Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Fame Is An Elusive Thing.

I have had numerous brushes with fame.  I actually know someone who knew Anna Nicole Smith personally.  I guess that makes me an acquaintance of Anna Nicole.
 The list goes on and on.  I went to a Hermans Hermit's concert in Bridgeport CT in 1965.  I also went to a Hermans Hermit's concert in Vermont in 2005.  after the concert my wife and I got in line so Peter Noone could autograph a CD.  As he signed, he would shoot the breeze with people.
When it was my turn I told him I was at his concert in Bridgeport in 1965.  He said it was a memorable concert because his limo ran over someone.  My faced brightened. "That was me."  we had a connection.
I had another brush with fame in Bridgeport CT.  I went to a nightspot  called "Bill's Castle".  It had  some talent there on Friday nights.  One night they had a singer named Johnny Bennett.  I was told it was Tony Bennett's brother.  When he went to the men's room I followed him.  He used the urinal.  I used the same urinal. I even grabbed one of the pubic hairs.  I believed it belong to Johnny. I saved it for years.  I told people that I used the same urinal as Tony Bennett's brothers. I showed them the pubic hair.  I was almost a celebrity by proxy.
I found out a couple of years ago that Tony Bennett's brother died when Tony was ten years old.   hmmm!  Don't do the math. 
When I was into photography in Vermont,  I thought it would be interesting to take pictures of what people had in their refrigerators.  It was a photographic essay of sorts. Since I lived in Addison County in Vermont I called it "The Fridges of Addison County".  I sent it to a publisher.  He said people weren't interested in what was in a person's icebox.  But he said he liked the title.  A few years later "The Bridges of Madison County" came out.  A best seller.  An Eastwood movie.  I think that fridges are more interesting.  
If my wife could remember names I would know a lot of celebrities.  We will be out walking somewhere in some big city and all of the sudden she say, "We just walked by the guy that married the woman with the big teeth and he is a singer and she is a singer.  He sings a duet with her called mockingbird but now they are divorced and he lost most of his hair."
I'll say "James Taylor? Where?" 
He will be long gone.  She never forgets a face or remembers a name.  I think I missed Elvis several times because of this.
She will say things like, "I wonder why that guy who sings Heartbreak Hotel was getting his gas there?" 
I got even.  One time I said " we just walked by the guy that sells the popcorn." 
she says,"Who cares about Colonel Saunders?"  I said, "No, It was Paul Newman."
Things like this just keep happening.  I am so close to fame I can taste it. but it eludes me.

Thursday, May 7, 2009

She says "Potato" and I say "could be...possibly..perhaps"

My wife says I have a disconcerting habit of not stating the obvious in resolute fashion. In other words she calls me "The Waffler".  It sounds like I am some kind of super hero. I could have been one.  I can picture it.  "Look..Up in the sky..It's a bird, It's a Plane,  It's "The Waffler"  perhaps...could be.  It is.
"Aren't you going to save the earth today? Mr. Waffler."
"Hmm! Possibly, Perhaps".
Is that an Asteroid hurdling towards earth, Waffleman?"
"It could be.  I might fly up the tonight and take a look, maybe."
"Just don't stand there playing ping pong with yourself. do something, you moron."
"You might possibly be on to something maybe.  Perhaps I should. I will sleep on it and probably have my decision sometime tomorrow."

This how my wife sees my decision making skills.
The problem is not really that bad.  She is the REAL problem.
Her world has two colors.  Black and white.  There is no gray.
She is one of those computer programmers. She lives in a binary universe.
It is either  yes or no, Positive or negative. In binary there is no maybe switch.  In binary flow charts there is no maybe, could be, perhaps, might possibly. It's yes or no. Black or white, positive or negative.
Any variation from positive or negative is considered a loose end and must be fixed to make the world rotate properly on its axis.

My verbal world is painted with a colorful pallet of pastels and neutral noncommittal and non-offensive colors.
If my decision making was a work of art it would look like a Kandinsky painting.(above)  
My wife is different.  She now has three paintings on the wall.
One is all White.  It is called "Blizzard at the North Pole".  
she has a black one. It is called "Blind man walking at midnight during a blackout".  The third one is brown.
It is called "Sandstorm in the Sahara at dawn".
Well,  I guess you get the idea.  More or less.  Possibly.