Friday, July 9, 2010

English Things....

Headline: Queen is now a great grandmother.
Yikes!!!! Can someone pull the plug on that gene pool?
I am sure the family is gathered around little prince or princess and cooing and making funny faces at the kid. I am sure the kid is screaming because the people's faces are scaring him. He doesn't realize this is his destiny.
The Royal family is plain looking. The problem is the don't know it. They think they look great.
How else could you explain Prince Charles...the guy with the dumbo ears, dumping the gorgeous Princess Di? The explanation is: He thought she was funny looking. She doesn't
So he goes out and finds someone who looks like his mom or Aunt Maggie or Margaret Thatcher.
This mindset is similar to African tribes who put hockey pucks in their upper lips or ear lobes, necklaces that stretch the neck...or like Chinese women who had their feet bound. In upper class England ugly is considered beautiful.
I have concluded that the house of Windsor has done more to advance Darwin's theories than any bit of research or genetic theory ever put forth. It appears that the royal family has encouraged this form of "natural selection".

I think it all started when Charles Darwin went to Sweden and then Spain. He saw the royal families of both countries. He came back and did a paper and told other scientist, " Hey, the Queen of Sweden is a hot chick and those Spanish Princesses and Queen are gorgeous babes."
His colleagues jump up and hollered, " heresy...infidel..fool."
He showed pictures. His colleagues said, " You lie!!!!...photoshop...those are common people." His theories are not accepted by the royal family of English....TO THIS VERY DAY!!!!

While I am on the subject of English food....haggis?....blood pudding?...Kidney pie?...tripe?...curried goat brain?
Most countries eat stuff like pork lions, steak, chicken. not the English. They will wait outside of a slaughterhouse for hummingbird gizzards, skunk lungs, beaver intestines, or some other British delicacy. It will be served with an ugly veggie like deep fried turnip or baked brussel sprouts. Did I mention the piss warm ale?

I am sure there arm some tasty foods in England with the infusion of immigrants into the country. Something like linguine with a hummingbird gizzard sauce with a touch of rosemary. It is slowly moving in the right direction.

I cringe when I think about the American revolution. What if we had lost?
Joan Rivers, Rosie O'Donnell and Tory Spelling would be the ideal looking babe.
Spaghetti, pizza, and peanut butter sandwiches would be eaten in secret. Lawyers would wear wigs (that's not a bad idea). Everybody would be forced to move to Seattle so we could experience English like weather. Beauty schools and barbers would go out of business. You would have to go to Mexico to see a Dentist. Amy Winehouse posters would be everywhere. Big ears would be very fashionable.

I think the royal family should wear Burkas. The men should grow facial hair. Yes, they all should become Muslims.

Wow, I am sure glad we won, and none too soon I might add.
Don't get me started on the dogs of England.

Thursday, July 8, 2010

We are not morning people.

Misadventures without Caffeine

My wife and I are not morning people. We will go to great length to avoid anything or anyone until we have two cups of strong coffee slapping our nervous system.
People who have been to our home before coffee refer to us as "the zombies" and have referred to our home as the "Tomb of the living dead."

I inherited my malmorningness from my mother. When I was growing up my mother and I would fight over the morning paper. It was more glaring, grunting and scowling, not really fighting. There was no meaningful conversation except for the word "Done?"
This was our whole conversation. She was basically saying, " You better be done with that paper or I will grab you, snake you across that table and pry that newspaper out of your dirty little fingers." We would exchange sections of the news.
She was actually a darn good mother as long as she had her newspaper, coffee and no conversation until the coffee kicked in.

My wife understands this concept. She is very similar, but I am several levels higher in the malmorningness. In fact I have done some strange things before the coffee kicks in.
I have told my neighbor Scott to get off my lawn in my most intimidating Clint Eastwood voice. I don't have a lawn.
I have chased someone who had a "Jesus" license plate all the way to Wilmington, NC. It wasn't the second coming. False alarm!
I had my foot run over by a celebrity in 1970. I went to one of his concerts in 2006 and mentioned it to him. He said, "That was you?"....He remembered me...after 36 years.

I have accused Andy Rooney of being too frivolous, lighthearted, and happy.
I have accidentally stuffed chicken gizzards up my butt. I thought my insides were falling out. The fact is my wife tossed the chicken innards in the toilet after she cleaned up the chicken. Who knew?
My wife put a mirror under my nose once. she wanted to see if I was still breathing. I was asleep.
I once told a Jehovah's witness to go away because I was busy sacrificing a virgin.
I threaten to move to Ecuador because I thought it would be warm and I have relatives there. I haven't seen the relatives in 51 years.
I told people a squirrelly person is a creative person. If you don't think squirrels are creative buy a squirrel free bird feeder.

One of our squirrellier morning incident happen a few weeks ago.
My wife and I had to be at a store early one morning. We thought it would be a good idea to have breakfast out. (before coffee!!!!)
Danger!!!Danger...Will Robinson...Danger!!!!

Everything went well during the meal. My wife said she was going to the bathroom. I paid the check. I thought I had better go to the men's room.
I proceeded to the men's room. I went to the urinal closest to the stalls. I proceeded to go about my business. I looked right to the foot in the stall.

My thought Process:Wow! a lot of people are wearing "Dawgs". I have a pair just like that and so does my wife. Pink dawgs? In the Men's room?...wait a minute!!!!! Am I in the men's room? (bear in mind that I am standing at a urinal.)...Oh yeah..umm...I am in the men's room.
Oh my god!!...Yup....It's her.

The sound of a toilet flushing and the door unlocking. She washes her hands. My wife walks out and glances my way and smiles and then says, "Oh my god" and she hurries out of the bathroom. A man came in and mumbled something,
I heard her say something on the other side of the door. I finish my transaction at the urinal, washed my hands and left.

Wife's thought process: "messy ladies room!!!!! smelly!!!!....(exiting)Hmmm! That guy has a nice butt!!!(me!!!)...just the kind I like ....guy?.....ladies room?....urinals...husband?!!!!

I asked later what she said to the man on the other side of the door. Her reply was, "I had to think quickly so I said, "State Health Inspector!!!....What a mess that toilet is."

We burst out laughing every time we drive by Denny's. I have a nice butt, I might add.
The coffee kicked in a little late but it was worth it.

Tuesday, July 6, 2010

Truth embellishment tips for senior citizens

Welcome Senior citizens and other pathological liars.

It has been my experience through the years that if a person works diligently at it they can become a very accomplished truth embellisher. This is not to be confused with a truth varnisher. The difference seems obvious but I will define the difference.
A truth embellisher will either tell an humongous lie or expand the truth to the point where the truth is obscure.
A truth varnisher just lies, then lies again to make his previously lie more acceptable or believable. They are liars.

A perfect example of truth varnishing: During Obama's state of the Union speech, a colleague asked Rep. Joe Wilson of South Carolina, when he was going to take his vacation. He hollered to his friend, " July".
Well, somehow that got interpreted as, "you lie". The rest is history. The democrats just tried to make Joe look bad. They varnished the truth.

You can also lie with statistic or at least varnish or embellish the truth. It is a known fact that 41.85% of statistics are made up on the spot.

  • When caught in a lie or an embellishment feign stupidity. This is not a big leap for me.

  • another good technique is to bluster profusely. If someone says the world is round tell them that is impossible. Have them show proof....immediately. How many people carry proof that the world is round. Wave your arms and yell "I told ya. No proof, huh?"

  • If you are a senior citizen this gives you a free pass to say almost anything. When caught in your web of lies always feign confusion. You can walk in a circle counting your fingers. If this is not working take of your shoes and mutter, "This little piggy went to market."

  • It always great fun to start a new urban legend. Did I tell you that I went to Burger Queen and I ordered a hot dog and a coke. There was a human penis in my roll and a dead rat floating in my Coke. My wife says the rat was doing the back stroke. Don't go to Burger Queen. They burnt my roll and they put onions on my pe....umm...hotdog and I didn't order onions.

  • Another free pass to truth embellishment is to become a politician. This give you the right to say anything you feel like saying with the added bonus of doing whatever you feel like doing. This privilege is also reserved for professional athletes and bratty actresses.

  • Another fun thing to do is tell total stranger outrageous things. I was walking on the beach one day and someone pointed to a jellyfish and asked what it was. I told them it was whale snot. It is also fun to give bad directions, advise on bad hotels, bad places to eat.

  • Never overplay your embellishment. I told someone at work I was resigning from my position. My coworkers gave me a wonderful going away party. They took me to a great eatery, then to a fancy bar where I drank all evening and opened up "going away presents" and cards with money. I had the designated driver bring me to a strip club and then brought me home. I don't remember much about the last part with the lap dance and all but they told me I had a wonderful time. The thing is: I did not resign my job. So I made up a story quickly that I was "begged" to stay on. I was essential to the smooth operation of the company. I even mention something about a "raise". My coworkers eventually found out. Some of them didn't talk to me for a year and demanded their money and presents back.
Well, this should get you on the road to success at truth embellishment. For further information read my forthcoming book, "Whale Snot and other Urban Legends".
Catchy title, Huh?