Thursday, June 24, 2010

The senior citizenship test

How to be cruel to old guys. (Above)

Recently my wife became a U.S. citizen. This requires a test and a hefty application fee.
After much though, I see this as an opportunity for the federal government to refill the Federal coffers.

Yes, It is time to make anyone over the age of 50 and 70 to take the "Senior Citizenship Test".
This will refill the government coffers and will keep out the riffraff from senior citizen events. They will be unable to be harassed by AARP like the rest of us. They will not be able to get the Dunkin Donuts 10% discount.
YOU WILL NOT BE ASKED TO SHOW ID AT DUNKIN DONUTS LIKE I WAS. (Wow!...I am trying to get over that one.....move on....move on.)"bastardos!!!"

It is my belief that it is far too easy to become a senior citizen, especially the first part.
The last part is a bit tougher. If you make it to 70 you are exempt.
The disenfranchised people between the age of 50 and 70 who cannot past the test we will call junior seniors. "jusers?"
The folks that come up with names like "birthers" will like "Jusers".

I can't wait for it to come out in the Urban Dictionary.
Juser: An American citizen who could not pass the Senior Citizenship test. It is short for junior senior.

There are certain things a senior MUST know.
Here are a few sample questions for the senior citizenship test.

  1. You visit a mall. What is the first place you go? correct answer is: the restrooms.
  2. You go to the doctor. What is the first thing you ask the nurse?: Where's the bathroom? Do you want me to pee in a bottle while I'm there?
  3. You are invited to the neighbors party. What is required of the neighbor? sufficient amounts of toilet paper is the correct answer.
  4. You move into a senior community. What is the first thing you ask your new neighbor? Can I borrow some denture cream is an acceptable answer? Can I borrow half a Viagra is not.
  5. You are going out for the evening. Which would be a social blunder? A: saying the soup tasted like kaka B: wearing underwear on the outside C: peeing your pants D: Using the ladies room E: none of these. The correct answer is E. All of these are acceptable for a senior citizen.
  6. You get your morning paper. What do you read first? Only correct answer is obituaries.
  7. fill in the blank. Your____ weighs more than ____ pounds. correct answer is: A:cat or Chihuahua B: 35.
  8. You have dreams about: A: sex B: Wild parties C: prunes. Prunes is the correct answer.
  9. It's growing fast!!! What is it? A: your debt B: Your herb garden C: Your ear and nose hair. C again is the correct answer.
  10. I buy it by the case. It is cool and soothing. What is it? The correct answer is preparation H.
Well, this will give you an idea how the questions will be directed.
Good luck.


  1. That's awesome! How much are you suggesting they should be charging to take this test?

  2. Hilarious! Another great post, Jon!


  3. You always make me laugh. And congrats to the Little French Lady. THAT test is not easy.

  4. I love it! The eye chart is great. ::snickers:: I can just imagine my older brother leaning forward and squinting at the optometrist's office.


  5. If you fail the test, do you get to be young forever?