Sunday, February 15, 2015

TIME TO HIT THE PUBLISH BUTTON?

I started to journal a year ago.



April 1, 2014 (Journal entry)

I awoke this morning with a cranium packed with mirthful schemes to make this an exciting April fools day.  (I wonder if people are going to buy this story?  I just won't mention to anyone that it is August 20th.)

Perhaps I will do the old "dog poop in a bag" trick.  This could be problematic.  We do not have any paper bags.  We have plastic bags.  We always used to be asked "paper or plastic?"  The clerk doesn't ask any more.  The groceries are shoved into a thin plastic bag which disintegrates half way to your car.

The LFL (little french lady) decided to smear the doggie doo all over our neighbors door handle.  This is actually more efficient.  My back up plan was to paint his house with a new shade of paint called limburg cheese.  When it dries in the sun…yum, yum!!
We will go with my plan.

You cannot buy this at Sherwin Williams.
I will report the results in my next journal entry.  Tomorrow…..April 2nd.

August 20,2014 (oops), April 2nd, 2014 (Journal entry)

Ummm…I forgot to factor in the wind with the Limburg cheese…ummm paint.  It doesn't smell good especially in the heat. I should have remembered this from college.  Someone put Limburg cheese on the radiators in the communal shower room in the dorm.  No one took showers for weeks.  The Agricultural students were not even allowed into the dorm.  They already were stinky.

We have rented a motel for a few weeks or until the essence abates.

April 3rd, 2014 (Journal entry)

I am sitting here drinking my morning coffee and reading the paper.  I read that they have the Ebola virus under control in West Africa.  The Israeli and the Palestinian are getting along well and since the American left Iraq everything is running like a well oiled machine.  Well…finally some good news!!!

April 4th 2014 (Journal entry)

Some nights I have trouble sleeping.   I think about things.  Since the Limburg incident my wife (LFL) has been cooking strangely, but this morning she has explained her logic.

We have been eating beans, pickled eggs, cabbage, bananas, prunes, broccoli and cauliflower to name a few items.
"Why?", I queried
The little french lady reasoned: If we can't get rid of the Limburg cheese smell, we can use it as subterfuge to get rid of our flatulent inducing foods.   I like the way this lady stinks thinks.    She also mentioned a couple of benefits from this.  We are heating our house with gas this week and we haven't had many visitors.  The Jehovah Witnesses did not stay long at all.  They just kinda threw a Watchtower at us and ran.  I hollered, "Bless You."

The wife always said, "When life give you a lemon make lemonade."
We did.

April 5th, 2014 (Journal entry)

Speaking of subterfuge, it is getting more difficult to fool my wife.  I have told her I was journaling every day.  I haven't written a word in about 130 days.  Hmmm,   maybe I shouldn't write this into my fake journal.
I have been doing things.  I have read a whole bunch of books.  Most of them don't have pictures.  I have my socks all rolled and my underwear and T-shirts have never looked neater.  I put them in color order after I ironed them.  The LFL doesn't like flatirons.  I do.  

Sometimes I am a tad obsessive compulsive.  I once asked the guy who was in charge of the cemetery how much work it would be to put the grave stones in alphabetical order.  He said, "A lot. You would have to dig up all the bodies."
But not really.  Who would know? Who would care?  I had him thinking for a few minutes.  So I have been doing things that require deep thought.

April 6th 2014 (Journal entry)

I have been thinking about my autobiography.  I think I will have someone write it for me. LFL says "No,  That will be a biography."  I told her I will call my friend, Stephen King.  He will help me.
She said, "Good luck with that one."  I decided not to call.  I may need some help at some point.
I can't call my friend, Stuart Woods.  We're not on speaking terms. Never were.  I asked him to help me out of a writing dilemma. (My main character, Colt Brandisher, has a bullet racing towards his head in the first paragraph.)  He actually emailed me and said, "You got yourself into this, get yourself out."

Thanks, big boy!!  Colt is as good as dead.

April 7th 2014 (Journal entry)


My OCD is acting up again.  I cannot read a book without putting every word in alphabetical order and I demanded to the LFL that my alphabet soup only have vowels. It is slow going.  I have washed the cat three times today.  I am ready to wash her again but I can't find her.
I am trying to get the LFL to become a lawyer.  We watch Judge Judy and the Peoples Court every day.  She has learned a lot about the law in the USA.    The problem with LFL is; She would have many of these people executed for stupidity.  She could probably do the Doctor Phil show too. We often turn each other and ask, "Where do they find these people?   Crazies!!!!!

I think I am getting caught up on my blogging.

I would love to write more but I have used up my supply of vowels for the day.
Gxttx gx!!!




Saturday, February 14, 2015

It is what it is…and other meaningful thoughts.

Whatever!!!

The solution to many of life's problems can usually be solved by a little creativity.  In fact the little French lady and I thought of a solution to one of our major complaints.

We thought it would be a wonderful idea if the state and federal powers would make it legal for a citizen to shoot another citizen that was texting while driving or talking on their cellphone.  We quickly realize that our logic was flawed.  We simply could not afford that much ammunition to get the job done.

Bruce:
Would anyone be surprised if Bruce Jenner came out and said he was raped by Bill Cosby?
Would anyone be surprised if Bruce Jenner came out with a women's sports clothing line for big muscular women at Target?
Would anyone be surprised if Bruce Jenner's rear end collision was not his first?
Would it surprise you if Bruce said to (step-daughter) Kim Kardasian,  "How long are you going to drag that big ass around?"…  and he was talking about Kanye West.

Moving on
3 dots is considered good grammar, 4…not so much.  There is a name for three dots. Ellipsis.
Ellipsis?….Huh!…?  Oops!

My bank problem.  My bank charged me an overdraft fee.  They know that I already don't have enough money.  They told me.  Why are they charging me?  Don't they get it?  Obtuse or what?

My wife asked me why Tarzan doesn't have a beard.   Does anyone have an answer?

I must be getting old.  I purchased a term life insurance policy.  The first payment was higher than the face value.   This might be a bad investment.

Zen sarcasm:
Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the hell alone.

Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.

If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

Life at home:
My wife hid my air guitar.

I just read a book about the Stockholm Syndrome.  It wasn't very good at first but towards the end I kinda liked it.

My wife sent me out to buy some cheap meat.  I returned with  10 pound of deer testicles.  I got them cheap…..under a buck.


My budding writing career.

I have been thinking about writing my autobiography.
No….no!!! Not the one that says….Jon went to his eternal whatever today surrounded by his family.
"Hey…why are you surrounding me?…back up!!!!"
That is called an obituary.

I want mine to start like James Michener novel and end like the bible apocalypse.  Both excellent fiction, just like my autobiography.  Oh, I can throw in a few seeds of truth and see what falsehood I can propagate from that,  just like Brian Williams.

Today I went to my blogger profile page to update my biography.  I quickly realized that nothing has changed.  I am as boring as I was in 2009.

I was going to add a couple of things but I already had enough information.  You don't really need to know about my bowel movements. NOTE: calculating bowel movement when you are a senior citizen is an inprecise science.  Maybe it should be considered an art, not a science,  but I digress in my babbling.

Let me do a personal inventory of my life since 2009.
I am older,  I have less hair,  I do not see as well,  I do not hear as well.  I have a new cat and a new wristwatch.  That's it!!!   Some of my friends have had some great adventures.   I could steal their lives.

I will write their lives. It will be great.
Sadly, I will not be able to go on any book tours after it is published.
I am not a good liar.  I could not stand in front of an audience and lie.
I would start to sweat profusely, stutter like crazy, hysterical weeping, diarrhea, and projectile vomiting may be involved.

I think I can do this writing thing.  My friends, James Patterson and Ernest Hemingway John Grisham agree.



Saturday, February 7, 2015

Can you hear me now? NO?

redux



The hardest part of blogging is starting again.   I have many ideas, but the problem with writing is that real life sometime intervenes. The little French lady and I have some health issues that we are getting resolved.  It has brought our nerves a little closer to the surface.  We get annoyed more easily.  We are getting annoyed with people especially the ones we see on television.  Examples below.

Dr. Phil
I ask myself everyday why Doctor Phil needs a drummer.  We start to watch the episode and suddenly Buddy Rich and Gene Krupa start practicing.
My wife turns to me and says, " What did Dr. Phil say?'
"I think he said something about boom boom sex boom two sided pancake rodeo."
"Really?"
"Umm…maybe.  I heard something about a pancake rodeo,  I threw in the sex thing."  We don't have a clue what the Doctor Phil show is about anymore.  We haven't for several years.
Perhaps the drummer knows.

Pawn Stars

We have been watching Pawn stars this year.  We used to watch Hardcore Pawn, where Ashley and Seth insult each other continuously and the father, Les Gold, just stands there in his leather jacket with his mouth wide open and his eyes wide in disbelief at the spectacle of his son and daughter having a fist fight over who is going to run the company when Les drops dead of a heart attack, which appears imminent.

We looked at each other one night while watching Hardcore Pawn.  The little French lady's mouth was wide open and her eyes were wide in disbelief.  She turned to me and said, "Why are you drooling?" The answer was because I was watching Hardcore Pawn and Ashley, Seth and Les were once again fighting and my mouth was wide open.  I tend to drool when I leave my mouth open for more than 30 straight minutes.  That was the last episode we watched.

We watch Pawn Stars now.  The stars are the Harrison family, a pleasantly unattractive family made up of the old man, Rick, and Corey; Chumley (a friend) is the comic relief.  The Harrisons are a lot more fun to watch.  The whole family plus Chumley went on a diet and everyone lost a lot of weight.  No one  got much better looking. They are, to put it delicately, "big boned" and "big uglied."

The characters are: Richard Harrison Sr. (The Old Man).  His job is to sit at his desk and be grumpy or asleep.  He is the patriarch and the pawn star emeritus of the show.  He rarely does anything but bitch, eat and sleep at his desk.  I haven't seen a wheel chair so I assume he can still walk, but he doesn't .

Rick jr. is the guy who seems to be in charge.  He is a very knowledgeable guy. He knows plenty but he often refers to experts in certain fields.  The irritating thing about Rick is his laughter. He will just bust out with a chuckle or chortle over things that are not funny.

Corey is Rick's son.  He has just a delightful personality….I am told.  His main job is to get Chumley to annoy Rick.  Corey lost 192 pounds.  Impressive. The Little French Lady does not like him much, because he disrespects Rick jr. a lot.

Chumley is the star of the show.  His job is to scheme up ways to do very little work and annoy Rick. We believe the producers of the show make Chumley look like he has an IQ somewhere between 5 and 50.  He plays the part well.  They have shown a few segments where Chumley was pretty intelligent.
Some of his schemes are brilliant but doomed to failure in the end.

Person of Interest/The Blacklist

These two shows are interchangeable.  The only real difference is the whispering.  The main characters of POI is John Reese, a former CIA muscle guy and Harold (insert bird name here).  They whisper a lot.
I couldn't hear what they were saying.   I outsmarted them.  I put it on closed caption.

The whispering was in real small letters.  They outsmarted me.

I purchased a 62 inch TV through Medicare. I could read the captions.  I told Medicare it was a hearing aid.  I didn't lie.  I outsmarted everybody…except the little French Lady.  She hates it when something is scrolling at the bottom of the screen.  She disabled CC.
She still asks me what is happening.  I tell her I haven't heard anything but whispers since the first show and I haven't understood the plot since the second show.

Since The Blacklist is running the same plot line I get my thirst for murder and mayhem quench at that troth.  I also find that James Spader is as deviously good as Raymond Reddington.  He has a body count in this show that the "American Sniper" would envy.

POI will end the series when Harold's last name is Buzzard or Vulture.
Blacklist will end when Harold disables Samaritan and puts his own machine back on line which will help Raymond Reddington find the bad guys from the Blacklist.

Well, I guess I wrapped up that package nicely.  Now if I can can get Reddington to kill the drummer on Doctor Phil.  That will be the nice little bow on the package.

I told you they were interchangeable.


Wednesday, December 31, 2014

The unmaking of the bed.

Stealth

I creep towards the stairs.   I lift my head and look towards the living room window.  Our cat Madison hasn't noticed me.  She is under the window.  Her tail is wagging with vigour as little clucking sounds emanate from her mouth.  The bird feeder must be very busy today.

I would love to toss that Mourning Dove to the ground.
I slowly get to my feet and quietly tiptoe up the carpeted stairs. As I reach the landing, one of the stairs makes a creaking sound.  I stop.  Beads of sweat appear on my forehead.  I do not move for two minutes.  Whew! That was close.  I continue my ascent till I reach step # 14. The top stair.  I did it.  I have never made it this far unnoticed.  I am giddy with success.

Wow! I could have been a CIA agent, an assassin, a burglar.  
A cat burglar, but who steals cats anymore?  I am good at this.  I could teach classes.  You just have to move slowly and not fall down too much.  The moving slowly part is easy for senior citizens.  The falling down thing, not so much.

Speed

Anyway….I continue to move slowly towards the bed which is only ten feet away.  I glance back as I reach the corner of the bed.  I move to the top of the bed and pull the sheets tight to get out any wrinkles. I must move quickly. I do both pillows. Perspiration drips down my nose and onto my wife's pillow case.  

Damn!  Oh well, the damage is done.  I take off the pillow case and wipe my brow.  I pull the blanket to the top of the bed.  I look back over my shoulder at the staircase.  This is where I see her lurking three stairs from the top.  Watching me.  Ready. 
She isn't there.  I exhale. I am drenched.
I quietly remove my t-shirt and wipe my clammy upper body with it.  I continue to straighten the bed. I move toward the comforter.  Her favorite part of the bed.  I look back at the stairs.  She really is hiding well, this time. 

Whew! It is really warm in here.  I think I will take off some of these clothes.  I remove my sweatpants. Oh..what to heck,  I will remove my smiley face boxer  briefs.  I will be doing laundry later.

I slowly put the comforter on the bottom of the bed. I start to unfold it.  I scan the room.  I look back at the staircase.  This is where she fly onto the bed like Superman.  She doesn't walk to the bed, she doesn't run to the bed.  She soars in from some mysterious place and lands on some critical fold of the comforter,  making it impossible to continue without some sort of feline/human combat.

I continue to pull the comforter to the top of the bed. Done.  The pillows next.  Done.  I exhale and then     I scream, "YES!!!!!….YES!!!!!"  My right arm is pumping furiously.
Location, location, location.

Epilogue

As it turns out,  my wife was entertaining our new friend, Janie.  I should say a former new friend.  When they heard me screaming, they ran up the stairs and were greeted by a sweaty, wild eyed naked man pumping his arm wildly.
Janie ran down the stairs and exited the house through the front door, and I mean THROUGH THE FRONT DOOR.  She didn't  even bother to open the door.  She went through the screen hollering, "He's crazy! He's crazy."  This would not be so alarming except for the fact that she is a psychiatric nurse.

This whole incident upset Madison so much that she vomited into the heat register in front of the living room window.

I realized later that I really enjoy her "helping" me make the bed and I would miss it if she didn't do it.  I went upstairs and messed up the bed, and called her.  She lurked on the third stair from the top.
All is well.  I missed this more than she did.


Tuesday, December 30, 2014

The Victim's Club

Victim 1

What have you women done?  This poor guy is going to have to sign up for unemployment or worse yet, welfare.  A life ruined.  His good name besmirched.

Victim 2


Hey! What about me?  I was besmirched also.  When I coached, I liked good clean play.  That is why I showered with my players…..and their children.  Cleanliness.   Well, at least I still get to shower with the guys.

Victim 3

Sure, sure!!!  I forgot where I put my kid for a month and everybody gets their panties in a big wedgie.
I told them I left her at Shelema Gomez's condo or was it Demi Gonzales' house.  Whatever!!!!!! At least some of the people think my Dad is a douchebag.  It took some of the pressure off me.

I probably won't get my job back at Universal.  I think I will apply for the job of Snow White at Disney World.  I do have great acting and storytelling skills on my resume.

victim 4


Yo! Casey!!!!…..Yo!…. Hey, I have experience finding bad people.  I can help you.  I will help you find Shaina Lopez.  Are there any par 72 golf courses where you live?
I sent you this picture of me trying on golf work gloves.  These seemed a tad loose so I soaked them for a while.
I am working out a sports memorabilia problem and as soon as it is solved, I will, of course,  link up with you.

I may rent a car.  Do they still make the VW Golf?
Now….if you will excuse me, I have to go wash my balls.

Thursday, December 25, 2014

Reading list 2014

My reading list


I have read some books this year.   I was reading when I should have been writing.

  • Private with James Patterson.  This one was free on my iPad.  I have mixed feelings about James   Patterson.  sometimes good, sometimes not so much.  This was not his best.
  • Wild- Cheryl Stayed.  Good book but I dislike anyone who burns books for any reason, Cheryl.
  • Paris Match- Stuart Woods.  Always a fun read.
  • Cut and Thrust-Stuart Woods.  See above
  • Carnal Curiosity-Stuart Woods.  another easy read.
  • Stand up guy-Stuart Woods-ditto
  • Doing hard time-Stuart Woods.  Stuart's books are like a soap opera.  I have read 50 of his books.
  • Field of Prey-John Sandford.  I like the way he writes.  Some of his characters end up in bad places. (stump shredder?) Gritty style but he knows how to keep you interested.  I have read 38 of his books but only two this year.
  • Deadline- John Sandford. another good one, John.
  • Unbroken-Laura Hillenbrand.  good memoir about a war hero.
  • Imperfect justice-Jeff Ashton. Casey Anthony walks, Jeff!!!
  • Death of Santini- Pat Conroy. Pat writes about depressing stuff with great style.
  • The Losing Season-Pat Conroy.  See above.
  • One summer (1927)-Bill Bryson.  A great book.
  • The power of Habit-Charles Duhigg.  Why you buy what you buy.
  • David and Goliath- Malcolm Gladwell.   Interesting book.
  • Outliers-Malcolm Gladwell.  another good one.
  • Think like a Freak-Steven Levitt.  by the author of Freakonomics.
  • Lone Survivor-Marcus Luttrell. Afghanistan with Navy Seals.
  • My mother was nuts- Penny Marshall.  Lavern's Bio.
  • No Easy Day-Mark Owens.  Gotcha Osama.
  • Killing Jesus-Bill Reilly. Politics, even then.
  • Killing Kennedy-Bill Reilly.  More politics.
  • Practice to Deceive-Ann Rule.  One of many Ann Rule books I have read.
  • Storm Front-John Sandford.  Almost forgot that one.
  • Mickey Spillane Trilogy, Mickey's first three books.  He would killed a lot less people if he had a cell phone. (3 books)
  • Balance-Bob Freeland.  Iraq bomb defusing.
  • Now you see her-James Patterson.  Finally a good read from Patterson.
  • 1776-David McCullough. Good history.
  • Tis-Frank McCourt. Frank is pretty witty guy. I didn't think I would like this book, but I do.
  • Mr. Monk and the blue flu. Lee Goldberg.  Trials and tribulation of a detective with OCD.
  • The Natural soap Book-Susan Miller Cavitch.  Learn how to make soap.
  • A stolen Life-Jaycee Dugard.  Kidnapped at eleven. Held prisoner for many years.
  • Without Pity-Ann Rule. She writes the best true crime books.
  • End of a Dream-Ann Rule.  See above.
  • Tipping point- Malcolm Gladwell
  • What the dog saw-Malcolm Gladwell
  • T is for Trespass-Sue Grafton.
  • On writing-William Zinsser
  • Blink-Malcolm Gladwell
  • Judgement Ridge-Mitchell Zuckoff. The Dartmouth Murders.
  • Lost in Shangri la-Mitchell zuckoff.  Lost in  rough terrain.
  • Think fast and slow-Daniel Kahnemen
  • One for the Money-Janet Evanovich.  First of the Plum Series.
I will try to write more in the next year if I don't get writer's block.



You must understand, writer's block is not a nebulous, abstract thing with me.
It is a furry 14 pound mass of feline attitude of "What!!!??


I feel like I have left out a few books.  That’s OK!

Madison has almost nothing of her own.  Oh, maybe a condo, a tent, a tube, Kitty TV (window looking out on the bird feeder) numerous feather toys, balls, her own personal chair on the balcony. 

She has more furniture than we do.   She only puts her claws into "her stuff".  

I am working on a few right now.  Gone Girl by Gillian Flynn, Uncaged by John Sandford.
Perhaps I will be able to find a book that will tell me how to get my life back from my cat.



Wednesday, December 24, 2014

Happy Holidays to everyone.


A happy face for the holidays. (Madison)

Note: Madison looks so much like Wilson.  (below)


Wilson was a quiet presence in our life for 16 years.  He never meowed.  He knew how.  He just didn't deem it necessary.  We miss you.

Madison meowed more in the first 10 minutes than wilson did in 16 years and she is still going strong.
She makes us laugh every day.  Just like Wilson.

Great companions.