Wednesday, February 17, 2010

The end is near, People!

It isn't even December 2012

It finally happen. I have spent to much time on my computer. A sign came up on my computer. It said: Congratulations, You have reached the end of the internet. There is nothing left to google. WOW! This day came sooner than I expected. I have no idea what to do now. My wife has become jealous of my Macbook.
I spend more time with Macbook and google than I do with her. I leave my Macbook by my bed. Last night in bed my wife asked me, " What time is it?" I got up and googled it. I didn't have to google it. The time is up in the right corner next to spotlight. We also have 2 clocks in the bedroom. I was sleepy.
This morning I got up and told my wife what had happen. " I went to the end of the internet. My life is over. I have lived a good life. There is nothing...nothing left. I am not young anymore. put me in a home. It's over." My wife just said, "Okay." a little too quickly and happily to that suggestion.

As the day went on my wife soften her stance on putting me into a "home". She thought I needed some psychological help. She recommended I write to "Doctor Phil".
"Write?" I queried.
"Yeah!, You know, It's like e-mail but you use paper. You put the paper in an envelope, put a stamp and an address on it and walk it down to the mailbox."
"What good is it to put a blank piece of paper in an envelope?" I ask her.
"You're suppose to write your problem on the paper, you moron."
"Oh!...Oh!....Hey, This isn't my first rodeo, you Know. Did you know that a pancake has two sides? Three if you count the edge." I barraged her with Dr. philisms.
I threw in "No dog ever peed on a moving car."
It was clear that I had her mystified, dazzled, and confused. Hah! finally.

This afternoon I started thinking. It is a practice I try to do daily but I have fallen behind and I am down to doing it once a week. After all, I am a problem solver.
I figured there is a back button for the internet. I believe it is that button that looks like a triangle lying on its side and pointing left. I have never used it. But first I googled, What to do when you get to the end of the internet.
It gave me numerous solutions.
  • Life is over as you know it. Have your wife send you to a home. (I Knew it!!!!)
  • Have you learned everything you read on the internet. (Of course!!!)
  • Learn how to verbally communicate with others using verbal skills rather than using a chat room, email or instant messaging. You might want to start by picking up the phone, dialing a wrong number and saying "I'm sorry!" Try short, choppy sentences at first then work you way up to big complex sentences. (I did that today.)
  • Get up off your chair and try walking, take short steps at first then gradually increase the distance until you can no longer see your computer. For Heavens sake, give your hemorrhoids a break! If you have a problem leaving your computer for any length of time, seek the services of a trained professional for counseling. (I could bring a picture of my computer.)
  • Read a book: Do you remember books? They still publish them. They have words in them. You could start with Donald Duck Comics. I don't like Donald Duck, Porky Pig, Daffy Duck, and Elmer Fudd in TV cartoons. They each have one thing in common. A speech impediment. I like them in comic books. It is a good place to start, people. (I could do this.)
  • Get reaquainted with your significant other if you can find her. He/she may have left some time ago and you haven't noticed. You may have to hire a private investigator to find him/her. (duh!)
  • Perhaps this will give me the time to discover one of the great mysteries of life. Yes, why are so many people totally incapable of pronouncing a three letter word. The word is "Ask." I hear that word pronounced "aks." What is that all about? It is not about education, race, or culture. It transcends all these. What is it? If I can figure this out I will move onto the meaning of life. Just Ask.


  1. I'm with you on the "ask/aks" thing. I hope that you can use your post-Internet time to definitively answer that question once and for all. My own personal pet peeve is "asterisk" pronounced without the second "s" - but that comes up in conversation much less frequently than "ask"!

    :: Mingle On! ::

  2. If you've reached the end, then I think you officially have your PhD in google. Maybe now you can be Dr. Jon.

  3. If you figure out the "ask" question, maybe you can move on to "nuclear"