Tuesday, July 6, 2010

Truth embellishment tips for senior citizens

Welcome Senior citizens and other pathological liars.

It has been my experience through the years that if a person works diligently at it they can become a very accomplished truth embellisher. This is not to be confused with a truth varnisher. The difference seems obvious but I will define the difference.
A truth embellisher will either tell an humongous lie or expand the truth to the point where the truth is obscure.
A truth varnisher just lies, then lies again to make his previously lie more acceptable or believable. They are liars.

A perfect example of truth varnishing: During Obama's state of the Union speech, a colleague asked Rep. Joe Wilson of South Carolina, when he was going to take his vacation. He hollered to his friend, " July".
Well, somehow that got interpreted as, "you lie". The rest is history. The democrats just tried to make Joe look bad. They varnished the truth.

You can also lie with statistic or at least varnish or embellish the truth. It is a known fact that 41.85% of statistics are made up on the spot.

  • When caught in a lie or an embellishment feign stupidity. This is not a big leap for me.

  • another good technique is to bluster profusely. If someone says the world is round tell them that is impossible. Have them show proof....immediately. How many people carry proof that the world is round. Wave your arms and yell "I told ya. No proof, huh?"

  • If you are a senior citizen this gives you a free pass to say almost anything. When caught in your web of lies always feign confusion. You can walk in a circle counting your fingers. If this is not working take of your shoes and mutter, "This little piggy went to market."

  • It always great fun to start a new urban legend. Did I tell you that I went to Burger Queen and I ordered a hot dog and a coke. There was a human penis in my roll and a dead rat floating in my Coke. My wife says the rat was doing the back stroke. Don't go to Burger Queen. They burnt my roll and they put onions on my pe....umm...hotdog and I didn't order onions.

  • Another free pass to truth embellishment is to become a politician. This give you the right to say anything you feel like saying with the added bonus of doing whatever you feel like doing. This privilege is also reserved for professional athletes and bratty actresses.

  • Another fun thing to do is tell total stranger outrageous things. I was walking on the beach one day and someone pointed to a jellyfish and asked what it was. I told them it was whale snot. It is also fun to give bad directions, advise on bad hotels, bad places to eat.

  • Never overplay your embellishment. I told someone at work I was resigning from my position. My coworkers gave me a wonderful going away party. They took me to a great eatery, then to a fancy bar where I drank all evening and opened up "going away presents" and cards with money. I had the designated driver bring me to a strip club and then brought me home. I don't remember much about the last part with the lap dance and all but they told me I had a wonderful time. The thing is: I did not resign my job. So I made up a story quickly that I was "begged" to stay on. I was essential to the smooth operation of the company. I even mention something about a "raise". My coworkers eventually found out. Some of them didn't talk to me for a year and demanded their money and presents back.
Well, this should get you on the road to success at truth embellishment. For further information read my forthcoming book, "Whale Snot and other Urban Legends".
Catchy title, Huh?


  1. The thing is, I'm kind of inclined to believe the Burger King story!

  2. *Mingle*
    Sometimes, when I travel somewhere else, I pretend I am from another country. ;)

  3. My grandfather always got away with saying the most ridiculous things because "he's old."


  4. Gotta love the urban legend starting strategy!

    :: mingling ::

  5. So is that retirement story an urban legend you've just invented? Now we know we should never believe you. Ever.