Thursday, December 10, 2009

The Limbaugh/Beck Citizenship Test.

"See you in Charleston, Barack!"

My Sweetie, who is a Canadian Citizen, has decided to become a US citizen. She is looking forward to singing, "I'm proud to be an American" on the way home from the test. I am very happy for her. Now she can become part of the greatest healthcare system in the world as stated by many Republicans in congress.

Perhaps our President can travel down to Charleston, SC and be sworn in as a citizen the same day my wife since Rush Limbaugh and Glenn Beck claim he is not a citizen.
Incidentally, Do we have any proof that John McCain is a US citizen? He was born in Panama. The last time I heard that was not in the US.

Well, anyway....I suspect that Limbaugh and Beck are about to update the citizenship test for when Obama head for Charleston to take the test. I have had the good fortune to be privy to a bunch of their questions.

  1. Name the Lt. Governor of Vermont.
  2. How many Samoans live in Phoenix, Arizona?
  3. If a plane crashes on the California, Montana border, Where do they bury the survivors?
  4. Rush has 10 marbles. If he loses 2 each day, how long before he loses all his marbles? (trick question! He has already lost his marbles.)
  5. Sarah Palin, Rush Limbaugh, Glenn Beck, Joe Stalin, Adoph Hitler....which one does not belong in this group? (another trick matter what answer you give it is wrong....only one female, only one left winger.....hah!!!)
  6. How many letters in the Hawaiian alphabet? (This one is for you, Barack!)
  7. How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?
  8. Name 20 people buried in the Arlington National Cemetery.
  9. Who's picture is on a $1000 bill?
  10. Explain Thermodynamic in 30 words or less
  11. madam, civic, eye, level. in one word, what are these? (must spell correctly)
  12. What can be heard and caught but not seen?
  13. What is the correct answer to this question?
  14. What's wrong with you? (This questions is for Mormons and Catholics.)
  15. Name the hill that "The Battle of Bunker Hill" was fought. (Trick question! It was actually fought on and around Breed's Hill.)
  16. How long did the "Hundred Years War" last?(Trick Question...113 years)
  17. Pi?....
  18. What's that on your head? (This question is for Muslims, Jews, and Cowboys)
  19. Who came in second on Season 2 of American Idol?
  20. What disease did cured ham actually have?
  21. why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?
  22. How important does a person have to be before they consider him/her assassinated, not murdered?
  23. Can a hearse with a corpse drive in the carpool lane?
  24. Should illiterates be allowed to buy alphabet soup?
  25. Why is abbreviation such a big word?
  26. What was Abraham Lincoln's hat size?
  27. Who closes the door when the bus driver gets off?
  28. What's the name of Rocky the flying squirrel's companion?
  29. What do the Chinese people call their good plates?
  30. E=MC2... explain.
  31. Explain George W, Bush's Ephiforatic strawtiggery doctrine.
  32. Pocahantas and Sacajawea? explain.
  33. Which programming language is a Macbook Snow Leopard operating system written in?

OK! This is a few sample questions for Barack.....and my wife when we get to the Federal office.
There are a few questions my wife hasn't figured out yet so I am kinda happy that there are different questions.
No, Sweetie...The Great Depression was not when everbody was sad!
No, Roosevelt was not a cross dresser, it was Hoover, but not Herbert Hoover. It was his brother Jegdar. The FBI guy.
No, Teddy Roosevelt did not manufacture condoms. He was the leader of the "Rough Riders. He didn't make them.
Another thing: The answer to the question, "who will take over for the President if he can not serve?", is not OMG!!!!!
To go even a little further: If neither the Prez or VP cannot serve, the answer is not "Holy Crap".

Also, Diana Ross is not Chief of the Supreme Court.
George Washington is known for more than wooden teeth and standing up in the boat going across the Delaware River so he wouldn't have to row and get his hands cold.
I might add that answering the question, "name a war that the US fought in during the twentieth century?" cannot answer with the question, "Wouldn't it be easier to answer: What year didn't the US fight in a war?
I believe the answer to that was 1947.
Also, the "Cold War" is not when you pounded on the radiator's so the landlord would turn up the heat.

Other than those items, I believe you have a complete grasp of the citizenship test.
I will go get that Lee Greenwood CD now.

Monday, November 30, 2009

The Codger's guide to dressing with dignity.


I was reading today that Cher is 62 years old and still wears see through clothing. I went to a celebrity website and sure enough she was wearing something transparent. she still looked pretty good.
This got me thinking. Am I too old to start a fashion trend? I think not. I believe it would be a great idea. It is a win/win situation for me.

I have looked at Vogue Magazine while I was at the hairdressing school getting my $3 haircut. These people in vogue look freaky.
Then I go to the mall and see people with purple and green hair with piercing in places that must really hurt. I met a Goth lady a couple of months ago who had a large golden colored safety pin through her upper and lower lip. I read in the paper this morning that she starved to death. Fashion will kill you.

I was talking to one of the clerks at one of the stores. She was trying to talk to me. She had so much hardware in her mouth I could not understand what she was saying. I ask the other clerk what she said. "She said to stop staring at my nipple rings." ...."Oh!...Sorry. I was just enjoying your fashion statement."

The guys dress weird also. It is almost like Stevie Wonder pick out their wardrobe at Goodwill Industries. I hate to say it but the guys look like they were at a School for the developmentally disabled and were on recess. Hats to large, hats on sideways, a dumb looking haircut, sneakers with no laces. you get the picture.
They exude such confidence. The "Don't I look cool" mode.
Yes, You have convinced me. It's workin for ya! Your projecting "moron, right?". You are so there.

In view of this, I have come up with a few ideas I am running up the flagpole. I have contacted Gentleman's Quarterly to get some feedback.
My first idea and perhaps my best is called "Going Rogue". It's a name that just popped into my head. I don't know where it came from but I like it.

The idea here is really revolutionary.
It is "overunderwear". The concept is totally mine. It is underwear that can also be worn on the outside. In other words you can wear it for eight straight days. The breakdown goes like this. regular front, regular back, inside out front, inside out back.
now you do the same sequence on the outside.

Now I know what you might be thinking. What about the embarrassing telltale skid marks? No problem. I have factored that in after an embarrassing incident at Walmart. I have striped overunderwear in your favorite pastel shades of, hmmm, the required colors. I obviously have already market tested these. I have my business plan in place.

I have numerous other marketable ideas in development right now. But I think this will get the ball rolling. In fact, an incident that occurred last week at Walmart virtually assures my success.
A teenage boy wearing really low slung pants with his underwear showing very noticeably and he had an over sized baseball hat walked up to me while I was wearing "Going Rogue". He started laughing to the point of rolling on the floor. He had tears in his eyes from laughter.
I asked him two things: how much he paid for what he was wearing and to go look in the mirror.

He is now my lead salesman for the area. He also wants to invest in my next line of clothing. It's called, "Going Commando".

Saturday, November 28, 2009

Random thoughts on aging

I am truly confused about myself. I discovered yesterday that I am only interested in being a senior citizen when it is convenient for me. I can go from giddy when I get my senior citizen discount to deeply annoyed when the waitstaff doesn't even ask me if I am a senior citizen. They just look at me and give it to me.
My wife and I went out for Thanksgiving dinner. We had a great server/waitress. She was almost perfect. We received our food and drink very quickly. She was very discreet. she was not the type of waitress that will stop at your table 37 times and ask, "How is everything?" and we answer her while my food is flying into my wife's face.
"Leave us alone! we are trying to eat."

Our waitress discreetly gave us our check and said, "Your senior citizen discount has been calculated into your bill."
My wife turned to me and said, "What a great waitress. Give her a good tip."
I glared at my wife. "What?" she queried.
Me:"She just insulted you, that nasty hashhauling soup slinger."
Wife:"Huh??" Me: "She just called you old and you are a few years younger than I am and I am not old. I am sure my she is not aware that I have to get up five times a night to go to the bathroom. I am sure she doesn't know that I have to remember where I put my glasses and teeth . I do not look old."(Deep breath here) "sure I have a few dings. I have a few gray hairs but I don't do what old people do, but must be falling apart.... and I am so close I haven't noticed. Kinda like you can't see the forest through the trees. I must take a step back."
Wife: "You have finally demented coot".
After more delightful banter, I left the.....waitress a 20+% tip.

This is the way it has been going.
On my birthday, my wife and I went out to eat. There were three ladies have a great time nearby. It was mentioned that it was my birthday. They ask me how old I was. I told them and they said, "Happy Birthday." .....That's it!!!
They did not say: "Oh, don't lie to us. You are much younger." No!!!! Just..."Happy Birthday."

Six months earlier I got "carded" at a Dunkin Donut's to prove I was a senior citizen. Really!!! I haven't been back there.
Perhaps I should not make a big deal about the senior citizen tipping, but I think it is too late. I think it is beginning to affect my wife.
The last couple of days my wife has been acting like an old person.
She is chewing on something...but she actually has nothing in her mouth.
She goes to the pharmacy and looks for purple hair tints. she walks to shoe stores and buys slippers. I think I am losing her. She has aged overnight. I will know I have lost her if she starts talking and thinking about "poop". The is the ultimate telltale sign.

Incidentally, I have a good "poop" website if anybody is interested. It will tell you everything you want to know. Really.

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

I learned everything I know about the law from my Television.

Litigation can be fun.

My wife and I like to watch the People's Court and Judge Judy. These two judges are very different but both are very effective.
A little background on the judges:
Judge Judy's forte is not pleasantness. The moment her show comes on the air you will notice that this probably will not be a pleasant experience for either the Plaintiff or the defendant. In fact, during the pre-show introduction phase, she stands before the camera with arms crossed with a smile that looks painful.
After the litigants are introduced she will start cross examining them. If it she had her way the litigants would stand at attention and look her in the eye, not move, not blink, and answer the question that was asked. But sometimes the litigant want to filter what the judge will here. It will sound something like this:
Litigant: "I would like to give you a little background information before I answer that question, your Honor." (smile)
Judge Judy:(YELLING) "Answer the question I asked, You idiot."
Litigant: But...!(smile gone)
Judge Judy:(YELLING) " Is that your witness? (woman dressed like a hooker)Don't you know how to dress for court? This is not some street corner. cover yourself up.....idiots!"
Witness: but....!
Judge Judy: (POUNDING GAVEL FURIOUSLY) Shut up! get her out of here.

The thing about Judge Judy is that she is a very savvy and clever judge. She can get people to say things they wish they had not said. She doesn't give them time to invent an answer. she brow beats them to answer immediately. They get caught in their own web of lies.
She is rough. I don't think she spends a lot of time explaining the law, but if you watch her program you can learn a lot about the law. She just doesn't explain it to you in black and white all the time. You have to listen. It's crude but very effective. She clearly believes that the justice system would work better if she could shock your private parts with a thousand volts rather than use the gavel. I think she might be a republican.

Judge Marilyn Milian: (The hottest judge on Television)...must be menopause.
Judge Milian is much more tolerant of litigants on "The People's Court". She is better at explaining some of the nuances of the law than Judy. She never calls anybody names like "idiot , stupid, or other demeaning names. Judy treats everybody like trailer trash. Judge Milian treats everybody with dignity even when she can't stand the people. She gets angry occasionally and hollers at the litigants. She is also very effective. She may be a Democrat.

Defense #1: My favorite: It was a gift. or, as I like to call it: The Beautiful Whore defense if you are a girl, The handsome Gigolo defense if you are a guy.
How it works: litigant: "I am so gorgeous and desired that he wooed me with $5,000 so I could get my breast implants when I asked him for the money. A week later I told him I didn't want to see him any more but we are only friends anyway, your honor." GUYS:for fixing up the pimpmobile, or the gold neck chains. a week later break up with the girl.

Defense #2: The dog ate my proof or I didn't know I would need it so I didn't bring it.
In this defense one or both of the litigants don't have a shred of proof of anything.
Litigant: I left my proof home. I didn't get it from the bank on time.
Judge Milian: "Didn't you know you were going to be here today? What were you saving all those receipts for? Duh!!!! ....You have the burden of proof and you didn't bring your proof which you claim to have. Stick a fork in me, I'm SO done. Your case is dismissed."
These are a couple of my favorites. It happens over and over again. Then they will be interviewed outside the courtroom.

Interview:"I didn't get a chance to give all my evidence. She did not let me explain why I ran over that woman pedestrian three times while I was drunk. She made an obscene gesture to me when she walked in front of my car. I have witnesses. This is not fair!!!!!"

Harvey Levin's tip of the day: GET IT IN WRITING!!!!!!

Friday, November 13, 2009

He makes me smile every day.

Be good to your cat and he will be good to you.
He wakes me every morning. He will do this in a variety of ways. This morning he threw up on me.
This was different. He usually doesn't put bodily fluids on me. An occasional rancid fart that would peel wallpaper and kill any vermin in the immediate area is not uncommon, but bodily fluid, that was very creative. The pre-hurl hacking would have been sufficient.
"Hawook!....Hawook!" He back up as he hacks.
You can learn from cats, backing up does really work. You do feel better when you do back up while catapulting your macaroons. The problem with this strategy is you miss the bowl and your macaroons are not in their proper place. I am the designated macaroon cleaner upper at our house.

Our boy likes to wake us up in different ways. He is very creative. Have you ever felt a cold nose on your eyelid? Have you ever had a cat lying across your forehead? Have you ever had a cat stare at you from six inches away from your nose? You try to sneak a peak to see where he is. Surprise!!! 6 inches away!!!!

Our boy has many other tricks: The tail around the neck is effective, especially when he keeps wagging it. He uses his head to pick up my arm and drops it. He will nip fingers. He will walk on my chest and belly. He has nipped the hair on my head. He has stuck his cold wet nose in my ear while purring very loudly. When he gets bored with all this, he will start throwing our books onto the floor from the night stand. They make noise. Then it will be anything else left on the night stand. Money, pens. This usually gets our attention. We have an alarm clock from Brookstone. If you push on the top of the clock a woman's voice will come on and give you the time and temperature. . Our boy has pushed on it a couple of times. If he was really clever he would do this all the time. In fact, the little french lady and myself are usually smiling. He makes us smile.

When we get down stairs, He goes into his feeding shtick. He has a ceramic dish on a vinyl mat which is on ceramic floor. He pushes the ceramic dish across the ceramic floor. "BBRRRIIINNNGGGGGG!!!......BBBRRRIIINNNNNGGGG!!!!!"
The thing about our boy is: He does not meow! He is physically capable of meowing but he doesn't. His moves his lips and "smacks". He is a big believer in non-verbal communication. The "Feed me, Feed me" stare as he stands by his ceramic dish. He will haunt you nonverbally until he is fed. I now can eat my breakfast. There is a soft tap on my leg. "Make room on your lap. one cat coming for lap time." He will get up on my lap, take a peak at the table contents and then settle down for laptime.

Our boy is a pushy little guy. If I am sitting on the couch with my laptop and he wants more laptime he will put his nose under the laptop and lift. Hint:" I want that spot." When he wants to be groomed, he will walk half way onto my wife's lap. He will get into his grooming pose or posture. His rear left leg will be further back than his rear right leg and he will stare at you. (glare might be a better word). after you have done one side he will turn and face the opposite direction. Then he will lift his chin and he is ready for underneath his chin to be brushed. Then you will have to hold the brush with the numerous prongs facing him. You do not move. He will rub his face on the prongs and then he walks away. grooming is done!!!

People occasionally talk how difficult it is to train their cats. Cats sometime talk about how easy it is to train a human. (If they could talk)
Truthfully I don't think a cat has to talk. Our boy certainly has the art of human communication down to a science. Yup, He made an Art a science.
Someday I totally expect Wilson (our boy) to actually say something in human English. Actually talk!!! I will be shocked , of course! After 13 years of silence, not even a meow.
"Why didn't you talk before, Wilson?"
"Well, Everything was going pretty well until today."

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Jeopardy Meme

Since I am a fan of both Jeopardy and memes I have decided to incorporate both in one blog. Let's begin.

  • Winken, Blinken and Nod. What describes my sex life after 8PM?
  • Bears, Giants, Eagles, Redskins. Name 3 football teams and a politically incorrect racial slur.
  • Apples and lemons. Name the two main types of computers.
  • The missionary position. What is the last job I applied for at the church?
  • Mercury Cougars. What do they call older women on Mercury that like younger guys?
  • Their both dogs!!Why does Goofy speaks, wears shoes, hat, and walks erect, Pluto walks on all fours, barks and wears a collar?
  • Why around his waist? When Donald Duck comes out of shower what does he do with the towel and then goes out on the street bare-assed?
  • Acme won't give him any more credit to buy stuff. Why did the Wily coyote end up killing himself ? He couldn't catch the roadrunner.
  • Porky Pig, Sylvester, Elmer Fudd, and Donald Duck. Name four characters that need a speech therapist.
  • Donald Duck and Yosemite Sam. Name two characters who need anger management intervention.
  • Brittany Spears ass. What has more fingerprints than the FBI?
  • Jury duty. What is the best paying job in this economy?
  • Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 congressmen. Who really got hurt in this economy?
  • You call them and ask if its you or them. If the bank returns your check marked "insufficient funds"?
  • Huey, Dewey, and Louie. Name a helicopter, a cat, and a saint
  • Gone with the Wind. What happen to my 401k?
  • I am not afraid of flying. I'm really afraid of crashing.
  • Wow, I didn't see that coming. The Vatican defends the Pope condom stand.(headline)
  • The Milky Way. What is the best way to make a smoothie?
  • The Dog Whisperer, The Horse Whisperer, The Ghost Whisperer. Name 3 people who are talking about me behind my back.
  • "Don't cry for me, Argentina." What is the state song of South Carolina?
  • Appalachian Trail. What Trail goes from Pennsylvania to Argentina?
  • You are the biggest loser... already. "What did NBC say when Rush Limbaugh wanted to get on that program and lose some weight?
  • The best three years of my life. What was 5th grade?(I was 16 by then.)
  • Canada? "Why would I leave America to visit America Jr.?" quoted by Homer Simpson.
  • Saturn, Uranus, Jupiter. Name a car, a body part, and a town in Florida.
  • 27.4%. Of all statistics are made up on the spot.
  • Eileen. What do you call a woman that has one leg shorter than the other?
I need a final Jeopardy question. This is a visual final Jeopardy.

The final answer is: Rickey

Question is in the picture.

Friday, October 23, 2009

My Nobel prize is in the mail.

The Coltmobile

My world has been turned upside down. Things are getting a little weird in the world.
The Nobel peace prize for Barack Obama? Hmmmm.

Did I miss something in the news about Iraq and Afghanistan? Must be.

This means I will be hearing from the Nobel committee in the Literature category. It could happen. I haven't had anything published but Barack has not made any peace so I guess my chances of hearing from the Nobel committee are quite good.
I suspect the Nobel committee will refer to my unpublished "Colt Brandisher" series.
Actually my unwritten and unpublished series. Untitled, I might add.
Perhaps I can tie up some loose ends today.
Did I mention anything about Candida Goldblatt? Well....She's good lookin!!!

The Title Thingee
Perhaps I could do something like the author Sue Grafton. A is for....whatever. B is forsomething. No? X is for what, Sue?
How about something like Lillian Jackson Braun series, The Cat who .....whatever! buried his feces, meowed all night, Farted...take your pick. No? (My cat does all these things.)
How about a series along the lines of John Sandford. His prey series. How aboutChurch Prey or Bird of Prey. No?
Wow, This is difficult. Martha Truman wrote about Murder at series...Murder at the White House. Murder at the FBI. I could go with Murder at the Outhouse, etc..No?
What if I used every state in the union. I would like to get sex in the title. How aboutPray for Sex in Alabama. I think I am getting close but the title sounds too "Baptist".
I think I am getting close.

Character description

Sometimes you can tell more about a character by the car he/she drives or some other gimmick. Do you remember Columbo? He had a nifty vehicle and a raincoat. A characters personal quirks. What do they drive? what do they drink? Eat? Those personal little touches that make him unique.
Perhaps I could have Colt drive a 1957 Citroen that is pulling a pop-up trailer. His Ex-wife got everything. Too quirky? perhaps I could have him dress strange. Maybe wear his boxer shorts on the outside. Nah! Why would he do that? Remember, If that trend starts, you heard it here first.

No, He is going to look like me/Clint Eastwood. That will make him quirky enough.
He will drive a 1957 Citroen. That is good. Perhaps I can give him a strange hobby for a guy. Maybe he could be a knitter. You know.....knit one, pearl two...whatever...No? How about Pinochle master? ...No, better yet. a scrabble master. He will go around muttering, " 192 points on the word antiqued, can you believe it?" over and over. This is from my own personal experience. 192 pts. on that word and I did mutter that for six months. It is mentioned reverent and hushed terms in our house. I'm the reverent one. My wife tells me she doesn't want to hear any more about it. That is where the hushed part comes into play. I probably should not have taken a picture of it and framed it.

Colt is a fussy eater. No pepsi and milk like Laverne and Shirley. He wants his Beer shaken not stirred. He doesn't like the taste of Martinis. He will not eat olives. His pancakes have to be square. They must be trimmed while cooking.
Quirky? Yeeaaahh!
I think this is going well. I should have enough for the Nobel committee. I believe I have positioned myself to be a top candidate now. I think I have positioned myself better than Barack did for the Nobel peace prize. I could be wrong......Nah!!!

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

writing the great american mystery novel (part deux)

The Return of Colt Brandisher.

I have decided to write my first mystery. I have found through research that the key to capturing the reader is usually in the first paragraph and I surely did not want to start with; "It was a dark and stormy night." So let the writing commence. I will walk "my public" through the writing process. 100 years from now they will not have to ask; "how did he write this classic?"

Hmm! OK!...Here goes...!!!! RED: (The process) white: (The Novel)

Brutus, the feisty wolf pup, frolicked in the zoo enclosure on Christmas morning, his mother keeping a watchful eye as she munched on what looked like a pile of beefsteak tomatoes rimmed with cottage cheese. packages and toys were scattered about. Sadly it was not tomatoes. it was not cottage cheese.
It was Santa Claus.
It's my job to figure out what happen. I'm a cop." (so good.)

I got my idea for my great American novel from reading two books at the same time.
I was reading "Dewey, the Library Cat" and "Santa Fe Rules" by Stuart Woods.
My wife asked me what I was reading and I was a little confused and I told her that Dewey was a cat that murdered someone in the Santa Fe Library. I had the two stories mixed together. back to my story.

Hmmm! I am going to google "The detective name generator".
Wow! There is a detective name generator.
It is a toss up between Hollis Truslow and Delmar Spurger. perhaps I could use the original name I thought of in Part I. Colt Brandisher. I like it. I must have a female love interest for Colt. I am leaning towards the names: Candida Goldblatt, Lotus Blossom Finkelstein or Lucretia Shellhammer. I think I will go with Lotus Blossom Finklestein. She will be of mixed ethnicity. Japanese mom, Jewish dad, but was raised a Zen Baptist.

"The names Brandisher, Colt Brandisher, Inspector Colt Brandisher, Police Inspector Colt Brandisher, City Police".
He flashes his badge for a millisecond. He didn't want anyone to know that he had lost his original badge and purchased a "Frontier Town Amusement Park" badge on the internet.
"Everyone step back. Let me through. Has this guy been ID'ed yet?" Female detective Candida Goldblatt, the hottest detective on the force, perhaps in the city, stepped forward.
"Still having those hot flashes, Candida?" " Ya...I think I am going through my changes....Damn, I am only 27 years old."
This may explain why she was wearing a tube top and short shorts. or perhaps she was on a vice stake out when the call came in.

"The guys name is Claus. I checked his ID. He has a rap sheet a mile long. mostly breaking and entering. I think he is a sex offender also. He tries to get children to sit on his lap and ask them to "Go for a sleigh ride". He has got stuck in numerous chimneys, has been accuses of animal abuse. He once pinched a reindeer so hard on the nose that it got all red. He tells the reindeer that they can fly and he makes them jump off the roof. He has delivered weapons to children. This guy is a real sicko."

"Yup, were lucky to have this guy off the streets." They just arrested his wife for aiding and abetting. They also booked her on Elf abuse and possession of stolen property. she had these little guys working for her in the basement. no breaks, worked 7 days a week. They never went anywhere. The DA thinks they are from Bosnia or Cambodia.
Illegals for sure."
"What about the mayor? What's he think?" Brandisher queried.
"Oh, He got a $400 haircut and a Spanish translation book and went for a walk on the Appalachian Trail. You could ask his wife what she thinks. She's home."
"Well, let's wrap up the crime scene and go for Christmas dinner."

I am a little stuck on moving forward. If anyone has ANY suggestions to break this plot blockage please let me know. I would like this novel on the street by Christmas...I think.
help me!!!
Things I will need help with:
  • plot
  • Character description of " Colt" , Candida(She's good lookin!!!)
  • middle
  • End

Monday, October 5, 2009

A secret dirty little trick from a misguided youth

Children of the corn? (I'm There...somewhere.)

I have lived a full life. It is time to come clean. I cannot go to my death bed with this on my conscience. I have a confession. I made people believe I was smarter than I really was. I am actually quite clueless on the way to survive in life. I have trained all my life to be a game show contestant.

The realization that I had a special talent came to me in fourth grade. We were having a History bee contest. Like a spelling be, but no spelling, just history and geography. I was the last one standing. Even my grumpy old maid teacher was dumb struck. The smart kids were glaring at me. Until this moment I had been classified with the boys in the class who were capable of only making animal sounds when asked a question.
"Who discovered America, Mr. Swineton? His answer was usually, "grunt, grunt".
Everyone just called him pig. He also had a chicken and a beaver in our class. It was quite a menagerie. I separated myself from the menagerie that day.

I became a treasure trove of useless information. To this day, I know the roster and playing position of the NY Giants and the NY Yankees of 1956. I was interested in sports then. It was a game, not a business.
I also become pretty good at History, Geography, English Literature or anything that had useless facts involved. I became a threat to the smart people. An aberration, a deviation from logic. I never carried a book home. I never did homework unless it was essential.

As far as education was concerned, I was a minimalist. I had the same #2 Dixon Ticonderoga pencil for three years straight. I even sharpened it a couple times. The pencil sharpener was by the window. I wanted to look outside. I purchased One writing tablet per year. If I ran out of paper, I borrowed some.

To be seen with an actual school book was an embarrassment. I did sneak into the Library just about every day. I would have to study or pretend to be doing something useful if I stayed in my class. I always liked books, just not the books that were given to me at the start of the school year.
I hated the Math books. I called them...How long before you lose all your marbles books. If you start out with eight marbles and you give away....blah blah blah..How long before you lose your marbles?

I sold my books at the end of the year. They were in mint condition. never opened,never used. despite this, I continued to amass my knowledge of useless information.School was a wonderful social event. I may have actually learned some stuff too.

I decided to go to college. I was not Harvard material. I entered a junior college.
It was a rerun of high school. I accumulated useless information. I actually memorized most of the names and addresses in the student handbook. I didn't actually memorize all of the names. Very many names. There were 800 students.

I knew who were the BMOC's were. This is good stuff to know. I would go to the local college bar with $2 in my pocket and a head full of information. I would walk up to someone and say, " I know you. Your John Smith from 100 Main Street, His Town, N.Y." He/She would be amazed that I knew their name. I would tell him, "I know everybody name and address, what their major was."
This little trick got me many beers. I only had to know all the students who went to that bar and match it up with the name in the handbook. This worked 9 out of 10 times.
I did not go back to school for my second year. I didn't care much for the major I was taking and they did not have a major called, "Game Show Contestant Technology".

I think back now: What if I had actually studied what the schools were teaching? What if I had been interested in something other than a good time? I guess I wasn't so smart was I? I haven't been on a game show yet.

Did you know that there is 336 dimples on a golf ball?....."Golf balls or $400, Alex."

Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Birds! I know about birds.

Bird Facts and Fiction
When I met my wife she was an avid birdwatcher. I had heard about birds. I knew that some of them fly. Some don't. I had always considered myself a knowledgeable person on most aspects of life and I thought I knew quite a bit about the bird world.
A few examples of my knowledge were:
Larry Bird played for the Celtics for many years.
Turkeys are bigger than chickens. Both make delicious sandwiches.
I thought penguins were fish or mammals. (They didn't fly to Antarctica...duh!)
Actually, that's about the extent of my bird learning.

I did learn a few new things about these little creatures.
Did you know bat were not birds? (They fly!!!)
I thought penguins were fish! (They didn't fly to Antarctica!...DUH!)
Did you know Robins could fly? (I thought they just hopped every where.)
Cardinal's are actual bird!!! (I had never seen a live one.) I thought they were a mythical or extinct bird. They do exist. I have seen them.. I have taken pictures of them.) As Yogi Berra said " you can see a lot by observing."....perhaps George Dubbaya said that. It was all very confusing.

My little French sweetie thought it would a great idea to go to a spot in Montreal where there were nature trails. We would see some birds and enjoy nature. We paid 4$ CD (the french way) each to see a chickadee. I think we saw more birds in the parking lot.
I saw a Ford Thunderbird, AMC Hawk and a Plymouth Roadrunner parked.

It was time to upgrade my knowledge base on birds. My wife presented me with "The Audubon Field Guide for Birds." I found out that there are a few more classes of birds than I thought.
My categories were: Flying Birds and non flying birds, edible birds and not so tasty birds. Any previous book I had about birds was a cookbook.

Since my "Little Chickadee" introduced me to birdwatching, I have discovered a whole new world. A world that was flying by my head every day and I was not noticing any of it. Once you start noticing it is a "wow" experience. A "wow" world. Some birds are very intelligent (Parrots, Crows) others are dumber than Dodos (Dodos, Mourning Doves are not real clever). Some soar like Eagles (Eagles, Pelicans) Some hop around a lot but can actually fly (Robins). Some think they can fly and give it an occasional try. (Turkey). Mockingbirds seem to have an identity crisis. (Who am I? What am I?)
I enjoy watching the sanderlings on the beach. They are constantly trying to avoid the surf. They run in and out trying to avoid the surf while they are trying to find food.
When they get home at night they are too tired to eat. What a life that must be.

Birdwatching can be a lot of fun. A few things you might need:

  • Some type of bird book like Birds of North America by National Geographic or Audubon Field guide. There are many other good ones.
  • Binoculars 8 by 40, 10 by 40
  • Note pad and pen: record the day you saw that yellow bellied Sapsucker.
  • digital camera: Was that really a Yellow bellied Sapsucker?
  • Pith Helmet (optional)
  • Nerdy Companion (optional)
  • an interest in expanding your horizons. (absolutely necessary)

Monday, September 28, 2009

A letter from the Chairman

Dear Mr. Hemlock,

As the Republican chairman in your area it is my responsibility to keep my constituents well informed on current events.

As you may have heard, there is some debate going on about the Democratic sponsored health plan. There are a few issues with this health plan. I will list a few.


starting at the age 65 you will be asked yearly if you wish to be executed. You will be rewarded $1,000 at 65 if you say "Yes". If "no" Every year thereafter the amount will diminish until you reach age 70 at which time It will cost you $10,000 per year to keep your life coverage. Life coverage allows you to live another year.

If you do not wish to renew your life coverage, you will be asked to make funeral arrangements within the next 30 days and choose your "terms of Passage". this will give you the option of mass burial or mass cremation. All proceeds such as Life insurance, real estate, will be "donated" to the National Treasury to balance the budget.

You may wish to go with option "B". which is the "death lottery". It is like the draft lottery of the 70's. Your birthdate and 365 others put into a cage and then they are selected by a man who is going to be executed the next day. He really doesn't have much at stake. He's history after the drawing. If you are in the top 122, you won't make it through the year. 123 through 244 you better hope for some natural disaster wiping out a whole lot of people. 245 to 366 your home free (unless you die).

You may wish to go with option "C". It is known as "The hitman clause". Where a hitman will try to track you down. (sub clause 1*) If you wish to have advance warning it will cost you $15,000 less expenses for a week's warning, $5,000 for a days warning, $1,000 for a hour's warning that the hitman has scheduled you and is on his way. (run, limp, or crawl as fast as you can)

You will be happy to know that we talked the Democrats out of the "Irish Solution." This was proposed by Jonathan Swift in the essay "A Modest Proposal". It must be noted that many business men thought it was a wonderful idea and had business models ready in the event of eventual acceptance.

If you wish to stick with the current Republican health plan where you will be left slithering on the floor off the emergency room until you can prove you have coverage or your health plan decides to stop paying for your treatment or you have to pay out of your pocket until you and your family is bankrupt, this service will continue to be free under our plan.
I know a lot of you don't have the time to read an eleven hundred page document. We do!!
This is our interpretation of the Obama, want to kill my Mama health plan.
Oh Daddy, Oh daddy
Don't be a fatty
Obama will cook you away.

Another service rendered by the Republican party.
Save Mama and Daddy. Vote against the health plan.
...ummm...did I scare you?

Wyatt Srong

Spokesperson for American's for Truth and Stratigery (heh...heh...hee)
Crawford, Texas

Thursday, September 24, 2009

I was born in a house I helped my father build.


In my youth, my best friend, Andy, began to write his autobiography. He was eighteen at the time. He must have known something was amiss. His first sentence was: I was born in a house I helped my father build. I thought that was profound. Weird, paradoxical, impossible and profound. I knew what followed would be humorous and it was. He was a funny guy.

We would go out drinking.We would have heated discussions. He would play the bad guy and I would play the good guy. We would start out discussing a subject and he would always take the unpopular view. He would make outlandish statements like: Adolph Hitler wasn't such a bad guy. We would discuss, harangue, argue with each other, not giving any ground. Finally a little smirk would come on his face. He would be testing your convictions. He would make you think outside the box. He would make sure you knew what you were talking about. He would look for the weakness in your argument.
His whole bad guy bit was just an act.
He occasionally got a little carried away with his act. He would often mention what a wonderful country Germany was. He would refer to it as the "homeland." It was his idea of making himself interesting. The fact is: He was part Swiss and part Norwegian. He had relatives in Switzerland. Everyone knew he was not German. He knew that everyone knew. No matter..he had fun with it.
He always had German Shepard dogs.
They would have German names like Shultz, Max, Gunther, Gretchen. He would take particular delight when a little French Poodle would walk near his dog. " My Shultz could chew your little French poodle to bits". (kinda like the start of WWII.) The fact is: most of his German shepards were really sweeties. Nice dogs.

He only had one that made me nervous. I think he named him Heinz. He would not hurt you as long as you didn't move. If you blinked or breathed he would probably chew your face off. He was sit about two feet from you and stare. A blink would make him show his teeth, a breathe would make him growl. The only movement I probably would not be able to avoid was a bowel movement. This dog scared the shit out of me. Thank God, Heinz was not around for very long.

Andy was a man of the arts. We both were. We were both very pretentious about it.
We both liked Jazz for about a week, I think we liked Art for two weeks, Opera-four hours, Classic Literature was good for about three weeks, Classical music lingered for about three months. We both tried to learn Spanish one summer. (We had flashcards)
We couldn't put a sentence together but we knew words. We were men of the arts

We both liked sports. I actually was the one who played organized sports. He was the intellect. However.....anytime we competed against each other in sports, I found it difficult to beat him. He was very competitive. We liked to make our competitions interesting. We played Croquet. This sounds like a very genteel and refined sport. Wrong!!! We did not have the manicured flat lawn. NO! This was laid out like a par 90 golf course. We had hills, holes, water hazards, deep grass, and building on our course.
If we could have found an alligator, it would have been on the course. There was a lot of good natured cursing, throwing mallets at each other, fist fights all in good fun. Andy's wife usually started the fist fights.....She's feisty.
Any game we would play, we would add our own twist.

He liked to write poetry. One was called "A cat with two tails". It was about a constipated cat. You get the picture. funny!

Andy liked horses. Andy liked beer. Andy actually owned two race horses. They were really hay burners. One was a thoroughbred, one was a trotter. He brought the trotter to the county fair grounds and entered him into a race. He had a friend who was a professional driver. It was not pretty. after the race the driver said, "Run? this horse can't even walk right." The horse became a pet after that.

Andy use to like to go into town and have a beer or two/three/four. He was losing his vision due to diabetes. He couldn't drive any more so he road the horse to town. He would tie the horse to a post outside the bar right next to all the cars. Andy would bring a beer out to his horse if it was a hot day. I guess the horse liked it. It did have grain in it. I guess the horse was either very smart or an alcoholic. One day Andy went to town with the horse. He wanted to push on a little further to the next bar which was about 300 yards down the road. The horse stopped at the first bar and would not go any further. No matter what Andy did the horse would not budge. He stayed at the first bar.

My friend Andy's life was cut short. He loved his beer. This is a bad thing when you have juvenile diabetes. He decided he was going to live life his way. He tried to adjust his beer intake with insulin. It was not a good plan. He once told me he would not live to be forty.
The wheels started to fall off. His vision started to go. His kidneys started to go. After both vision and kidney's were pretty much gone he moved closer to the hospital for dialysis. One day I drove him to the hospital in a blizzard. I was scared, if he could have seen what I was driving in, he would have been scared but he kept boosting my morale and encouraging me. I made it to the hospital then I had to watch his dialysis.
I drove him back home later in the day. whew!!!
Andy finally got a kidney transplant from his brother. He had lost a couple toes, his vision and his kidneys. He never lost his thirst for learning. He learned how to be a ham radio operator. This is mind boggling to me. One of the criteria is that you have to be able to read and transmit morris code. Can you imagine learning dots and dashes and making words out of it while you are blind? Amazing!!!
After a couple of years the transplant rejected. He was waiting for another transplant when he passed away. He was 39 years old.
Something good did come out of this. Andy's wife was his caretaker for many years. She was not a high school graduate. But she went to a vocational nursing school and became a certified nurse. this is good....but not the end of the story. She continued her education. She received her bachelor's degree and her masters degree. she is in charge of the intensive care unit at the hospital where Andy spent many days. she is an amazing lady. Donna.
Andy, You were a great friend. I still think about our fun times. You are missed.
When I meet are common friends(we had many) we always talk about you. We often laugh and sometimes we get a little misty eyed. Didn't we have fun!!!!!

Saturday, September 12, 2009



Incidently, If anybody recognizes this place let me know. My wife went kayaking there one weekend and she won't tell me where it is.

This blog was inspired byBozoette's list of 100 things about her and thought I'd make one for myself. Bev in white (me in RED).

She gave me the idea yesterday. (growing up in the fifties)

1. I turned 60 in February of 2003. (How did I get to be so old? It was 2002 for me. live fast, live long, and leave no good parts to harvest.

2. I am left sided: left handed, left footed, left eyed, etc. I am ambidextrous. I can't do much with either hand. I was born a lefty but people kept trying to make me right handed.

3. Red is my favorite color, though I wear more blue than red.Ditto for me!
4. I've never owned my own car.
First car:Austin Healy Sprite)
5. I dropped out of UC Berkeley after only a year. I never graduated from college.
1 year of college plus a whole bunch of night school.
6. I'm a dog person, not a cat person.
I like both, prefer a cat.
7. I've longed to feel like I was one with a horse, but never learned how to ride.
difficult to litter box train a horse.
8. I am a third generation native San Franciscan.
A New Yorker by birth.
9. My first job was distributing campaign literature for a candidate for San Francisco Supervisor (he lost). I was in grade school at the time.
I mowed lawns and shoveled snow.
10. I attended 12 years of Catholic school, but no longer consider myself a catholic.
Public school, altar boy, lapsed.
11. My blood type is O+. I am a blood donor.
O+ not a donor
12. I've been on diets since I was 10 years old.
8 pounds over HS grad weight. (Don't hate me because I'm beautiful.)
13. My first computer was an Apple IIc (before hard drives!)
I like my MacBook.
14. I hate...hate...hate Word (I'm a WordPerfect girl)
I like word and pages. never used WP.
15. My favorite movie is
A Star Is Born (the Judy Garland version--I've probably seen it over 100 times) The Graduate
16. My first pet was a cat named Socksie, who ultimately ran away.
1st pet; a dog named Wolf, he ran away, but we got him back.
17. I lost my tonsils when I was 4. (I always was careless with my things)
I still have my tonsils. My wife wishes they were in a jar. She thinks they make me snore.
18. I once took ice skating lessons (I was terrible at it)
I can rollerskate.
19. I was a Brownie and a Girl Scout.
I like Brownies and Girl Scout.....cookies.
20. My favorite food is cracked crab.
21. My favorite place is anywhere near the ocean.
I am 500 steps away.
22. Countries I've visited: Canada, England, Ireland, Scotland, France, Australia. (Also the airports of Singapore; Inchon, Korea; and HongKong) I
have been to Canada, my wife forced me to go. She lived there at the time.
23. I've been in Chicago many times, but never left the airport.
I have been to Atlanta, Charlotte, Cincinnati, and Washington Airports. I like the rocking chairs at Charlotte airport.
24. Spring is my favorite season.
I like fall.
25. I rode in a hot air balloon once (loved it).
I have been to a few balloon festivals.
26. The first president I campaigned and voted for was Lyndon Johnson.
I am not very political.
27. I have no allergies that I'm aware of.
Don't wash my clothes with chlorine added unless you want to see a strange dance.
28. I gave birth to five children, naturally, with no drugs.
Yikes! I cry if I am constipated.
29. I hate sewing and am terrible at it.
I only buy wash and wear.
30. My first date was with Bill Farrington. I was 13 and I never dated anyone else until he went into the seminary 3 years later.
My first date was with Mary Margaret O'malley. She went to the convent to become a nun a week later.
31. I was a virgin when I married.
Not me!
32. My favorite offbeat classical composer is Gottschalk.
I like that Polish guy, Chickenowski,
33. I never "got into" rock and roll.
I love it...still.
34. I once rode a camel in the pouring rain (it was silly and fun)
I smoked a camel in the rain. I got a soggy butt.
35. I have seen orcas and humpback whales up close and personal.
This week I have seen horseshoe crabs and jellyfish.
36. I have a mole on my right cheek (face...face...face!)
I have dimples on my cheeks...Not my face, Not my face!
37. In high school I typed faster than anybody in the school.
I was an average typist in school.
38. My guilty pleasure is pancakes loaded with tons of butter and syrup.
39. I have always been a compulsive letter (now e-mail) writer.
I always enjoyed writing.
40. All I want for Christmas is world peace and a clean house--and I may have a shot at one of those, finally, this year.
Well, I am glad you hired a maid.
41. My feet would rather be bare and don't like shoes.
I second the motion.
42. I've been diagnosed with Type II diabetes.
No diabetes in my family.
45. I've been to New York three times, and have bad memories of two of those trips.
I like NYC.
I was a professional cake decorator for a few years. I don't eat cake, even on my birthday.
47. I held a snake once; he peed on me.
I held a baby once. it peed, pooped and threw up on me.
48. I sleep with the TV on most nights.
Not happening here.
49. I've done publicity for just about every organization I ever joined.
I am not a joiner.


50. I hate sunbathing. I enjoy sunbathing.
51. I speak a smattering of French and a smattering of Portuguese.
I smatter almost nothing.
52. I took piano lessons for 2 years in grammar school. Sister Mary Victor used to whack my knuckles with a ruler. I quit. My father never let me forget the money he "wasted" on those lessons.
I had a teacher who threw projectiles at her students.
53. The most beautiful sight I've seen is a tossup between the Cliffs of Mohr in Ireland and the Indian Ocean in Australia, both "sea sights."
Well I am going to have to go with my Farrah Faucet poster.
54. Two of our children died too early.
A parents nightmare.
55. I wrote a book once.
56. My favorite quote from a movie: "Ditto."
"Get off my lawn"
57. I
can iron, but don't. wash and wear.
58. I once met Judy Garland (she was very tiny).
I once met Wilt Chamberlain at a football game. He was not tiny. HUGE!
59. I have worked in medical offices for the past 20 or so years.
I have been in medical office numerous times.
60. I've never had a speeding ticket (but talked myself out of two).
2 speeding tickets for me.
61. I cry at supermarket openings, sunsets, and at the drop of a hat.
I cry at supermarket closings. remember Grand Union.
62. I'm very strong in moments of crisis. Unfortunately I've had lots of practice.
I handle crisis ok.
63. I had one sister, who was murdered.
a bummer.
64. I was the romantic lead in my high school play. I
n HS, I was in the audience of the play.
65. I wanted to adopt children, but couldn't stop birthing them long enough to apply.
not me!
66. I was either pregnant or nursing (or both) for 10 years straight.
not me!
67. I have had a pie thrown in my face (I have also thrown a pie in someone's face).
what flavor?
68. It is possible to fit two grown women and two large Christmas trees in a very small car.
It is possible to fit thirteen clowns in a VW.
69. Most people in my family have died of lung-related illnesses.
Most of my family just got old around 90 and died.
70. I have never smoked cigarettes.
I gave it up 12 years ago.
71. I smoked pot once. I was 57 at the time. It did nothing for me.
I smoked a few joints about 30 years ago. I had to give it up. people were getting suspicious. They would ask me how I was and I would roll on the floor, laughing hysterically, dropping my two bags of Doritos, My 15 slices of pepperoni, my eight slices of cheese, my 12 ritz crackers and my quart of Pepsi.
72. I kill houseplants.
I am not allowed in Florist shops for the same reason. They have my picture at the cash register.
73. There is no better chocolate than See's.
I must give it a try.
74. Coffee of choice? Peet's French Roast, black.
Seattle's best (Henry's blend)
75. I danced the polka when I was 9+ months pregnant (Jeri was born the next day).
I did the limbo under a pay toilet stall.
76. I once climbed to the top of Mt. Lassen. I was much younger then. I
heard that you were younger, years ago.
77. I don't like Shakespeare.
I like the guy, but I don't like what he writes. oh! that's the same.
78. Never been on HRT.
me either!
79. I am reluctantly pro-choice.
I know what you mean. Birth control to late.
80. I have marched in three Gay Pride parades.
I have been a parade watcher. Someone has to do it.
81. I love the sound of rain on a roof; I love walking in a light rain.
I like a soft rain, not a downpour.
82. I am not a hot-weather person.
I like hot.
83. I couldn't decorate my way out of a paper bag.
I once decorated a paper bag.
84. I have over 600 VHS tapes (anybody want an old movie on tape?)
pack em and ship em!
85. I am a shy person and am uncomfortable in the limelight.
My wife and I sing and dance in the aisles at Walmart.
86. I once wrote a weekly mental health column for the local newspaper.
Where did you get my file?
87. When I graduated from high school, I planned to be a nun.
you obviously enjoyed getting your fingers whacked.

88. I've never danced ballet, but wanted to take lessons when I was in grammar school. In my younger days I would not minded lessons from a ballerina.

89. I rarely drink alcohol. I have an occasional beer. I know when I have had enough. I usually pass out before I get there.
90. Favorite ethnic foods? A toss-up between Mexican and Chinese.
Have you ever tried Burrito foo Yung? 20 minutes later you want to pass gas.
91. I took two series of Chinese cooking classes from Martin Yan.
I can cook. How hard is it to read the instructions on a TV dinner?
92. I have always enjoyed photography and once learned how to develop my own photos--now I have gone digital.
I love digital. It covers up my 100 mistakes.
93. My favorite things to photograph: animals and young children.
My cat, birds, the beach, scenic pictures, my wife.
94. Eclipses of the sun are cool!
It gets cooler because the sun dissappears. somebody should have told you.
95. I once broke a toe by dropping frozen beans on it. (Not deliberately)
see answer 91
96. I'm afraid of roller coasters.
I love it. did it the first time at 50.
97. I fell asleep the first time I saw "Cats" and missed the whole thing.
My cat falls asleep watching humans.
98. No matter how thin I get, I will always have fat ankles.
I had thick glasses until I got the ultrathins.
99. I love watching birds, I've discovered.
I discovered a semi palmated plover on the beach the other day. We are bird watchers.
100. I hope there is an afterlife. There are a lot of old friends I want to see again.
I would like to see a few people myself. My best friends life was cut short by Juvenile diabetes.

Thanks Bev