Thursday, July 8, 2010

We are not morning people.

Misadventures without Caffeine

My wife and I are not morning people. We will go to great length to avoid anything or anyone until we have two cups of strong coffee slapping our nervous system.
People who have been to our home before coffee refer to us as "the zombies" and have referred to our home as the "Tomb of the living dead."

I inherited my malmorningness from my mother. When I was growing up my mother and I would fight over the morning paper. It was more glaring, grunting and scowling, not really fighting. There was no meaningful conversation except for the word "Done?"
This was our whole conversation. She was basically saying, " You better be done with that paper or I will grab you, snake you across that table and pry that newspaper out of your dirty little fingers." We would exchange sections of the news.
She was actually a darn good mother as long as she had her newspaper, coffee and no conversation until the coffee kicked in.

My wife understands this concept. She is very similar, but I am several levels higher in the malmorningness. In fact I have done some strange things before the coffee kicks in.
I have told my neighbor Scott to get off my lawn in my most intimidating Clint Eastwood voice. I don't have a lawn.
I have chased someone who had a "Jesus" license plate all the way to Wilmington, NC. It wasn't the second coming. False alarm!
I had my foot run over by a celebrity in 1970. I went to one of his concerts in 2006 and mentioned it to him. He said, "That was you?"....He remembered me...after 36 years.

I have accused Andy Rooney of being too frivolous, lighthearted, and happy.
I have accidentally stuffed chicken gizzards up my butt. I thought my insides were falling out. The fact is my wife tossed the chicken innards in the toilet after she cleaned up the chicken. Who knew?
My wife put a mirror under my nose once. she wanted to see if I was still breathing. I was asleep.
I once told a Jehovah's witness to go away because I was busy sacrificing a virgin.
I threaten to move to Ecuador because I thought it would be warm and I have relatives there. I haven't seen the relatives in 51 years.
I told people a squirrelly person is a creative person. If you don't think squirrels are creative buy a squirrel free bird feeder.

One of our squirrellier morning incident happen a few weeks ago.
My wife and I had to be at a store early one morning. We thought it would be a good idea to have breakfast out. (before coffee!!!!)
Danger!!!Danger...Will Robinson...Danger!!!!

Everything went well during the meal. My wife said she was going to the bathroom. I paid the check. I thought I had better go to the men's room.
I proceeded to the men's room. I went to the urinal closest to the stalls. I proceeded to go about my business. I looked right to the foot in the stall.

My thought Process:Wow! a lot of people are wearing "Dawgs". I have a pair just like that and so does my wife. Pink dawgs? In the Men's room?...wait a minute!!!!! Am I in the men's room? (bear in mind that I am standing at a urinal.)...Oh yeah..umm...I am in the men's room.
Oh my god!!...Yup....It's her.

The sound of a toilet flushing and the door unlocking. She washes her hands. My wife walks out and glances my way and smiles and then says, "Oh my god" and she hurries out of the bathroom. A man came in and mumbled something,
I heard her say something on the other side of the door. I finish my transaction at the urinal, washed my hands and left.

Wife's thought process: "messy ladies room!!!!! smelly!!!!....(exiting)Hmmm! That guy has a nice butt!!!(me!!!)...just the kind I like ....guy?.....ladies room?....urinals...husband?!!!!

I asked later what she said to the man on the other side of the door. Her reply was, "I had to think quickly so I said, "State Health Inspector!!!....What a mess that toilet is."

We burst out laughing every time we drive by Denny's. I have a nice butt, I might add.
The coffee kicked in a little late but it was worth it.


  1. I read this while I was sitting at the DMV waiting to get my replacement driver's license. I burst into laughter! LOL! I am not a morning talker, I need at least a full hour of silence to be anywhere near social. People mistake this for me being pissed off, I'm not, I just need the quiet.

    As for the your poor wife in the mens room, lol, I've done that and my (at the time) 4 yr old sidekick was absolutely mortified when I walked into the mens room my accident. Then she thought it was necessary to to announce it to the entire restaurant that her mom walked into the mens room. Ugh.

  2. As someone who can function with or without coffee, it's hard to understand people who must have it before they can function--but obviously y'all exist!

  3. I know right where you're at. I'm one of those people that get up two hours before work just so I can function and operate the cash.

  4. I laughed out loud at the Denny's men's room story :) Maybe I shouldn't have, because I am not a morning person either, and something like that clearly could happen to me as well!

    :: mingle ::

  5. I recently gave up coffee. It was a bad decision. I, too, have malmorningness. It's good to know I'm not alone.