Dear Mr. Hemlock,
As the Republican chairman in your area it is my responsibility to keep my constituents well informed on current events.
As you may have heard, there is some debate going on about the Democratic sponsored health plan. There are a few issues with this health plan. I will list a few.
UNDER THE DEMOCRATIC HEALTH PLAN:
starting at the age 65 you will be asked yearly if you wish to be executed. You will be rewarded $1,000 at 65 if you say "Yes". If "no" Every year thereafter the amount will diminish until you reach age 70 at which time It will cost you $10,000 per year to keep your life coverage. Life coverage allows you to live another year.
If you do not wish to renew your life coverage, you will be asked to make funeral arrangements within the next 30 days and choose your "terms of Passage". this will give you the option of mass burial or mass cremation. All proceeds such as Life insurance, real estate, will be "donated" to the National Treasury to balance the budget.
You may wish to go with option "B". which is the "death lottery". It is like the draft lottery of the 70's. Your birthdate and 365 others put into a cage and then they are selected by a man who is going to be executed the next day. He really doesn't have much at stake. He's history after the drawing. If you are in the top 122, you won't make it through the year. 123 through 244 you better hope for some natural disaster wiping out a whole lot of people. 245 to 366 your home free (unless you die).
You may wish to go with option "C". It is known as "The hitman clause". Where a hitman will try to track you down. (sub clause 1*) If you wish to have advance warning it will cost you $15,000 less expenses for a week's warning, $5,000 for a days warning, $1,000 for a hour's warning that the hitman has scheduled you and is on his way. (run, limp, or crawl as fast as you can)
You will be happy to know that we talked the Democrats out of the "Irish Solution." This was proposed by Jonathan Swift in the essay "A Modest Proposal". It must be noted that many business men thought it was a wonderful idea and had business models ready in the event of eventual acceptance.
If you wish to stick with the current Republican health plan where you will be left slithering on the floor off the emergency room until you can prove you have coverage or your health plan decides to stop paying for your treatment or you have to pay out of your pocket until you and your family is bankrupt, this service will continue to be free under our plan.
I know a lot of you don't have the time to read an eleven hundred page document. We do!!
This is our interpretation of the Obama, Obama...you want to kill my Mama health plan.
Oh Daddy, Oh daddy
Don't be a fatty
Obama will cook you away.
Another service rendered by the Republican party.
Save Mama and Daddy. Vote against the health plan.
...ummm...did I scare you?
Spokesperson for American's for Truth and Stratigery (heh...heh...hee)