Wednesday, December 31, 2014

The unmaking of the bed.


I creep towards the stairs.   I lift my head and look towards the living room window.  Our cat Madison hasn't noticed me.  She is under the window.  Her tail is wagging with vigour as little clucking sounds emanate from her mouth.  The bird feeder must be very busy today.

I would love to toss that Mourning Dove to the ground.
I slowly get to my feet and quietly tiptoe up the carpeted stairs. As I reach the landing, one of the stairs makes a creaking sound.  I stop.  Beads of sweat appear on my forehead.  I do not move for two minutes.  Whew! That was close.  I continue my ascent till I reach step # 14. The top stair.  I did it.  I have never made it this far unnoticed.  I am giddy with success.

Wow! I could have been a CIA agent, an assassin, a burglar.  
A cat burglar, but who steals cats anymore?  I am good at this.  I could teach classes.  You just have to move slowly and not fall down too much.  The moving slowly part is easy for senior citizens.  The falling down thing, not so much.


Anyway….I continue to move slowly towards the bed which is only ten feet away.  I glance back as I reach the corner of the bed.  I move to the top of the bed and pull the sheets tight to get out any wrinkles. I must move quickly. I do both pillows. Perspiration drips down my nose and onto my wife's pillow case.  

Damn!  Oh well, the damage is done.  I take off the pillow case and wipe my brow.  I pull the blanket to the top of the bed.  I look back over my shoulder at the staircase.  This is where I see her lurking three stairs from the top.  Watching me.  Ready. 
She isn't there.  I exhale. I am drenched.
I quietly remove my t-shirt and wipe my clammy upper body with it.  I continue to straighten the bed. I move toward the comforter.  Her favorite part of the bed.  I look back at the stairs.  She really is hiding well, this time. 

Whew! It is really warm in here.  I think I will take off some of these clothes.  I remove my sweatpants. Oh..what to heck,  I will remove my smiley face boxer  briefs.  I will be doing laundry later.

I slowly put the comforter on the bottom of the bed. I start to unfold it.  I scan the room.  I look back at the staircase.  This is where she fly onto the bed like Superman.  She doesn't walk to the bed, she doesn't run to the bed.  She soars in from some mysterious place and lands on some critical fold of the comforter,  making it impossible to continue without some sort of feline/human combat.

I continue to pull the comforter to the top of the bed. Done.  The pillows next.  Done.  I exhale and then     I scream, "YES!!!!!….YES!!!!!"  My right arm is pumping furiously.
Location, location, location.


As it turns out,  my wife was entertaining our new friend, Janie.  I should say a former new friend.  When they heard me screaming, they ran up the stairs and were greeted by a sweaty, wild eyed naked man pumping his arm wildly.
Janie ran down the stairs and exited the house through the front door, and I mean THROUGH THE FRONT DOOR.  She didn't  even bother to open the door.  She went through the screen hollering, "He's crazy! He's crazy."  This would not be so alarming except for the fact that she is a psychiatric nurse.

This whole incident upset Madison so much that she vomited into the heat register in front of the living room window.

I realized later that I really enjoy her "helping" me make the bed and I would miss it if she didn't do it.  I went upstairs and messed up the bed, and called her.  She lurked on the third stair from the top.
All is well.  I missed this more than she did.

Tuesday, December 30, 2014

The Victim's Club

Victim 1

What have you women done?  This poor guy is going to have to sign up for unemployment or worse yet, welfare.  A life ruined.  His good name besmirched.

Victim 2

Hey! What about me?  I was besmirched also.  When I coached, I liked good clean play.  That is why I showered with my players…..and their children.  Cleanliness.   Well, at least I still get to shower with the guys.

Victim 3

Sure, sure!!!  I forgot where I put my kid for a month and everybody gets their panties in a big wedgie.
I told them I left her at Shelema Gomez's condo or was it Demi Gonzales' house.  Whatever!!!!!! At least some of the people think my Dad is a douchebag.  It took some of the pressure off me.

I probably won't get my job back at Universal.  I think I will apply for the job of Snow White at Disney World.  I do have great acting and storytelling skills on my resume.

victim 4

Yo! Casey!!!!…..Yo!…. Hey, I have experience finding bad people.  I can help you.  I will help you find Shaina Lopez.  Are there any par 72 golf courses where you live?
I sent you this picture of me trying on golf work gloves.  These seemed a tad loose so I soaked them for a while.
I am working out a sports memorabilia problem and as soon as it is solved, I will, of course,  link up with you.

I may rent a car.  Do they still make the VW Golf?
Now….if you will excuse me, I have to go wash my balls.

Thursday, December 25, 2014

Reading list 2014

My reading list

I have read some books this year.   I was reading when I should have been writing.

  • Private with James Patterson.  This one was free on my iPad.  I have mixed feelings about James   Patterson.  sometimes good, sometimes not so much.  This was not his best.
  • Wild- Cheryl Stayed.  Good book but I dislike anyone who burns books for any reason, Cheryl.
  • Paris Match- Stuart Woods.  Always a fun read.
  • Cut and Thrust-Stuart Woods.  See above
  • Carnal Curiosity-Stuart Woods.  another easy read.
  • Stand up guy-Stuart Woods-ditto
  • Doing hard time-Stuart Woods.  Stuart's books are like a soap opera.  I have read 50 of his books.
  • Field of Prey-John Sandford.  I like the way he writes.  Some of his characters end up in bad places. (stump shredder?) Gritty style but he knows how to keep you interested.  I have read 38 of his books but only two this year.
  • Deadline- John Sandford. another good one, John.
  • Unbroken-Laura Hillenbrand.  good memoir about a war hero.
  • Imperfect justice-Jeff Ashton. Casey Anthony walks, Jeff!!!
  • Death of Santini- Pat Conroy. Pat writes about depressing stuff with great style.
  • The Losing Season-Pat Conroy.  See above.
  • One summer (1927)-Bill Bryson.  A great book.
  • The power of Habit-Charles Duhigg.  Why you buy what you buy.
  • David and Goliath- Malcolm Gladwell.   Interesting book.
  • Outliers-Malcolm Gladwell.  another good one.
  • Think like a Freak-Steven Levitt.  by the author of Freakonomics.
  • Lone Survivor-Marcus Luttrell. Afghanistan with Navy Seals.
  • My mother was nuts- Penny Marshall.  Lavern's Bio.
  • No Easy Day-Mark Owens.  Gotcha Osama.
  • Killing Jesus-Bill Reilly. Politics, even then.
  • Killing Kennedy-Bill Reilly.  More politics.
  • Practice to Deceive-Ann Rule.  One of many Ann Rule books I have read.
  • Storm Front-John Sandford.  Almost forgot that one.
  • Mickey Spillane Trilogy, Mickey's first three books.  He would killed a lot less people if he had a cell phone. (3 books)
  • Balance-Bob Freeland.  Iraq bomb defusing.
  • Now you see her-James Patterson.  Finally a good read from Patterson.
  • 1776-David McCullough. Good history.
  • Tis-Frank McCourt. Frank is pretty witty guy. I didn't think I would like this book, but I do.
  • Mr. Monk and the blue flu. Lee Goldberg.  Trials and tribulation of a detective with OCD.
  • The Natural soap Book-Susan Miller Cavitch.  Learn how to make soap.
  • A stolen Life-Jaycee Dugard.  Kidnapped at eleven. Held prisoner for many years.
  • Without Pity-Ann Rule. She writes the best true crime books.
  • End of a Dream-Ann Rule.  See above.
  • Tipping point- Malcolm Gladwell
  • What the dog saw-Malcolm Gladwell
  • T is for Trespass-Sue Grafton.
  • On writing-William Zinsser
  • Blink-Malcolm Gladwell
  • Judgement Ridge-Mitchell Zuckoff. The Dartmouth Murders.
  • Lost in Shangri la-Mitchell zuckoff.  Lost in  rough terrain.
  • Think fast and slow-Daniel Kahnemen
  • One for the Money-Janet Evanovich.  First of the Plum Series.
I will try to write more in the next year if I don't get writer's block.

You must understand, writer's block is not a nebulous, abstract thing with me.
It is a furry 14 pound mass of feline attitude of "What!!!??

I feel like I have left out a few books.  That’s OK!

Madison has almost nothing of her own.  Oh, maybe a condo, a tent, a tube, Kitty TV (window looking out on the bird feeder) numerous feather toys, balls, her own personal chair on the balcony. 

She has more furniture than we do.   She only puts her claws into "her stuff".  

I am working on a few right now.  Gone Girl by Gillian Flynn, Uncaged by John Sandford.
Perhaps I will be able to find a book that will tell me how to get my life back from my cat.

Wednesday, December 24, 2014

Happy Holidays to everyone.

A happy face for the holidays. (Madison)

Note: Madison looks so much like Wilson.  (below)

Wilson was a quiet presence in our life for 16 years.  He never meowed.  He knew how.  He just didn't deem it necessary.  We miss you.

Madison meowed more in the first 10 minutes than wilson did in 16 years and she is still going strong.
She makes us laugh every day.  Just like Wilson.

Great companions.

Sunday, March 30, 2014

Sex, lies, no videotape meme

Useless information about me meme!

At the least, people with no social skills.

  1. Do you have an innie or an outie?  It's an outie,  I'm a guy!!!…Oh…Belly buttons? innie.
  2. Have you ever been in opposite sex's bathroom? Yes, and I had a wonderful time there. Don't ask, please.
  3. Can you make change for a dollar right now? I don't have any cash in my pockets but I can get to money in about 30 seconds.
  4. Are you superstitious? No, knock on wood.
  5. Have you ever written a book?  I've written lot of stuff, but unpublished.  I have been really close though.  "To Kill a Hummingbird" comes to mind.  And what about "Gone with the Tornado", so close.  I am having size difficulties in my writing.
  6. What's the scariest book you have ever read?  "The Teen's guide to hitchhiking cross country."  My mother gave me this book….wrapped in a road map, when I was 14 years old.
  7. What is the strangest date you ever had?  Hmmmm!  Good question.  I have had a few.  Perhaps it was the 6 ft. tall girl who kept pushing my face into her ample bosom on a regular basis at the company xmas party.  Or maybe it was the stalker.  She followed me to the men's room and later I climbed a pole to get away from her. Bad plan. No exit strategy.  This is only a sampling.
  8. What kind of music do you like to dance to?  Funeral music usually….What???
  9. Bath or shower?  Do I have to?
  10. Favorite book of all time.  James Michener's"Centennial", 2nd choice "Hawaii".  Epoch historical fiction.  Great stories.
  11. Is the glass half empty or is the glass half full?   I have to agree with George Carlin.  The glass is twice the size it should be.  Now put that question to sleep…please.
  12. Where did you grow up?  Well,  It was a slow process.  So it happened in many places.  I don't think I have reached my full growth yet.
  13. Do you have a donor card?  Yes, but only for my testicles.  I jumped the line at Walmart and the woman behind me said I had a lot of balls.  I told her I will donate them in her memory.  I feel obligated.
  14. What are you reading now?  This question.
  15. What's under your bed?   There's is something under my bed? Or somebody? Oh, I won't sleep tonight.
  16. What kind of music do you like?  Oldies from the 50's and 60's, Blues, Reggae, Mozart, Plato, Old Country and Western.
  17. What kind of music do you hate? Rap really jumps out at me.  Everybody over 8 years old wants to be a rap singer.  Aside: Every time I see Justin Beiber I feel a compelling urge to vomit.
  18. Some memories about your father? Aqua Velva, Vitalis, always being well dressed, his love of the Yankees, and Giants, his quiet manner and calmness.
  19. Some memories of your mother?  Her cooking ability which she taught my sister, but not me, her indomitable spirit in the face of cancer, her sense of humor. her feisty spirit.
  20. Some memories of best friends: Wayne was a great athlete. In baseball he was the catcher. To this day he is the best I have ever seen.   He was great at everything he did, except driving while drinking.  He was in an car accident shortly after graduation.  One boy was killed, 3 were injured.  The car disintegrated on impact with a pole. The car was held together with tape and baling wire.  The accident changed him forever.   He became an alcoholic.  He died  at age 62.  Andy was an intelligent, creative and funny guy.  He received the news that he had juvenile diabetes when he was a juvenile (17 years old).   He lived his life thereafter like there was no tomorrow.  At the age of 20 he told me he would not live to be 40.   He died in 1982.  He was 39 years old.  These were two great guys and two great friends.  I still miss them and think about them.  Life is fragile.
  21. Dog person or a cat person?  Cat person.  I had a dog once.  High maintenance. Smelly when wet, noisy communication skills, needy, usually licked his crotch or eating his own vomit. You had to buy his food by the truckload.  Cats are different.  When we adopted Wilson and Madison, they just strutted into the house and said, "Where my food dish, water and litter?  Call me at dinnertime.  I  will be taking a nap in your chair."  Easy.
    Wilson 1996-2012
    Madison 201?-20??

  22. Plato? Question 16. I was checking to see if you were paying attention.  I really meant Picasso.
  23. The sex question.  Male or female? Yes.
  24. Answer the question, Bucko. Where did it happen?The deed! Ok, Ok! Car, Ok? No? Ok! Two inebriated juveniles in the back.....actually it was the front seat of  a Plymouth.  It was a disaster for everyone involved.  Even the Plymouth was embarrassed.  Happy now?
  25. Last Question. Picasso? No, I actually like Kandinsky better.
Now I have told you things you really didn't need to know and most likely don't even care.

Wednesday, March 26, 2014

I miss 1957.

I am writing a new blog.   

I was reviewing my folders in Pages (Apple's version of Word) and TextEdit.  These folders caught my attention.  They are just as relevant now as they were in 2009, when I first saw them.

Enjoy them. 
One is about recycling, the other about common sense.  I am not sure who the authors were.  It was not me.

A Death. (Common Sense)
Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, “Common Sense,” who has been with us for many years.  No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape.  He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as:

- knowing when to come in out of the rain;
- the early bird gets the worm;
- life isn’t always fair; and
- maybe it was my fault.

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don’t spend more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in charge).

His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place.  Reports of a 6-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.

Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children.

It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer sun lotion or an aspirin to a student, but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion. 

Common Sense lost the will to live as the churches became businesses and criminals received better treatment than their victims.

Common Sense took a beating when you couldn’t defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.

Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot.  She spilled a little in her lap and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.

Common Sense was preceded in death, by his parents, “Truth” and “Trust,” by his wife, “Discretion,” by his daughter, “Responsibility,” and by his son, “Reason.”

He is survived by his 4 stepbrothers – “I Know My Rights,” “I Want It Now,” “Someone Else Is To Blame,” and “I’m A Victim.”

Not many attended his funeral, because so few realized he was gone.  If you still remember him, pass this on.  If not, join the majority and do nothing.

Yeah, we were environmental jerks.

Being Green
Checking out at the store, the young cashier suggested to the older woman, that she should bring her own grocery bags because plastic bags weren't good for the environment.
The woman apologized and explained, "We didn't have this green thing back in my earlier days."
The young clerk responded, "That's our problem today. Your generation did not care enough to save our environment f or future generations."
She was right -- our generation didn't have the green thing in its day.

Back then, we returned milk bottles, soda bottles and beer bottles to the store. The store sent them back to the plant to be washed and sterilized and refilled, so it could use the same bottles over and over. So they really were truely recycled.
But we didn't have the green thing back in our day.
Grocery stores bagged our groceries in brown paper bags, that we reused for numerous things. Most memorable besides household garbage bags, was the use of brown paper bags as book covers for our schoolbooks. This was to ensure that public property, (the books provided for our use by the school) was not defaced by our scribblings. Then we were able to personalize our books on the brown paper bags.
But too bad we didn't do the green thing back then.
We walked up stairs, because we didn't have an escalator in every store and office building. We walked to the grocery store and didn't climb into a 300-horsepower machine every time we had to go two blocks.
But she was right. We didn't have the green thing in our day.

Back then, we washed the baby's diapers because we didn't have the throwaway kind. We dried clothes on a line, not in an energy-gobbling machine burning up 220 volts -- wind and solar power really did dry our clothes back in our early days. Kids got hand-me-down clothes from their brothers or sisters, not always brand-new clothing.
But that young lady is right; we didn't have the green thing back in our day.

Back then, we had one TV, or radio, in the house -- not a TV in every room. And the TV had a small screen the size of a handkerchief (remember them?), not a screen the size of the state of Montana. In the kitchen, we blended and stirred by hand because we didn't have electric machines to do everything for us. When we packaged a fragile item to send in the mail, we used wadded up old newspapers to cushion it, not Styrofoam or plastic bubble wrap. Back then, we didn't fire up an engine and burn gasoline just to cut the lawn. We used a push mower that ran on human power. We exercised by working so we didn't need to go to a health club to run on treadmills that operate on electricity.
But she's right; we didn't have the green thing back then.
We drank from a fountain when we were thirsty instead of using a cup or a plastic bottle every time we had a drink of water. We refilled writing pens with ink instead of buying a new pen, and we replaced the razor blades in a razor instead of throwing away the whole razor just because the blade got dull.
But we didn't have the green thing back then.

Back then, people took the streetcar or a bus and kids rode their bikes to school or walked instead of turning their moms into a 24-hour taxi service. We had one electrical outlet in a room, not an entire bank of sockets to power a dozen appliances. And we didn't need a computerized gadget to receive a signal beamed from satellites 23,000 miles out in space in order to find the nearest burger joint.
But isn't it sad the current generation laments how wasteful we old folks were just because we didn't have the green thing back then?
Please forward this on to another selfish old person who needs a lesson in conservation from a smartass young person.
That sounds like me. The old part.

Monday, February 17, 2014

Meeting "Pegleg"

Yup, the guy in the song.

a freshly found geocache.

The little French lady(LFL) and I decided to do some geocaching yesterday.  The temperature was just right for it.  Not too hot, not too cold.  We had some errands to run in the south end of Myrtle Beach, so we thought we might as well find a few caches in the area.  

Our first stop was the Myrtle Beach flea market.  We dropped off a bunch of books at Dan's book booth and picked up a few new ones while we were there.  We have brought so many books there that we actually have a credit balance.  It works for Dan and it works for us.  

We checked one of our geocache, located at  the flea market.  The cache is called "One man's treasure", an appropriate name.  It was in excellent condition.  

Then we headed further south to Surfside Beach to find the caches we had noted on our index cards. We found four caches.  For one of them, I crawled under some boardwalk stairs for about fifteen minutes, looking for it.  I was to the point of exhaustion and I was almost wedged underneath when my wife, the above mentioned little French lady, hollered "I found it."  Not anywhere near me.

I told her to sign the log and call 911 to get me out of this spot.  I finally slithered out from the boardwalk.

The next cache we found, we met a nice French Canadian couple.  My wife and the couple chatted for twenty minutes.  I contributed to the conversation by saying all the French I could remember.  In this case it was "pate chinois" which is Shepherd's Pie.   I kept repeating that.  The husband kept calling me "Tony".  He thought all americans were called "Tony".

After that I needed a nap, so the little French lady drove me home.

This morning we had to go to the mall; since Chapin Park was on our route, we decided to find a new cache which had been placed there just a few hours earlier.

When we arrived at the spot of the cache there was a homeless man with an artificial leg standing very close to the spot where the cache should be. Uh..oh!  We will ignore him, if we can.

We ignored him but he didn't ignore us.  "Whatcha lookin for?" he asked.
"A geocache.", the LFL replied.  "What's that?"  We explained what geocaching was and he helped us look for the cache.  The LFL found it after a long search.  The homeless guy was happy for us.

We introduced ourselves to him.  He introduced himself as Mike, but told us everyone calls him "Pegleg Mike".
He had his leg blown off in Vietnam.  He lost two buddies and a leg that day.  He came home to Charlotte, North Carolina and a few years later his wife was killed in a car accident.  He became homeless shortly after that.

He told us he had a song written about him called "Pegleg Mike" by Owen Poteat.  I checked it out. It's true. I like the song.  We both enjoyed talking to "Pegleg" very much.  He is an interesting guy who had some unfortunate circumstances in his life.
guess which one is "Pegleg"?

We have met some interesting people on our little excursions.  If we had ignored Mike,  we would never have met such an interesting person.
He looks like Willie Nelson a bit.  His name is Michael Johnson.  We will be seeing him again, hopefully.

Tuesday, February 11, 2014

The dream

Or was it a nightmare?

It wasn't my usual dream.  The lost car thing. The dream I have mentioned to my sweetie many times.
The car dream: 
I park my little sports car on a street and I commence to doing some errands.  When it is time to leave, I can't find the car.  
I have been searching for the darn car since 1973.  
The recollection is now vague.  I don't even remember  where I parked it, or what kind of car it was, or what color?
I go to bed every night hoping I will find my missing vehicle.
I worry.
When I find it, will it have 41 years worth of parking tickets?  Will some towing company be preparing to tow it away?  Will the hub caps be missing?  Did it have hubcaps?
Perhaps I should put this whole episode behind me.  I have another dream that is taking up my sleep time.

The Dick Clark dream.

Weird….I have a dreaming session and I wake up from my dream into another dream.  I am standing beside Dick Clark.  He is young.  I am old. Dick turns to me and says, "Hold on a second, I have to introduce The Duprees."  They start singing "You belong to me".  I quickly realize that I am in the Philadelphia studio where American Bandstand was televised.
Justine and…..bob.

I see Bob Clayton and Justine Carelli dancing.  Damn!!! I wanted to dance with her.  Maybe Arlene Sullivan is available.  Nope, she is dancing with Kenny Rossi. Oh well!

After the song ends, Dick tells me I will be on the rate-a-record panel.  You can rate a record between
35 and 98. The premise for those numbers is nothing's perfect or totally bad.

The song selected for today was "That'll be the day" by a group called the Crickets.  Hmmm…catchy name!!!….a group named after a bug.  What will they think of next?  The Roaches, The Fireflies,  The Dungbeatles?
The song was easy to dance to and everyone seemed to enjoy it.  I rated it a 98.  I think it will be a hit. The lead singer is weird looking.  Big glasses but bigger talent.  I told everyone not to get to attached to the lead singer.  His career will be going upwards.  The sky is the limit with him.
Dick Clark and Bobby Rydell.  I think I see Justine.

The show ends and I invite Dick to Starbucks.
"Starbucks?" he queried.
"A coffee shop. You know, like Horner and Hardhats."
"Oh…You mean Horn and Hardarts"
"Yeah, that place. I still think Starbucks is a wonderful name for a coffee shop."
Dick interjects, " I always liked the name Subway for a coffee shop."  I had to admit it did have a nice sound to it.

We arrive at H&H.  We sip our coffees and talk about music.  I ask him if there is any chance of me dancing with Justine Corelli.  He says, "You told me 10 minutes ago that women laugh hysterically when you dance and besides you are over 70 years old!"
"Oh yeah, There's that…but…"
"Forget it, Hemlock….F..o..r..g..e..t….i..t!!!!
Dick put 30 cents on the table.  I was appalled.  I was thinking how cheap he was.
"Dick,  I can't pay for our coffee.  I'm still in my pajamas.  I didn't bring my wallet."
 Dick shook his head. "Man..Where have you been?  Coffee is only 10 cents a cup.  I left a generous tip."
We walked back to the studio parking lot.   As we arrived I spotted the car that I had misplaced in 1973.  Dick walked to it and got in and turned to me and said, "Do you need a lift anywhere?"
"That's my car.  I lost it in 1973."
Dick seemed confuzzled about the current kerfuffle.
"The year is 1959, Hemlock!!!"
"Huh????  I guess I need a ride to the future.  How far is the future?"
At the stroke of midnight, Dick smiles and keels over.
I awake.
I must get a street map of Philly.  I know where my car is.

Thursday, January 30, 2014

A heroic rescue

Day 2…..Crawling to the mail

Ocean Boulevard, Myrtle Beach…not Ok!

OK!!!!…Stop!!!!….This isn't fun anymore.  
I was born in upstate New York near the Canadian border.  I am used to snow and cold.   When I was growing up we played in the snow all the time.  I made snow forts, numerous snowmen, and occasional snow woman.  I was the proud owner of a flexible flyer.  Snow was fun.
Summer wasn't a season, it was a day.

I am so over that.

I woke up this morning thinking that things would return to normal today.  
Yesterday was a lousy weather day in Myrtle Beach.  A snowbird neighbor chuckled, "The storm of the decade is on its way."
That was yesterday.  This morning I saw him crawling through the parking lot, trying unsuccessfully to reach his mailbox.  Very icy.  I decided to go help him.  I am pretty good with ice.  I dressed appropriately.  I stuffed some tools into my toolbox for the task.  A word of advice for ice walkers.  You should never, ever put a ice pick in your front pants pocket.  We are talking major scrotum evisceration here.

We live near the beach.  Our property is on a dune line.  We are elevated from the beach and the road.  As I  stepped outside and put my foot on the sidewalk I became airborne instantly. I landed quite nicely.  This always amazes my wife.  She asked me how I can fall all the time and never get hurt?  "Practice."

I have fallen many times.  I could teach a class in falling.  Perhaps the local college will let me teach it this fall.  I wouldn't even need a classroom.  A parking lot and some bananas would be sufficient.

Anyway….back on topic, the rescue of my neighbor, the smug snowbird.   After I hit the ground,  I started to slide down the parking lot past the snowbird guy.   I couldn't help but remark to him, "Ha!..storm of the decade indeed. "  He answered weakly, "Help me."

"I will be with you soon.  I saw the mail girl crawl by our mailboxes about an hour ago."  I shimmied up the mailbox post, and opened it.  It was emptier than a politician promise.  I still had not received my inheritence from barrister Michael Okuwan from Lagos, Nigeria.

"Help me…….Help me please"  
"I will be there soon, Bucko!"  I prepared my tools for the rescue.  I took out my hammer and started hitting the ice with it until I reached Mr. Snowbird's whimpering carcass.

"You should have a rescue kit, Mr. Snowbird man." I advised. 
"What's in your rescue kit?", He wanted to know.
"Let me see!!!…I have a hammer, icepick, a space blanket, some nylon rope, tampons, 2 Starbuck coupons in case I fall in front of one of the numerous Starbucks in Myrtle Beach,  Mrs. Dash spicy Italian seasoning and 50 cents for tips at Starbucks."

"Wow! You are really prepared for disaster.  I have a few questions for you. Why Mrs. Dash seasoning? why tampons?  and why Starbucks?"

Ok….The Mrs. Dash is a salt substitute.  We do not use salt.  Too much sodium.  It should do just as good a job on ice as salt.  If it doesn't,  you have some pretty tasty ice.   The tampons?…that was a mistake.  I don't hear really well.  I thought they said tampons.  They actually said crampons.  An honest mistake.
Starbucks because I don't go to Dunkin Donuts.  DD carded me for proof when I was 68 years old.  That was a few years ago.  Mr. Snowbird eyes widened. "You're older than me.  Help us…Help us, please.  For God's  sake help two old men…Please…someone!"

I started thinking.  This guy is getting hysterical now.  Maybe I should not have mentioned my hearing problem and my Dunkin Donut issue.  Thank God, I did not mention my vision problem and my memory problem. I have to get him calm.  Perhaps I should slap him.  No, No,  A bad idea. My bad shoulder.

I handed him the hammer.  "This is the best way. Use the hammer to break the ice. Drag yourself home."  He just looked so pathetic when he again said, "Help me."

I used the ice pick to get myself home.  A tough 75 feet.  I look out the window occasionally to check on Mr Snowbird.  He seems to be making progress.  Hmmm…It's starting to rain again.  Freezing rain.
I hope he returns my hammer when he's done.

I think I see his lips moving as he removes the icicles hanging from his nose.  I think he is saying, "help me."
I could be wrong about this. My vision is not great. Or my eyesight.

Friday, January 24, 2014

Bullets in my head.

It was a dark and stormy night.  Yadda, yadda, yadda.  It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.

Singers exercise their voice. They may yodel or do the scale.  Do re mi...whatever.  Runners will stretch the legs with various exercises.  I do my writing exercise by doing famous lines.  You wouldn’t want me to get writer’s cramp, would you??

My blog has not been very active last year.  My brain has been uploading new information in 2013.  At my age you lose a lot of brain cells every day and if you don’t keep your brain active, you forget things.

The little French ladies mosaic wall plaque.

I haven’t  written much this year.  The doctor told me if I don’t keep my brain active I will start forgetting things.   Hmmm…..That sounds familiar.  Anyway…Where was I?  The doctor told me…ummmm….What to hell did he tell me?

Senior citizens: Exercise your mind and your body.  It helps.
What have we (Little French Lady and Hemlock) been doing?

  • I have taken a course in memoir writing. 
  • Mosaics class
  • Geocaching
  • walking on the beach
  • reading
  • being the servants, cooks, cleaner and play pal for our cat Madison.


I just finished the book, "Unbroken" by Laura Hildenbrand.  It is about Louis Zamperini.
This a great story about an interesting guy.  The author has a fascinating story also.

I also read "The Power of Habit" by Charles Duhigg.  Why we do what we do in Life and in Business. Another interesting book.

Some senior citizen observations.  Some are mine.  Many of these were found on the internet.

"Sometimes I wonder if the world is being run by smart people who are putting us on, or by imbeciles who really mean it"

Mark Twain

"Too bad all the people who know how to run the country are busy cutting hair or driving a cab."

George Burns

These things keep me awake at night..!!!
  • I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
  • 99.7% of the lawyers give the rest a bad name.
  • 41.8% of all statistic are made up on the spot.
  • A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
  • If a man with a split personality threatens to commit suicide, is it a hostage situation?
  • An intellectual is someone who can listen to "The William Tell Overture"  without thinking of the Lone Ranger.

  • Some senior citizens are in the initial segment of their life: AARP, SSI, MD, DOA, RIP.
  • Everything hurts, and what doesn't hurt doesn't work.
  • The gleam in your eye is from the sun hitting your bifocals.
  • You feel like the morning after and you haven't been anywhere.
  • Your little black book contains names only ending in M.D.
  • Your children begin to look middle age.
  • You finally reach the top of the ladder and find it's leaning against the wrong wall.
  • Your mind makes contracts your body can't keep.
  • A dripping faucet causes and uncontrollable bladder urge.
  • You look forward to a dull evening.
  • Your favorite part of the newspaper is "40 Years Ago Today."
  • You turn out the lights for economic reasons rather than romantic ones.
  • You sit in the rocking chair and can't get it going.
  • You knees buckle and your belt won't.
  • You regret all those mistakes you made resisting tempation.
  • You're 17 around the neck, 42 around the waist, and 96 around the golf course.
  • Your back goes out more than you do.
  • Your pacemaker makes the garage door open when you see a pretty girl.
  • The little old grey haired lady you help across the street is your wife.
  • You sink your teeth into a steak and they stay there.
  • You have too much room in the house and not enough in the medicine cabinet.
  • You know all the answers but nobody asks the questions.
Old pictures: In the early 1900's men always wore hats.  Theywore them properly;
apparently it became a lost art.  People now do not know how to wear hats. They have them on sideways , backwards, oversized, undersized, everything but right.

  •  You chewed Blackjack or Teaberry gum.
  •  You watched Howdy Doody.  (I wept shamelessly when it went off the air)
  • You watched Justine Corelli and Bob Clayton dance on American Bandstand. (I wept shamelessly when they never married.)
  • You snuck in to the movie theater. (I wept shamelessly when I was caught.)
  • You played tableside jukeboxes. (COOL)
  •  You played big Seeburg and Wurlitzer Jukeboxes.  3 songs for a quarter.
  • You know whT 45 and 78 RPM records WERE.  scratchy sound.
  • You remember staring at the test pattern on your TV.
  • You remember a flat Annette Funicello (RIP).
  • You can sing the Mickey Mouse Club Song.  
  • You heard "Rock around the clock" for the first time when you saw the movie "Blackboard Jungle" .
  • When you were growing up, swing club was a Friday night dance activity not a sexual event.
  • People actually talked to each other.  Face to face!!!!!!
  • You stopped weeping shamelessly.

A few interesting facts:
  • Willard Scott was the original Ronald McDonald.
  • Bob Keeshan, who was Captain Kangaroo, was also Clarabell the Clown on Howdy Doody.
  • Julia Childs, Chef, worked for the OSS, which was a forerunner of the CIA.
  • Martha Stewart, while in prison, would knit a key out of steel wool and leave the prison at night and steal things and give them to the prison staff for preferential treatment.  The warden now drives a Bentley and numerous guards have lovely centerpieces on their tables at home.
  • One of the above statements is a lie.

I have found a very interesting site called "The Moth".   True stories told live.  It has some awesome stories.  Here is a link to a narration called " A dish best served cold"
You will love this.  I hope you enjoy the stories.

As they say in Ecuador "Au revoir." 
I get confused.  I was supposed to go to Ecuador.  I ended up in Quebec.
I'm done. 
Out of mojo and juju and a few other mysterious words.
I am done. No more bullets.