.  But that's another story, especially the part about hoarding used toilet paper.

First question: 
From Mr. B.O. in D.C.:
Why is my hair turning gray while the rest of me is staying the same?
*To answer your second question first, you are the president of the United States and second your hair is not gray. It is black and white, like you.  There are no gray hairs in your head, only white and black.

From Dr. Ben Carson:
Did I make a boo-boo when I talked about the gay/prison thing?
*Gosh Ben, I believe you did.  Didn't you learn anything from Scott Walker.  He has no opinion on anything.  It is better to keep quiet and let people think you're a fool than to speak up and erase all doubt.

From the Republican Party:
Why do people laugh when I talk?
*Because you say stupid stuff. (see above)

From the Democratic Party:
Why do people laugh when I talk?
*See above

From Sven from Sweden:
My wife is American.  She keeps referring to the roof of her mouth.  Does she mean the ceiling of her mouth?  I looked in her mouth while she was sleeping.  She has a ceiling not a roof.  The roof would be on top of her head.  Am I right?
*Wrong Sven, but what can you expect from people who rejected the metric system and elected George Dubbaya twice and elected  Jimmy the peanut farmer.

Biff from Beverly Hills wants to know:
Are there any white girls named Laqueisha?

Queen Elizabeth of England queried:
A priest, an alcoholic, an Irishman, and a pedophile go into a bar.  What does the bartender say?
*"What will you be drinking tonight, Monsignor?"

William Cosby, formerly of  Philadelphia enquires:
Would any of you ladies reporters like some liquid refreshment in my bedroom?  Yikes!!!!
*"You didn't know Barbra Walters was there, did you, William?"

 Biff from Beverly Hills wants to know:
Are there any Afro-American couples with the name Biff and/or Buffy?

Mike L. from upstate NY wants to know:
What do you think of the idea of changing a team's name like the Washington Redskins to something  less offensive?
*Good question, Mike!!!  I think you have to be very careful if you change the name.  My high school team changed their name from the Cheever Red Chiefs to the Cheever Chickadees.  That happened 8 years ago.  They didn't win again until this year.  They beat the Taylorville Titmouses in football, but were stomped by the Hammond Pond Hummingbirds the very next week.  Apparently chickadees do not inspire great sports teams.

As for the Washington Redskins why change it.  Let's stick with the current theme in Washington where everything is offensive.  

Mother Goose queried:
Hey….I never said Humpty Dumpty was an egg.  Where does it say that?
*Ummm!……by God, the old hag is right.

Adam and Eve interject:
"While we are on the subject, no apple! no snake! Who's spreading this propaganda?"
*Ah! again…I have no idea where this stuff is coming from,  ask Moses how many chickadees he has on the ark.

Dave D. of Vermont wants to know:
"Jonathan, do you play any sports?"
*"Yes, I play goal for the Manchester Untied Dyslexic Football Meat."

Biff from  Beverly Hills  wants to know:
Are there…
*We're done, Biff!…We're so done.

Any future inquiries should be sent to wikipedia, google or Kanye West. (They know everything)

Friday, March 6, 2015

The Hemlock agency (Profiler extraordinaire)

J. Hemlock
Street address
City, State, Zip

Hemlock muttering:
"Hmmm! let's see how this looks.  I certainly don't want bad fonts.
This looks okay.  I will finish it and send it to the printer."

Little French Lady interjects: (looking over Hemlock's shoulder.)
"What now, Sherlock?"

JH; "Profiling.  I am starting a new career.  I can do this.  I have read two books by John Douglas, the famous FBI profiler and one by Pat Brown.  Douglas profiled the Green River killer and the killer was caught."
LFL: "Yeah, they caught him, I'll give you that.  It took over 30 years and he slaughtered half the state of Washington."
JH:"What about Pat Brown, the female profiler?"
LFL:"I read her book, The Profiler.  Everyone she profiled is still walking the street."
JH: "The wheels of justice turn slowly."
LFL: "So who killed JFK?"
JH: "Hitler! Shave that mustache, who do you have? Lee Harvey Oswald, that's who!"
LFL:"Who killed Oswald, Sherlock?"
JH:" Elementary, Watson…umm, it was Jegdar Hover. Clearly the body shape of this so called Jack Ruby is identical to Jegdar Hover.
LFL: (rolling eyes) "Jegdar Hover?  Who's that?"
JH: "He is the crossdressing butterball who was director of the FBI."
LFL: "Oh…You mean J. Edgar Hoover."
JH: "What…ever!  Hey, did you know that the FBI has almost as many fingerprints as KKA?"
LFL: "KKA?"  JH: "Kim Kardashian's ass!"
LFL: "Are you working on any new cases, Inspector Clouseau?"
JH: "I am.  I am sending some information to the FBI about the Finkleburg suicide."
LFL: "Suicide?  I thought this guy was beheaded and both his hands and feet were cut off.  How can that be a suicide? IT WAS MURDER!!!"
JH:"I haven't worked out all the details yet, but it was suicide. I know people"
LFL:"You are so obtuse and clueless. Remember the incident at the beach gazebo Monday. You soiled yourself when the big black guy dressed in black sneezed.  You ran up the beach hollering "Serial Killer,  serial Killer." You almost created an incident.  A profiler indeed."
JH:  "How did I know he was a black Catholic priest.  That does not exclude him from being a serial killer or a pedo guy."
LFL:"OMG!!!!!…give it up!"
JH: "Hell, no!  I am good at this profiling thing.  See that guy walking down the street.  I will profile him.  He is a fisherman who is gay.  He has an artificial limb and he talks with a lisp.  He drives a 1965 Kharman Ghia and his hobby is killing squirrels. He is going to the beach to get rid of the body he has in that white bag he is dragging behind him."
LFL: "Oh, that wasn't too bad.  Yes,  He is a fisherman.  That is our neighbor Kevin going fishing.  I think the fishing pole was a clue there.  Everything else…wrong! The white bag with the body is actually his dog, Meg.  He is taking Meg fishing.  His wife, Wendy will be surprised to find out that he is gay and has an artificial limb."
JH: "Profiling is not an exact science.  You don't hit the bullseye every time. I think I am due for another eye exam."
LFL: "Well, Charlie Chan.  You had better find another career.  Perhaps you can become an internet troll. You know nothing about profiling.  You can't even define profiling."
JH:"Sure I can.  When you see an Irish guy….think of a drunk.  A Jewish guy….cheap.  A Chinese guy…smart.  An Arab guy….terrorist.  Do you want me to go on?"
LFL:"No, no!! You're…..unbelieveable!!!!…You should consider psychotherapy."
JH: "Can you take classes for that?  I may be too old to start.  Maybe next semester."