Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Jeopardy Meme

Since I am a fan of both Jeopardy and memes I have decided to incorporate both in one blog. Let's begin.

  • Winken, Blinken and Nod. What describes my sex life after 8PM?
  • Bears, Giants, Eagles, Redskins. Name 3 football teams and a politically incorrect racial slur.
  • Apples and lemons. Name the two main types of computers.
  • The missionary position. What is the last job I applied for at the church?
  • Mercury Cougars. What do they call older women on Mercury that like younger guys?
  • Their both dogs!!Why does Goofy speaks, wears shoes, hat, and walks erect, Pluto walks on all fours, barks and wears a collar?
  • Why around his waist? When Donald Duck comes out of shower what does he do with the towel and then goes out on the street bare-assed?
  • Acme won't give him any more credit to buy stuff. Why did the Wily coyote end up killing himself ? He couldn't catch the roadrunner.
  • Porky Pig, Sylvester, Elmer Fudd, and Donald Duck. Name four characters that need a speech therapist.
  • Donald Duck and Yosemite Sam. Name two characters who need anger management intervention.
  • Brittany Spears ass. What has more fingerprints than the FBI?
  • Jury duty. What is the best paying job in this economy?
  • Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 congressmen. Who really got hurt in this economy?
  • You call them and ask if its you or them. If the bank returns your check marked "insufficient funds"?
  • Huey, Dewey, and Louie. Name a helicopter, a cat, and a saint
  • Gone with the Wind. What happen to my 401k?
  • I am not afraid of flying. I'm really afraid of crashing.
  • Wow, I didn't see that coming. The Vatican defends the Pope condom stand.(headline)
  • The Milky Way. What is the best way to make a smoothie?
  • The Dog Whisperer, The Horse Whisperer, The Ghost Whisperer. Name 3 people who are talking about me behind my back.
  • "Don't cry for me, Argentina." What is the state song of South Carolina?
  • Appalachian Trail. What Trail goes from Pennsylvania to Argentina?
  • You are the biggest loser... already. "What did NBC say when Rush Limbaugh wanted to get on that program and lose some weight?
  • The best three years of my life. What was 5th grade?(I was 16 by then.)
  • Canada? "Why would I leave America to visit America Jr.?" quoted by Homer Simpson.
  • Saturn, Uranus, Jupiter. Name a car, a body part, and a town in Florida.
  • 27.4%. Of all statistics are made up on the spot.
  • Eileen. What do you call a woman that has one leg shorter than the other?
I need a final Jeopardy question. This is a visual final Jeopardy.

The final answer is: Rickey

Question is in the picture.

Friday, October 23, 2009

My Nobel prize is in the mail.

The Coltmobile

My world has been turned upside down. Things are getting a little weird in the world.
The Nobel peace prize for Barack Obama? Hmmmm.

Did I miss something in the news about Iraq and Afghanistan? Must be.

This means I will be hearing from the Nobel committee in the Literature category. It could happen. I haven't had anything published but Barack has not made any peace so I guess my chances of hearing from the Nobel committee are quite good.
I suspect the Nobel committee will refer to my unpublished "Colt Brandisher" series.
Actually my unwritten and unpublished series. Untitled, I might add.
Perhaps I can tie up some loose ends today.
Did I mention anything about Candida Goldblatt? Well....She's good lookin!!!

The Title Thingee
Perhaps I could do something like the author Sue Grafton. A is for....whatever. B is forsomething. No? X is for what, Sue?
How about something like Lillian Jackson Braun series, The Cat who .....whatever! buried his feces, meowed all night, Farted...take your pick. No? (My cat does all these things.)
How about a series along the lines of John Sandford. His prey series. How aboutChurch Prey or Bird of Prey. No?
Wow, This is difficult. Martha Truman wrote about Murder at series...Murder at the White House. Murder at the FBI. I could go with Murder at the Outhouse, etc..No?
What if I used every state in the union. I would like to get sex in the title. How aboutPray for Sex in Alabama. I think I am getting close but the title sounds too "Baptist".
I think I am getting close.

Character description

Sometimes you can tell more about a character by the car he/she drives or some other gimmick. Do you remember Columbo? He had a nifty vehicle and a raincoat. A characters personal quirks. What do they drive? what do they drink? Eat? Those personal little touches that make him unique.
Perhaps I could have Colt drive a 1957 Citroen that is pulling a pop-up trailer. His Ex-wife got everything. Too quirky? perhaps I could have him dress strange. Maybe wear his boxer shorts on the outside. Nah! Why would he do that? Remember, If that trend starts, you heard it here first.

No, He is going to look like me/Clint Eastwood. That will make him quirky enough.
He will drive a 1957 Citroen. That is good. Perhaps I can give him a strange hobby for a guy. Maybe he could be a knitter. You know.....knit one, pearl two...whatever...No? How about Pinochle master? ...No, better yet. a scrabble master. He will go around muttering, " 192 points on the word antiqued, can you believe it?" over and over. This is from my own personal experience. 192 pts. on that word and I did mutter that for six months. It is mentioned reverent and hushed terms in our house. I'm the reverent one. My wife tells me she doesn't want to hear any more about it. That is where the hushed part comes into play. I probably should not have taken a picture of it and framed it.

Colt is a fussy eater. No pepsi and milk like Laverne and Shirley. He wants his Beer shaken not stirred. He doesn't like the taste of Martinis. He will not eat olives. His pancakes have to be square. They must be trimmed while cooking.
Quirky? Yeeaaahh!
I think this is going well. I should have enough for the Nobel committee. I believe I have positioned myself to be a top candidate now. I think I have positioned myself better than Barack did for the Nobel peace prize. I could be wrong......Nah!!!

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

writing the great american mystery novel (part deux)

The Return of Colt Brandisher.

I have decided to write my first mystery. I have found through research that the key to capturing the reader is usually in the first paragraph and I surely did not want to start with; "It was a dark and stormy night." So let the writing commence. I will walk "my public" through the writing process. 100 years from now they will not have to ask; "how did he write this classic?"

Hmm! OK!...Here goes...!!!! RED: (The process) white: (The Novel)

Brutus, the feisty wolf pup, frolicked in the zoo enclosure on Christmas morning, his mother keeping a watchful eye as she munched on what looked like a pile of beefsteak tomatoes rimmed with cottage cheese. packages and toys were scattered about. Sadly it was not tomatoes. it was not cottage cheese.
It was Santa Claus.
It's my job to figure out what happen. I'm a cop." (so far...so good.)

I got my idea for my great American novel from reading two books at the same time.
I was reading "Dewey, the Library Cat" and "Santa Fe Rules" by Stuart Woods.
My wife asked me what I was reading and I was a little confused and I told her that Dewey was a cat that murdered someone in the Santa Fe Library. I had the two stories mixed together. back to my story.

Hmmm! I am going to google "The detective name generator".
Wow! There is a detective name generator.
It is a toss up between Hollis Truslow and Delmar Spurger. perhaps I could use the original name I thought of in Part I. Colt Brandisher. I like it. I must have a female love interest for Colt. I am leaning towards the names: Candida Goldblatt, Lotus Blossom Finkelstein or Lucretia Shellhammer. I think I will go with Lotus Blossom Finklestein. She will be of mixed ethnicity. Japanese mom, Jewish dad, but was raised a Zen Baptist.

"The names Brandisher, Colt Brandisher, Inspector Colt Brandisher, Police Inspector Colt Brandisher, City Police".
He flashes his badge for a millisecond. He didn't want anyone to know that he had lost his original badge and purchased a "Frontier Town Amusement Park" badge on the internet.
"Everyone step back. Let me through. Has this guy been ID'ed yet?" Female detective Candida Goldblatt, the hottest detective on the force, perhaps in the city, stepped forward.
"Still having those hot flashes, Candida?" " Ya...I think I am going through my changes....Damn, I am only 27 years old."
This may explain why she was wearing a tube top and short shorts. or perhaps she was on a vice stake out when the call came in.

"The guys name is Claus. I checked his ID. He has a rap sheet a mile long. mostly breaking and entering. I think he is a sex offender also. He tries to get children to sit on his lap and ask them to "Go for a sleigh ride". He has got stuck in numerous chimneys, has been accuses of animal abuse. He once pinched a reindeer so hard on the nose that it got all red. He tells the reindeer that they can fly and he makes them jump off the roof. He has delivered weapons to children. This guy is a real sicko."

"Yup, were lucky to have this guy off the streets." They just arrested his wife for aiding and abetting. They also booked her on Elf abuse and possession of stolen property. she had these little guys working for her in the basement. no breaks, worked 7 days a week. They never went anywhere. The DA thinks they are from Bosnia or Cambodia.
Illegals for sure."
"What about the mayor? What's he think?" Brandisher queried.
"Oh, He got a $400 haircut and a Spanish translation book and went for a walk on the Appalachian Trail. You could ask his wife what she thinks. She's home."
"Well, let's wrap up the crime scene and go for Christmas dinner."

I am a little stuck on moving forward. If anyone has ANY suggestions to break this plot blockage please let me know. I would like this novel on the street by Christmas...I think.
help me!!!
Things I will need help with:
  • plot
  • Character description of " Colt" , Candida(She's good lookin!!!)
  • middle
  • End

Monday, October 5, 2009

A secret dirty little trick from a misguided youth

Children of the corn? (I'm There...somewhere.)

I have lived a full life. It is time to come clean. I cannot go to my death bed with this on my conscience. I have a confession. I made people believe I was smarter than I really was. I am actually quite clueless on the way to survive in life. I have trained all my life to be a game show contestant.

The realization that I had a special talent came to me in fourth grade. We were having a History bee contest. Like a spelling be, but no spelling, just history and geography. I was the last one standing. Even my grumpy old maid teacher was dumb struck. The smart kids were glaring at me. Until this moment I had been classified with the boys in the class who were capable of only making animal sounds when asked a question.
"Who discovered America, Mr. Swineton? His answer was usually, "grunt, grunt".
Everyone just called him pig. He also had a chicken and a beaver in our class. It was quite a menagerie. I separated myself from the menagerie that day.

I became a treasure trove of useless information. To this day, I know the roster and playing position of the NY Giants and the NY Yankees of 1956. I was interested in sports then. It was a game, not a business.
I also become pretty good at History, Geography, English Literature or anything that had useless facts involved. I became a threat to the smart people. An aberration, a deviation from logic. I never carried a book home. I never did homework unless it was essential.

As far as education was concerned, I was a minimalist. I had the same #2 Dixon Ticonderoga pencil for three years straight. I even sharpened it a couple times. The pencil sharpener was by the window. I wanted to look outside. I purchased One writing tablet per year. If I ran out of paper, I borrowed some.

To be seen with an actual school book was an embarrassment. I did sneak into the Library just about every day. I would have to study or pretend to be doing something useful if I stayed in my class. I always liked books, just not the books that were given to me at the start of the school year.
I hated the Math books. I called them...How long before you lose all your marbles books. If you start out with eight marbles and you give away....blah blah blah..How long before you lose your marbles?

I sold my books at the end of the year. They were in mint condition. never opened,never used. despite this, I continued to amass my knowledge of useless information.School was a wonderful social event. I may have actually learned some stuff too.

I decided to go to college. I was not Harvard material. I entered a junior college.
It was a rerun of high school. I accumulated useless information. I actually memorized most of the names and addresses in the student handbook. I didn't actually memorize all of the names. Very many names. There were 800 students.

I knew who were the BMOC's were. This is good stuff to know. I would go to the local college bar with $2 in my pocket and a head full of information. I would walk up to someone and say, " I know you. Your John Smith from 100 Main Street, His Town, N.Y." He/She would be amazed that I knew their name. I would tell him, "I know everybody name and address, what their major was."
This little trick got me many beers. I only had to know all the students who went to that bar and match it up with the name in the handbook. This worked 9 out of 10 times.
I did not go back to school for my second year. I didn't care much for the major I was taking and they did not have a major called, "Game Show Contestant Technology".

I think back now: What if I had actually studied what the schools were teaching? What if I had been interested in something other than a good time? I guess I wasn't so smart was I? I haven't been on a game show yet.

Did you know that there is 336 dimples on a golf ball?....."Golf balls or $400, Alex."