Thursday, September 8, 2011

The Wizardry of Oz

I'm off to see the wizard.

Recently the little French Lady and I have become more health conscious.  In keeping with this theme I adjusted my 401K to reflect my expected living age to 110 years old.   Now I must do something in the health department to facilitate my expectations. 
My wife adjusted her 401K to the age of 101 so we could die at approximately the same day.
We both decided that Doctor Oz seems to have a lot of ideas on how to stay healthy. We started saving his TV show on our DVR.  This seemed like a really great plan.  I read a couple of his  "YOU" books and they seemed quite confusing so I assumed he knew what he was talking about.  
He is often quoted in Reader's Digest, The New York Times, Mad Magazine and the Daily Worker, so we had a sense that he had some credibility.
After two months of Doctor Oz,  I must confess that I feel the same as I did before I started watching his program and taking his advice.  
I do have a very healthy refrigerator heavily stocked with Shiritake noodles, baked kelp, cauliflower smoothies, a 5 gallon of some very virginal olive oil, 14 avocados, 50 pounds of walnuts, and a Swanson Fried Chicken TV dinner.  
We haven't eaten at home in 5 weeks.  I cannot even look into the refrigerator without gagging.
On top of our dining room table is our food supplements.   We have so many supplements on our table that we have to eat standing up.  We have our pills  organized by morning, noon and night.  
We spend our first hour taking the morning pills.  We spend the next half hour trying to keep them down.  Those fish oil burps are wicked.  I am sure glad we got the burp-less ones.  Same routine at noon and night.
This morning I had an eppiffery which is very much like an epiphany only much less insightful.
This Oz thing is a little weird.  
Monday he says 6 cups of coffee in the morning is good for you. So Monday I drank six cups of coffee and walked around in a highly excited stupor which is a bit of an oxymoron but that is how I felt.
Tuesday he says coffee is really not that good for you.  So I threw all of our coffee away and again we both walked in a state of high agitation and low stupor, bumping into each other, and at the same time going through coffee withdrawal.  A tough day.
Wednesday he says coffee in moderation is good for you.  I don't have any coffee left in the house, and I am still going through coffee withdrawal.   I swore at my neighbors, threw rocks at their dogs,  put poop on their doorstep.(mine ...not the dogs!!)  I am having another tough day.
Thursday (Today)...
I am watching Doctor Oz show this morning. Constipated and cranky.  He has someone's gizzard on a table.  He is putting on some blue gloves on, he is squeezing the gizzard.  Something is oozing. Yuk!! I am glad I did not turn up the sound.
I just took my supplements for the day.  I followed his recommendations. It takes me about 20 minutes to take my pills.

My Omega 3,  Calcium, Quercetin, Cinnamon, garlic, Xalatan, Timalol, Lumigan, Simvastatin, hydrochlorothyazide, my memory medicine (I forgot what it's called) Tricor, Damnitol (an anti anger medication), Methimozale (Chantal just told me it is for Wilson's ears. TOO LATE! ).
I just took a blue pill,  I am not sure if it is Aleve or Viagra, I will find out soon.
Lint-begone (to prevent the accumulation of lint in my navel), Scrotumizer ( to keep that buffy shine on my scrotum: recommended by Doctor Oz!!...??) and Preparation H, some round pill to make me start pooping, a square pill to make me stop pooping. It had a letter E on it.  That may have been a scrabble tile.  
I am confused.

I think I am going to give up something.
I think it will be Doctor Oz.


  1. I just gave up plans to live to 110. Much easier. I can eat whatever I want and not worry about exercise. And when I die, there will still be people around who will remember me.

    And when I come to your house, we'll go OUT for dinner, if you don't mind... Kelp? I think not!

    (good to see you back griping again)

  2. It's good to "see" you back. I was beginning to wonder if you were swept out to see with Irene or Lee. By the time you spend all that money on all those supplements, you'll need to up your life expectancy to 125 just to be able to pay for them!