Monday, May 23, 2011

SCAMPI:The review: Not a four star restaurant.


 I am committed to good food.

My wife (the little French Lady) and myself have become addicted to Geocaching.  We have been doing our little adventure of finding Tupperware in the woods using million dollar satellites for about 6 months.   We are getting further from home, looking for caches.

Last weekend we were about 30 miles from home.  The day was winding down and we were getting hungry. Enough geocaching for one day.  We should get something to eat. We were famished.  We weren't too familiar with the area so we just drove around looking for a place to eat.  We were not interested in Burger King or Kentucky Fried Chicken.

We finally saw a place that sounded pretty interesting.  It was called SCAMPI.   I like Italian food, and so does my wife.  We pulled into the parking lot; it was a huge parking lot. Good sign.  I must say the building was quite impressive also.

As we walked through the parking lot we noticed a security guard walking about. Another good sign.

We were met at the door by a very distinguished gentleman.  He was obviously the maitre'd of SCAMPI. We were greeted.
"Good evening, My name is Sigmund and you are....?"
"Jonathan Hemlock."
"... and she is?" "Ms Hemlock."

Sigmund walked over to his computer and I saw him type my name into google. His eyebrows raised and mumbled something like, "I thought he would be taller."
I took this to be a good sign.
"Ah, Mr. Hemlock! Welcome."
"We would like to be seated near a window . Preferably in a booth"
"I'm sorry we do not have any windows or booths, Mr. Hemlock."
"Whatever.  We will have the special."
"Fine. Mr. Capote will bring it to you."

This guy had a real large attitude problem.  He wanted to be called Truman. He thinks he is a president or something.  He acted very gay.  A gay president. What next?

As we waited for our food a couple of gentlemen joined us at our table.  They were introduced as Mr. Harry Callahan and Mr. Walter Kowalski.  These guys also had a surly attitude, yet I felt strangely comfortable with them.  We introduced ourselves.  Their attitude brightened when I told them my name.

"Hemlock?...huh, I've heard of you." Callahan queried.  "What are you doing here?" "Geocaching." I answered.
Callahan and Kowalski just looked at each other and shrugged.
Our food finally showed up.  It wasn't scampi.  It was Shepard's Pie.
"Truman, you gave us the wrong meal."
Truman's attitude became condescending and huffy.

Harry stood up. "I've had trouble with this guy, too. I think he stole my bread stick."
He grabbed Truman by the lapels and said, "I know what you're thinking, punk! Did he have five breadsticks or six? Well, in all this excitement I kind of lost track myself. But being these are Olive Garden Bread Sticks, the most tasty breadsticks in the world, and would clearly satisfy anybody's appetite, you have to ask yourself one question. Do you feel hungry, punk?...Well, do ya?....?"
"Do you have anything to add to that, Kowalski?"
"Ummm...No...just stay off my lawn."
"Check please!!!"  Harry and Walt were getting a little cranky.

We told Sigmund that we received the wrong food.  He told us to sign the release and there would be no charge.  We signed.

"Bernard will show you to your room."  Bernard was a wiry little guy.
"You can call me Barney. Everyone does. Hey, would you like to hear me recite the Preamble to the constitution?....We.... We?"
"Nip it, Barney. We are not staying here tonight."
Sure you are.  You just signed yourself into SCAMPI."
"We just came here for the food. We didn't even get our scampi."
"Well, there's your problem right there. Sigmund we have a problem."
Sigmund reappeared.  Bernard explained. Whispering and nodding. "Aha!!!"
The situation was explained to us.

RECAP: All the things we thought were a good sign, were bad signs.  We were just told that we have signed ourselves into SCAMPI: the South Carolina Asylum for the Media Programming Indoctrinated.  We thought we were in an Italian Bistro, but it was really a mental asylum for people who have watched too many movies, too much television, read too many books and lost their identity.   
We probably would not have gotten into SCAMPI if I had used my real name.  I used my blogging name and Geocaching name.  This usually is not a problem.  However when Sigmund (Freud) googled me, my name came up as a fictional character... Jonathan Hemlock, a character in the movie Eiger Sanction, played by Clint Eastwood.

When we sat at our table we were seated with Mr. Callahan (Dirty Harry!!) and Mr. Walter Kowalski (Grand Torino). Both were characters in Clint Eastwood movies.  This is why I felt comfortable with these guys. What could be more natural?

So there was a little misunderstanding.  Our friends are horrified with what has happened to us.  We will be here for at least the next 45 days.
I will bring some ice cold
Silver Bullet beer, guys.
If I get drunk enough I
will give you a peek under my
They are trying to get us released. I told them to mind their own business. 
"Your deal, Hemlock!"
I am enjoying playing pinochle with Johnny Carson, Adolph Hitler and the Lone Ranger tonight.
I hope I don't get Hitler as a partner again.
My wife is having a nice French meal with Charles De Gaulle and Napoleon. Ahhh... Home cooking.  
Bring me back some cretons.  The guys will love it.

Wednesday, May 4, 2011

I'm a Deather. I have found my calling.

Navy Seals(camoed) Great job, guys!!!!

I am feeling abject and despicable shame.  The local delegate from the Republican party has just left our house. He gave me the Republican IQ test.

I am considered an imbecile due to my chosen political affiliation. This is humiliating. I did not get one answer correct.  I even signed my named incorrectly on my test paper.  I signed it on the left side.  I should have signed it on the right, which indicated that I have leftist tendencies.

The local delegate harangued and browbeated me for about an hour. Before he left he gave me a copy of his book which he called "My Struggle".

So, I am studying "My Struggle" and taking copious notes.
My wife hollers, "Hey, They just killed Osama Bin Laden."
"Who killed him?"  I queried, "A bunch of Seals" the answer.
"Wow, did the seals slap him to death with their little flippers?  I would have thought he would be inland instead of on the ocean. I didn't know there was much coast line in  Afghanistan."
"It was Navy Seals and it was in Pakistan."
"Oh good! chock one up for our side. Where's the body? When are they going to show it? Are you going to the funeral or wake?"
"No funeral, no wake, no body." was the little French ladie's reply.
"WHAT?".....Here we go again. They buried him at sea.......Right!!!!
Not happening. I have to see a death certificate, a mangled corpse, a crying widow or widows in his case, DNA.
Rush Limbaugh will want to know.

Has the American public been punk'd by the government again???

Here's a few examples:

  • (The Moonwalk tapes) This is the original Apollo 11 hoax. The Moonwalk tapes were actually done at Universal studios' back lot.  In moonwalk, take 3, You can hear Neal Armstrong say, "That's one small step for man, one giant leap for me. oops....I just stepped in dog poop. I told them not to use the Lassie sound stage." ....... "CUT!...CUT!!..Wrong again, Neal. It is for mankind, not you.  Are we going to have to call Tom Hanks for this scene...Take 4."
  • (The Agnew proposal)  The original Apollo 11 hoax worked so well that Vice President Spiro Agnew proposed at a cabinet meeting that the next astronauts land on the sun.  He was guffawed out of the meeting.  He was told that the astronauts would burn to a crisp on the sun.  It is too hot.  A couple minutes later he stuck his head back into the meeting and said, "We could do it at night." Nixon took this under consideration and appointed a task force to investigate this possibility.  Nixon resigned before it could happen. 
  • (FDR, the marathoner) You never saw FDR walking, and there was a good reason for this.  He couldn't walk.  The government did a wonderful job covering up this fact.  I did not realize that FDR could not walk until I was a teenager. Today they would photoshop him, they would have him running the Boston Marathon, playing tennis, playing touch football, and playing 18 holes of golf. You would never see him in a wheel chair.  This would be bad PR.  The president of the US in a wheelchair? This would be deemed as weakness.  So the American public was punk'd back in the 30's and 40's.

No more punking. I want to see Osama's death certificate and Obama's birth certificate.
Which one has the hair on his face?  I am confused.  Well...anyway...ummm, this helped me find my calling.  I am a deather.
A deather is the opposite of a birther.  Prove to me you are dead, show me your death certificate, DNA samples, your corpse,  in person, if possible.
This probably won't be enough but it's a start.
I mean, look how elaborate a scheme Obama had for the presidency.  
Somebody early on in his life said, "Hey, this kid could end up being president of the United States.  Yikes ... let's make him a citizen of some place in the US.  Maybe Hawaii. 
We will have to sneak him out of Kenya."
This was a well thought out plan.  He is actually a Kenyan Muslim who became president because of good, well thought out planning.

Do you think I am buying the "Osama is dead" story? H....E..L...L..O.....!!!!!
Walking on the moon, walking on the sun, FDR running a marathon, Osama dead, Obama an American Citizen, Paris Hilton a Virgin.  How much are we supposed to believe?
I believe what the Republican party tells me to believe. That's what.
Do I look like I just fell off the turnip truck?.... I do?...Oh...well....