Thursday, June 24, 2010

The senior citizenship test

How to be cruel to old guys. (Above)

Recently my wife became a U.S. citizen. This requires a test and a hefty application fee.
After much though, I see this as an opportunity for the federal government to refill the Federal coffers.

Yes, It is time to make anyone over the age of 50 and 70 to take the "Senior Citizenship Test".
This will refill the government coffers and will keep out the riffraff from senior citizen events. They will be unable to be harassed by AARP like the rest of us. They will not be able to get the Dunkin Donuts 10% discount.
YOU WILL NOT BE ASKED TO SHOW ID AT DUNKIN DONUTS LIKE I WAS. (Wow!...I am trying to get over that one.....move on....move on.)"bastardos!!!"

It is my belief that it is far too easy to become a senior citizen, especially the first part.
The last part is a bit tougher. If you make it to 70 you are exempt.
The disenfranchised people between the age of 50 and 70 who cannot past the test we will call junior seniors. "jusers?"
The folks that come up with names like "birthers" will like "Jusers".

I can't wait for it to come out in the Urban Dictionary.
Juser: An American citizen who could not pass the Senior Citizenship test. It is short for junior senior.

There are certain things a senior MUST know.
Here are a few sample questions for the senior citizenship test.

  1. You visit a mall. What is the first place you go? correct answer is: the restrooms.
  2. You go to the doctor. What is the first thing you ask the nurse?: Where's the bathroom? Do you want me to pee in a bottle while I'm there?
  3. You are invited to the neighbors party. What is required of the neighbor? sufficient amounts of toilet paper is the correct answer.
  4. You move into a senior community. What is the first thing you ask your new neighbor? Can I borrow some denture cream is an acceptable answer? Can I borrow half a Viagra is not.
  5. You are going out for the evening. Which would be a social blunder? A: saying the soup tasted like kaka B: wearing underwear on the outside C: peeing your pants D: Using the ladies room E: none of these. The correct answer is E. All of these are acceptable for a senior citizen.
  6. You get your morning paper. What do you read first? Only correct answer is obituaries.
  7. fill in the blank. Your____ weighs more than ____ pounds. correct answer is: A:cat or Chihuahua B: 35.
  8. You have dreams about: A: sex B: Wild parties C: prunes. Prunes is the correct answer.
  9. It's growing fast!!! What is it? A: your debt B: Your herb garden C: Your ear and nose hair. C again is the correct answer.
  10. I buy it by the case. It is cool and soothing. What is it? The correct answer is preparation H.
Well, this will give you an idea how the questions will be directed.
Good luck.

Friday, June 11, 2010

MY annoying bucket list

I have heard people talking about their bucket list a lot lately. I guess this means "to die". I am guessing this comes from the expression "kick the bucket".
I find this expression highly disrespectful. I am kinda leaning towards " Dustbiters" myself. I could have Queen sing "Another one bites the dust." when they bring my body into the chapel. Then they would put a rocking chair at the altar. My wife would sit there. Two pallbearers would gently move the rocker back and forth to yet another Queen song, "We will rock you." and at the end of the services I would like to hear one of my favorite songs of the 50's. A song by the Del Vikings. It is titled "Come go with me."
Ah, three great funeral songs......but I digress.

We are talking about my bucket list or dustbiter bits, as I like to call them. I will stick to "Bucket list" for the sake of continuity.

First thing: My bucket list can only be spoken by Morgan Freeman. After I am finished with this little dissertation I plan on sending my list to Morgan to be recorded onto a CD.
This is only proper. He starred in the movie "Bucket list". It was either Morgan Freeman or Jack Nicholson. I like Morgan's voice.

  1. Ok, World travel is out. I have been two countries in the world. Canada and U.S., What else is there? I have seen a bunch of places in the movies and on television. Oh wait a minute. I wouldn't mind going to Charlotte Airport. They have nice rocking chairs there. I didn't really get a chance to sit in one. I had to catch a plane.
  2. I would like to go to a mall that has good food.
  3. Adopt some parents. My wife and I are both orphans. Her parents died at 75 and 82, mine died at 80 and 94.
  4. Pretend to be from Latvia for a day. Speak gibberish. "sham alaka du?"
  5. Do a nude painting. I usually paint with my clothes on. This will save a lot on clothing expenses.
  6. Apply to go to Harvard. I will send my real transcript. I write once a week until they answer.
  7. Get dentures for our cat. He has dental problems. We should not have fed him sweets when he was a kitten. (see! It's not ALL about me.)
  8. Start calling guys names like Biff or Buck.
  9. Be the founder of a group that protect earthworms. They contribute so much to our soil. what do they get for their trouble? Put on a fish hook!!!!! That's what! This really makes my blood boil. Did you ever look at their little faces? They are saying, " Just kill me now. This guy is crucifying me. He is sticking things in my body and teasing fish with my body."
  10. Become a Hassidic Jew or a Amish. I really like there fashion sense.
  11. Correct people who say, "I could care less." that means you still care. It should be," I couldn't care less."
  12. Correct people who say, "I should have went" . It's "I should have gone".
  13. Correct people who cannot pronounce a three letter word. Ask....not aks.
  14. Get all those cartoon characters with speech problems into a Speech Therapist. That would be Donald Duck, Porky Pig, Elmer Fudd, Sylvester, Roadrunner (Beep! beep is his total vocabulary).
  15. Some of these characters have personal problems. Wily Coyote and Donald Duck need anger management. Donald Duck puts on a shirt but walks around bare-assed. This guy has some serious issues.
  16. Some one told me I should have watched "Lost". Isn't that a lot like watching Gilligan's Island but not as funny?
This is a good start. I will be adding to my bucket list as time goes on.

Thursday, June 3, 2010

The Spin Doctor is in!!! I am taking new clients.

My degree came in the mail today!!!!!

After reading the newspaper thoroughly for the last couple weeks, I decided it was time for me to come out of retirement.
I am needed. I can embellish the truth, spin it around, dress it all up and call it a fact. I can do this!!!
It is a well known fact: If you repeat a lie often enough it becomes the truth.
Tony Hayward, the chief executive under pressure to defend BP's record in America, has backtracked on early claims that the environmental impact of the spill was "very, very modest". (page 1)
Wow! This is easy.

He played down the extent of damage to Louisiana's coastline just 10 days ago, but yesterday admitted: "This is clearly an environmental catastrophe, there are no two ways about it."(page 9)

Let's give it another try.....because....If you repeat a lie often enough it becomes the truth. (V. Lenin)

Sarah Palin has a new neighbor, Joe McGuinness. He's writing a book. The book is about....Sarah Palin. Glen Beck is not happy about this. What will Glen do? Burn some books? apparently "Fahrenheit 451" was not on his reading list. perhaps he was reading Goebbel's "The Power of Propaganda" (kindle edition, of course!!!) at the time, where it also said, "If you repeat a lie often enough it will become the truth."

Ok! I think I am getting the knack of this. Let's try a few.
  • Obama was born in Kenya. Don't confuse me with facts.
  • Paris Hilton is a highly intelligent virgin.
  • World War II will now be referred to as, "That unpleasantness that happen in the mid twentieth century."
  • Holocaust? never, never happen. a trick of the jewish media which controls Hollywood.
  • Adolph Hitler? He gave us the Volkswagon. A misunderstood man we needed a fashion makeover. (Get rid of that mustache! Do something with your hair.)
  • Rush Limbaugh is intelligent. OWWW! ("Did I just write that?")
  • Denture cream is the new "Duck tape".
  • JFK was faithful to Jackie.
  • Billy Bob (You can call me Jeff!!) Clinton was faithful to Hil.
  • Republican's are faithful to their wives. Ask Mark S. and Eliot S.
  • If you repeat a lie often enough it becomes the truth.
  • Democrats are concerned with the common man. right?...John Edwards and your $400 haircut.
  • The World Trade Center was really done by the CIA to invoke hatred against the muslims.
  • Elvis Presley is alive. He lives in a cabin in Montana. He is Anti-government and plans on overthrowing the government soon. He hasn't been the same since Nixon turned down his offer to help the government. He went off the deep end. Kinda like Glen Beck.
  • There is a woman somewhere in Upstate New York that is wearing her dead sister's dentures. (Obamacare was too late.)
  • Big business can be trusted. They are a better shepard of wealth and welfare. Business is heavily involved in watching out for the common man. "Isn't that right, Mr. Madoff?"
  • If you repeat a lie often enough it becomes the truth.
  • The Republicans and big business would never mislead us about health care.
  • The country is being taken over by left wing radicals and socialist. I am totally against the government controlling my life. I will vote against any legislation that even hints of socialism. Now if you will excuse me, I have to go to the mailbox and see if my Social Security check has arrived.
PS: Don't forget....If you repeat a lie often enough it becomes truth.