Thursday, September 29, 2011

Misinformation Hotline

One of our many experts. (only two actually)

Misinformation Hotline
from the Hemlock Institute

This is a service I will be providing to the American public starting October 1st (Mayday).  I will be answering questions based on my personal database and prejudice.  The answers have no basis in fact and if I have answered it factually it is totally accidental.


My first question is from J.R. in Wisconsin. 
She inquires:Was Obama really born in Kenya?

Answer:......HELLLOOOOOO!  Did you just crawl out of a cave.  Yes, It is a well established fact that he was born in Kenya. (SOURCE: Rush Limbaugh, Glen Beck)

Ms B.S. from California want to know: Do we really have the best healthcare system in the world?

Answer:HAARRUUMPPPPFFFF!!!! Apparently there is quite an elaborate cave system in California also.  Yes, B. S., We have the best health system in the world.
When I say "we", I am, of course, referring to the U.S. Congress. My source would be John Boehner.  The rest of the country? The best healthcare system? Not so much.

My next question is from Rick P. in Texas.  He says that Mexicans are coming across the border and stealing his jobs.  He wants to know what he can do about this travesty.

Answer: Well, Rick, It looks like you should find a different profession other than gardener, fruit harvester, or lawn maintenance because that is the jobs they are taking.  I suggest perhaps something in the customer service field.  perhaps you could be a greeter at Walmart.  Let me give you a little test.  Finish this statement.
"Do you want (a) flies (b) fries (3) to cry (d)all of these.....with your Whopper?"
There is no correct answer, Rick.  so feel free to answer honestly. (I'm lying..there is a correct answer.)

The next question is from H.H. in Connecticut.  
She ask (or aks) "My job has been outsourced to India, I think.  I went to my office this morning.  It was empty.  There was a phone # on the door telling me where I could pick up my severance pay.  I called and a girl named Brittany answered.  She had an Indian accent. I aksed where I could pick up my check and she said, "Bangalore...umm..Street"
There is no Bangalore Street in my town.  I checked on Google maps. What should I do?"

Answer:  Yes, you have been outsourced.  It is a new tradition in our country to put profit ahead of people.  I will give you some satisfaction to know that Brittany's job will be outsourced to China at the end of the year.  Indians are starting to demand a living wage.  What should you do?  Collect unemployment and welfare while the infrastructure of the U.S. of A. crumbles and Congress says, "Hmmm...What should we do? 
"Ummm...let's see.  There are many well educated people out of work, unable to pay their mortgage and the bridges, Highways and cities are crumbling.  I just don't see a solution.  This is really a conundrum.  Hey, since we are mostly lawyers maybe we should sue somebody.  I wonder what Rush Limbaugh would do?"

My next question is from a J. G. in NYC.  She ask the question, " We have the "No child left behind" concept at her son's school.  He cannot count to ten or write his name and he will be graduating in June.  What should I do?"

Answer: Not to worry, Miss G.  If your son can dribble a basketball he will be eligible for a scholarship.  He does not wish to go to college, he can probably get himself into the welfare system and be eligible for free education, housing, food, health care for himself and his 13 year old girl friend who is pregnant and will want a boob job after the birth of her third child in December.  
Note: The likelihood of him getting a job in this economy is nil anyway, so go with the flow.

My next question is from a Mr. O.J.S. who is currently incarcerated in a penitentiary somewhere in Nevada.  He would like to know how he could get in touch with Casey Anthony.  He would like to know if she is dating anyone. 
He states,"We seem to have a lot in common.  I am looking for someone who will help me find my wife's killer.  You seem to have a similar experience with the U.S. justice system."
Answer: At this time Casey is looking for someone to father her next victim..child. To become eligible send $1000 and a biography, pictures, DNA sample and a short video of you dancing to: Jose Baez, Orlando, Florida.  He will contact her after reviewing your application.

HEADLINE from the National Inquisitor: (THIS JUST IN!!!!) 
From Kim in Wisconsin
Dancing with the Stars, the Felony Edition will premier next season. So far they have lined up Casey Anthony to dance with John Walsh of America's Most Wanted
and they all ready pulled a coup when they got O. J. Simpson out on a work release program so he could dance with Lindsay Lohan.  Also Phil Spector will be out to dance with either Heidi Fleis or Tanya Harding.  Tanya, when asked about fellow competitor, Casey Anthony, She was heard to say, "I'd like to kneecap that bitch."
Nancy Grace will be dancing with Joran Van Der Sloot who will also be on a work release program in Peru.  They will do a very passionate Tango together. I hear he can do a killer Tango.

And one final question for today and it comes from Mr. C.S. of Hollywood, California.  He queries, " Is tiger's milk really good for you?"

Answer: "Yes, it is Charlie.....errrr..Mr.C.S., It is very good for you. The deal is,  if you are the one milking the tiger, you probably don't need it."

Well, if anyone needs any questions answered by the Hemlock Institute, feel free to submit a question.  I will answer it.
A good idea!! If you are tall!!!

Monday, September 19, 2011

My Wild Irish Rose and other companions

Wine Tasting Misadventures
What's the word?...Thunderbird?

She was my mistress and companion on my nightly excursions in the world of youthful sleaze.
I tried to sleep with her on numerous occasions.  Sometimes I was successful, but usually she would get my head spinning and my stomach all queasy.  She had that intoxicating demeanor.

Yeah, she was cheap, but she was sweet.  Cheap wine usually is. Wild Irish Rose is the cheapest.  I have some bittersweet memories of WIR and bittersweet would pretty much describe the taste.  What can one expect for 60 cents a bottle? This wine makes Ripple taste like a winner at a wine tasting contest.  In fact, during my adolescence my friends and I became connoisseurs of cheap wine.

In New York in late 50's and 60's the drinking age was 18.  We were not intimidated by that lofty distant number.  We were not going to wait two or three years before our lips would taste the nectar of the gods.  We were ready.

My friends Jim and Andy had very little money.  This did not dampen our eagerness for an adventure in wine tasting.  We would simply bum money until we had enough to buy a bottle or two of Wild Irish Rose.
We would sneak into the woods nearby, break open the bottle,  take a healthy sip, slosh it around in our mouths and spit it out, look at each other and comment on the bouquet as a knowledgeable wine taster would do.
"Gasoline" Jim would shout. "low test, I might add".
"Kerosene", was my rejoinder. "1957...a good year for kerosene."
"Rancid grape soda with a hint of putrefied toe cheese", was Andy's comment.
"Ah...You have the benefit of both wine and cheese in one bottle.  A bit of luck for you, sir", Jim added.

After a few attempts we got to the point where we could swallow the wine without gagging.  We stopped spitting it out.

We moved on to a higher class wine rather quickly.  We moved on to Thunderbird.  This is also what is referred to as a bumwine, we thought it was a step up and the bottle was bigger. Also, it was a California wine.  We were done with New York wineries.

We got very good at bumming and sharing.  One evening we bummed enough money for about a gallon of Thunderbird.  We just had to give our financial benefactors a sip.
We were a bit over served that night.  After a while we were in no condition to drive.  Thank God none of us had a car.  We were in no condition to walk either.  We took turns carrying each other.  We had to walk two miles to get home.   We made it to Jim's house, since his home was the closest.  By this time, Andy was in a total stupor and he was thrashing around making our life difficult.
We brought Andy to the garage, tied him up so he wouldn't thrash around, hooked his coat, with him in it, onto a hook on the wall.
Jim then said, " Come on into the house and meet my uncle.  He's a priest."
"Ah...No..Thanks...Jim.  I will be on my way. Have a nice Thanksgiving."
I also had to get up and watch the vaunted Detroit Lions give the lowly Green Bay Packers a pummeling.
"Oh, come! My parents won't even notice that we had a little bit of wine. My uncle drinks wine all the time.  He won't notice either."
It is a good thing I was not born a female. I gave in way too easily.  I guess I was a male wine slut at the time.

Jim and I staggered to the house and  stumbled up the stairs and into the kitchen.  Jim's dad was there to greet us.  He took one look at us and asked sternly, " Have you boys been drinking?" We both said, "No" in unison.
"Don't lie to me.  You boys have been drinking."
Finally, we confessed.  "We had a glass of wine at Andy's house."
"A glass?" Jim's dad queried loudly.  "It was a big glass." I added.  We confessed that we had a little more than a glass of wine.  We didn't really fool anyone.  We could barely stand or talk properly.  We told Jim's dad that we had hung Andy in the garage.

"What?...You hung Andy?....Why?....He was a good kid."
"Yeah, but we got sick of carrying him." I answered.
"He didn't even get last rites.  How could you? I will have Father Riley (the uncle) administer last rites."
Jim and I looked at each other. We were puzzled.  What is he talking about?
"Oh....No...Not like that." Jim offered. "We did it with nails and a garden hose."

At this point, Jim's dad is in shock.  He is about ready to have a stroke. "You crucified Andy?  You boys are very mentally sick.  You have ruined your lives."
His eyes were very moist.  He kept repeating, "sick...sick...sick."

Finally, we really had to tell the whole truth.  This was getting out of hand.
We told Frank (Jim's dad) that Andy was out in the garage being held up by a garden hose and a nail to keep him from falling over onto the cement in the garage.  He was too drunk to walk and we left him out in the garage because he would have given us away.  We actually thought nobody would notice that Jim and I could barely stand up straight or talk without a heavy slur.

Finally, Frank explained the situation to Father Riley, who had been in the other room listening to the whole escapade.  I met Father Riley, shook his hand. He gave Jim and I a little lecture about lying and we were remanded to our own custody to take care of Andy, who was still hanging in the garage.

We had to walk Andy to his home, which was another half mile down the road. We didn't really walk him, we carried him.  He was in a stupor.

We carried him to his front door.  We hoped that it was unlocked.  It was.  Nobody was up.  Everybody had gone to bed.  Thank God...we would not have to explain this to more people.  We used stealth to set him just inside the door, on the floor and quietly exited his residence.  Then we ran for about a hundred yards.

"Whew, poor guy. He's toast.  I suppose we will be hearing from his mom and dad tomorrow."

Strangely, Andy was the only one who did not get caught. When I got home my parents were waiting for me.  I gave them the "sip of wine at Andy's house" story.  I think they knew it was a lie, since I still was having trouble navigating.
Jim, Andy and I discussed it on Saturday.We considered this a legendary adventure of our teen years.
We decided we would meet at Scotty's, our hang out, in exactly 20 years.  The night before Thanksgiving.  Wednesday.


The meeting never happened:  Reality got in the way.
Approximately four months after this event, Andy became a diabetic.  He didn't take good care of his disease.  As time went on, Andy lost his vision, his toes, his kidneys and at the age of 39....his life.  He was my best friend.

Jim became a lawyer.  A good one.  Ironically, Jim's daughter was born the day Andy died.  He could not be a pallbearer because of this.  I haven't seen Jim in twenty years.
However he did sign one of my legal documents.  Thanks, Jim!!!

The place where we were supposed to meet is now a pile of rubble. The only thing left of it are the memories.

The town I was raised in has not fared much better.  Ten years after our adventure, the main industry in our town shut down permanently.  The town is in a state of decline.
It was a great place to grow up.  It is heartbreaking to go back and see what has happened to it.

Life...for some of us...goes on.

Thursday, September 8, 2011

The Wizardry of Oz

I'm off to see the wizard.

Recently the little French Lady and I have become more health conscious.  In keeping with this theme I adjusted my 401K to reflect my expected living age to 110 years old.   Now I must do something in the health department to facilitate my expectations. 
My wife adjusted her 401K to the age of 101 so we could die at approximately the same day.
We both decided that Doctor Oz seems to have a lot of ideas on how to stay healthy. We started saving his TV show on our DVR.  This seemed like a really great plan.  I read a couple of his  "YOU" books and they seemed quite confusing so I assumed he knew what he was talking about.  
He is often quoted in Reader's Digest, The New York Times, Mad Magazine and the Daily Worker, so we had a sense that he had some credibility.
After two months of Doctor Oz,  I must confess that I feel the same as I did before I started watching his program and taking his advice.  
I do have a very healthy refrigerator heavily stocked with Shiritake noodles, baked kelp, cauliflower smoothies, a 5 gallon of some very virginal olive oil, 14 avocados, 50 pounds of walnuts, and a Swanson Fried Chicken TV dinner.  
We haven't eaten at home in 5 weeks.  I cannot even look into the refrigerator without gagging.
On top of our dining room table is our food supplements.   We have so many supplements on our table that we have to eat standing up.  We have our pills  organized by morning, noon and night.  
We spend our first hour taking the morning pills.  We spend the next half hour trying to keep them down.  Those fish oil burps are wicked.  I am sure glad we got the burp-less ones.  Same routine at noon and night.
This morning I had an eppiffery which is very much like an epiphany only much less insightful.
This Oz thing is a little weird.  
Monday he says 6 cups of coffee in the morning is good for you. So Monday I drank six cups of coffee and walked around in a highly excited stupor which is a bit of an oxymoron but that is how I felt.
Tuesday he says coffee is really not that good for you.  So I threw all of our coffee away and again we both walked in a state of high agitation and low stupor, bumping into each other, and at the same time going through coffee withdrawal.  A tough day.
Wednesday he says coffee in moderation is good for you.  I don't have any coffee left in the house, and I am still going through coffee withdrawal.   I swore at my neighbors, threw rocks at their dogs,  put poop on their doorstep.(mine ...not the dogs!!)  I am having another tough day.
Thursday (Today)...
I am watching Doctor Oz show this morning. Constipated and cranky.  He has someone's gizzard on a table.  He is putting on some blue gloves on, he is squeezing the gizzard.  Something is oozing. Yuk!! I am glad I did not turn up the sound.
I just took my supplements for the day.  I followed his recommendations. It takes me about 20 minutes to take my pills.

My Omega 3,  Calcium, Quercetin, Cinnamon, garlic, Xalatan, Timalol, Lumigan, Simvastatin, hydrochlorothyazide, my memory medicine (I forgot what it's called) Tricor, Damnitol (an anti anger medication), Methimozale (Chantal just told me it is for Wilson's ears. TOO LATE! ).
I just took a blue pill,  I am not sure if it is Aleve or Viagra, I will find out soon.
Lint-begone (to prevent the accumulation of lint in my navel), Scrotumizer ( to keep that buffy shine on my scrotum: recommended by Doctor Oz!!...??) and Preparation H, some round pill to make me start pooping, a square pill to make me stop pooping. It had a letter E on it.  That may have been a scrabble tile.  
I am confused.

I think I am going to give up something.
I think it will be Doctor Oz.