Wednesday, February 24, 2010

Social blundering and other government doubletalk

Squirrelly: relating to or resembling a squirrel. restless, nervous, or unpredictable. eccentric or insane. That's me!

Hmm! Perhaps It was not a good idea to let the woman from the state humane society read my blog.She said my blog was demeaning to squirrels. What about me? Is there no end to political correctness? Answer: NO! political correctness and government double talk is here to stay.
When I was growing up my school team was called "The Red Flame" opposed to blue flames or whatever. Today that team name would have to change it's name. It would be demeaning to the fire department. (another quasi-governmental agency). I know of a team called the Crusaders that was forced to change the name of their school team because it offended the sensibilities of the Muslim in the county. (both of them). Another team had to change the name from the "Redskins" to the Red Chickens or something. The name "Redskins" could be a little dicey. I personally thought it in terms of being warriors, but the three Indians in town were offended by "Redskins". So after 65 years of politically incorrectness,The name was changed. In view of this I suggest that all schools should be named after inanimate objects or fantasy creatures. I suggest dinosaurs, Rock Fiddlers, Griffins, or Porkchoppers. These seem fairly neutral.
It doesn't end there. The government has been confusing me for many years. Last summer I thought I would take up the sport of "waterboarding". I found out it wasn't a sport, it was a CIA torture technique.Some of the words are very confusing. My neighbor, the bureaucrat, said to me one day, "I believe my spouse has incurred collateral damage through negligent friendly fire and now I am up the proverbial estuary with insufficient means of propulsion." What???.....??"I just shot my wife and now I am up a creek without a paddle."He is currently incarcerated at the penitentiary. The big house. Up the River.I have collected a few examples of government speak.

1. Evidence Base - research shows
2. Functionality - use
3. Funding Streams - money
4. Iteration - version
5. Procure - buy
6. Rationalisation - cut
7. Robust - tough
8. Slippage - delay
9. Social Exclusion - poverty
10. Worklessness - unemployed

It appears everyone wants to get in on the action. Here are a few more goodies.
A criminal is now someone who is behaviorally challenged.
Failure is now deferred success.
Garbage man is now a Sanitation Engineer
Girl friend/Wife is an unpaid sex worker.
Illegal alien is an undocumented immigrant.
Psycho is now pathologically high spirited.
White trash is losers of European descent.
Intelligent Design means Darwin is full of....bodily waste.
Transfer tubes are body bags.
Pre-owned vehicle for a used car.

More Doublespeak

Affirmative Action / Racial Discrimination - Both mean "preferential treatment for a particular race". However, the first is mandated by law and the second in illegal.

Educated / Brainwashed - US children are "Educated" about the evils of drugs, pollution, and race relations ... Soviet children were "Brainwashed" in Soviet doctrine.

Realistic / Stereotypical - If a person believes that it is a bad idea to walk though the ghetto at night, they are simply being realistic. However, if they take the next step and say that the reason it's such a bad idea is because of the people that live in that neighborhood, they are accused of stereotyping.

Shell Shock / Combat Fatigue / Operational Exhaustion / Post-traumatic stress disorder - The comedian George Carlin once pointed out how the way we describe this condition has changed over the years. He pointed out how the wording has changed to completely remove any connection with the horrors of war from the name of the condition, even though it is the horrors of war which is the direct cause of the condition.

Self-confident / Arrogant - Liberals are self-confident... because they are dedicated to their beliefs. But, conservatives are arrogant because they are dedicated to their beliefs.

On the TV
My wife and I often watch People's Court and Judge Judy. Very often the defendants try doubletalk to minimize what they have done. Incarcerated seems to be a very popular word. They will try convolution to confuse the judge. It doesn't work. I used to hate to watch Judge Judy. I thought she was very coarse and nasty. Well, she is, but she usually gets to the truth pretty fast. I now enjoy watching the people squirm when they try to doubletalk mystify, baffle, and confuse Judge Judy. It usually backfires when the try to varnish, rearrange or embellish what actually happened. They usually end up confuzzled. (my wife's favorite word.)
So....I will now go to the rest room, powder room, rest area, toilet, bathroom, head, peepee parlor, can, comfort station, loo, john, potty, downloading (for computer geeks) visit the throne room where I will commence to.....ummm...oops!..never mind....too late!!!!

Baby boomer's memory handbook (1950's Ed.)

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times. Really????

1950 -1960:Actually things were almost idyllic. The worst of times? Hardly.
Life before television was almost barbaric. We had to find ways to amuse ourselves. Things were different. There are things that a baby boomer will remember. There are events you try forget.
This was the era of Polio, the iron lung, McCarthyism, the cold war, the threat of nuclear war. A great thing was happening at the end of WWII (1945). President Truman proposed a health care plan for all Americans. As of this year (2010) things seem to be moving along quite nicely.

McCarthyism: Joe had a good idea. Who liked commies in the 50's?Nobody. Let's expose them. OK!!! I like this plan. Hey, Joe is doing a great job.
A month later I see my name published in the paper. I have been reported to be a communist. HUH???!!!
You go before McCarthy committee two weeks later and state, "I am not a communist."
Joe: Did you or did you not have the "The Daily Laborer", a commie front newspaper in your house?
Me:No. Joe: I have a signed affidavit by your garbage man that you had a copy of this paper in your garbage. I have the paper here. It smells communistic.
Me: Sir, I think that is the smell of cat urine. My dad gets these papers at work. I line my litterbox with it."
Joe: "Hah!! So he works for a communist front organization. Who does he work for?"
Me: "He works for you, sir."
That is how it was. A good idea goes bad.

Forgotten cars of the 50's: I saw a Hudson Terraplane once. My uncle had a 1955 Hudson Hornet. It was a good car. He may still be driving it. He is in his 90's now.
A strange looking car. It right up there with the Henry J. I had an uncle who owned a Henry J. He was still driving it in the early 80's. It was a bit quirky at that point. The Edsel? That seemed like a nifty car to me. We are speaking of a time when Ford made a hardtop convertible (it disappeared into the trunk) and Chrysler had push button shifting on the steering wheel. The spare tire was real. You could recognize a car type from a half mile away. This is the era of the legendary 1957 Chevy. You can go to a place that sells model cars and you will find the 57 Chevy on the shelf. I don't think you will find a 1992 Toyota or 1998 Ford Taurus.

Fashion of the 50's: I began my adolescence at a strange fashion time.
Shoes: White bucks and penny loafers were my fashion choices. It was white bucks if you were going for the Pat Boone look. It was boots if you were going for the James Dean look. The James Dean look was Levi's, white T-shirt with a pack of Camels rolled up in the sleeve. I often dreamed that Pat Boone and James Dean would meet up on some street and start fighting. Pat would be getting pounded badly. Bloody nose, black eye, sore ribs. James would grab onto Pat's shirt and rip it. That is when Pat would go ballistic and start beating the crap of James. Pat would be pounding James' head on the pavement.....and Elvis Presley would rush in from somewhere and save James Dean from imminent death at the hands of Pat Boone. Elvis would snarl at Pat, " Look at the blood from his head on the sidewalk." Pat would answer, "That is Wildroot Cream Oil Hair Tonic, You Cretin." A befuddled Elvis would answer, " Don't ever step on my Blue Suede shoes."
Maybe this happen. Did I dream this? Well, was important.

Dressing for a date: My first two dates were disasters. I did not dress correctly for my first date. I had an identity crisis which is very common among teenagers then and today. My Mother made me wear heavy galoshes over my shoes, blue corduroy pants,
A white t-shirt with a box of candy cigarettes rolled up in the sleeve, (I wasn't allowed to smoke.) a headful of Wildroot cream oil, a coonskin cap, (Davey Crocket was very popular at the time, hence, I thought, fashionable.) and of course an umbrella.

The girl was dressed weird. She had layers of petticoats under hooped poodle skirt. I am sure she was wearing a diaper under all this. There is NO WAY she could get all that stuff off in time to poop. I know, I tried to penetrate the fortress to no avail. another thing that doomed the date. I could not penetrate the hair spray on her head with my hand. She was impenetrable everywhere. she wasn't too keen about my hair either.
she told me not to put my head on anything. she also asked me if I wanted to wrap my head in a towel. I guess we were not made for each other.

My second date did not go any better. My friends set me up with a blind date. She wasn't blind. She was in an iron lung. I did not know that until I arrived at her house.
I couldn't figure how I was going to get it in the car. My dad was waiting out in the car. He was going to drive us to the movies. I suppose I could have gotten my uncle Pete's truck and taken her to the drive in theater but that didn't seem practical since I couldn't drive. So I just stayed at her house and we played records. I asked her once if she wanted to dance. She rolled her eyes, but then smiled. She laughed at my faux pas.
It wasn't such a bad date. She recovered enough in time so she would not be in an iron lung all her life. She actually had a fairly normal life.

To give you an idea how carefree and happy we were in those days, we had a little song we sang.
"Hit the dirt, Join the crowd,
Mama, look at mushroom cloud.
looka you daddy, He Know!
Mushroom cloud made him ugly so."

This was a Calypso song. It could have been sung by Harry Belafonte.

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

The end is near, People!

It isn't even December 2012

It finally happen. I have spent to much time on my computer. A sign came up on my computer. It said: Congratulations, You have reached the end of the internet. There is nothing left to google. WOW! This day came sooner than I expected. I have no idea what to do now. My wife has become jealous of my Macbook.
I spend more time with Macbook and google than I do with her. I leave my Macbook by my bed. Last night in bed my wife asked me, " What time is it?" I got up and googled it. I didn't have to google it. The time is up in the right corner next to spotlight. We also have 2 clocks in the bedroom. I was sleepy.
This morning I got up and told my wife what had happen. " I went to the end of the internet. My life is over. I have lived a good life. There is nothing...nothing left. I am not young anymore. put me in a home. It's over." My wife just said, "Okay." a little too quickly and happily to that suggestion.

As the day went on my wife soften her stance on putting me into a "home". She thought I needed some psychological help. She recommended I write to "Doctor Phil".
"Write?" I queried.
"Yeah!, You know, It's like e-mail but you use paper. You put the paper in an envelope, put a stamp and an address on it and walk it down to the mailbox."
"What good is it to put a blank piece of paper in an envelope?" I ask her.
"You're suppose to write your problem on the paper, you moron."
"Oh!...Oh!....Hey, This isn't my first rodeo, you Know. Did you know that a pancake has two sides? Three if you count the edge." I barraged her with Dr. philisms.
I threw in "No dog ever peed on a moving car."
It was clear that I had her mystified, dazzled, and confused. Hah! finally.

This afternoon I started thinking. It is a practice I try to do daily but I have fallen behind and I am down to doing it once a week. After all, I am a problem solver.
I figured there is a back button for the internet. I believe it is that button that looks like a triangle lying on its side and pointing left. I have never used it. But first I googled, What to do when you get to the end of the internet.
It gave me numerous solutions.
  • Life is over as you know it. Have your wife send you to a home. (I Knew it!!!!)
  • Have you learned everything you read on the internet. (Of course!!!)
  • Learn how to verbally communicate with others using verbal skills rather than using a chat room, email or instant messaging. You might want to start by picking up the phone, dialing a wrong number and saying "I'm sorry!" Try short, choppy sentences at first then work you way up to big complex sentences. (I did that today.)
  • Get up off your chair and try walking, take short steps at first then gradually increase the distance until you can no longer see your computer. For Heavens sake, give your hemorrhoids a break! If you have a problem leaving your computer for any length of time, seek the services of a trained professional for counseling. (I could bring a picture of my computer.)
  • Read a book: Do you remember books? They still publish them. They have words in them. You could start with Donald Duck Comics. I don't like Donald Duck, Porky Pig, Daffy Duck, and Elmer Fudd in TV cartoons. They each have one thing in common. A speech impediment. I like them in comic books. It is a good place to start, people. (I could do this.)
  • Get reaquainted with your significant other if you can find her. He/she may have left some time ago and you haven't noticed. You may have to hire a private investigator to find him/her. (duh!)
  • Perhaps this will give me the time to discover one of the great mysteries of life. Yes, why are so many people totally incapable of pronouncing a three letter word. The word is "Ask." I hear that word pronounced "aks." What is that all about? It is not about education, race, or culture. It transcends all these. What is it? If I can figure this out I will move onto the meaning of life. Just Ask.