Monday, February 11, 2019

stuff I like today



Hemlock's two main rules of Life

1. Never tell everything you know

Monday, August 20, 2018

Update: Journal entry
15,000 straight day I haven’t used algebra.
Today I went to the Ripley Aquarium with a fishing pole.  I was escorted out.
I must be getting old.  Judge Judy seems pretty sexy to me.
In case of an accident, have a change of underwear.  Every accident I have seen, the people can be heard screaming, “change my underwear, change my underwear!”

Wednesday, April 25, 2018

Confusion in the White House

Confusion in the White House

New York post Page 6

Michelle and ex president Barack Obama dined at the Four Seasons Restaurant in NYC yesterday evening with former president Jimmy Carter. 
The Obamas had a roast beef dinner with baked potatoes and string beans, Jimmy had  chop beef cooked in peanut butter sauce.
The group then….

The orange haired manbaby throws down his newspaper in a rage.
"WTF, Kellyanne, Sarah, do something about this. Hand me my phone.”

TWEET: Four season food bad, very bad .  The Kenyan got food poisoning. Very bad food. Run, spot, run. U 2 Kenyan. (SEND)
"Whew, I feel better now.” 

Oh, oh...I better do it again.
TWEET:  food bad @4seasons, owner deserves facepunch. Lol!
I will pay lawyers...(SEND)

"Oh wow! Again!"
TWEET: Jimmy the peanut boy got very sick. Tainted beef! Executive order time.(SEND)

"Kellyanne, no beef to NYC, tainted. Very, very bad. Real bad. Bad. Effective immediately. EXECUTIVE ORDER!

"Sarah? What?"
"They did not report anyone sick at the Four Seasons last night or ever, your highness."

"And what exactly is your point Sarah? And Sarah, lose some weight. You look like a balloon in the Macy's thanksgiving day parade; now help me out of bed.  It is almost 6am.  And tell Kellyanne to put on a few pounds she looks like a starved corpse."
"Where's Melissa?"
"Do you mean Melonous, I mean, Melania or whatever her name is?"
"Yeah, that's the one. Where is she?" 
"You sent her to Europe to visit an uncle Vlad...?"
"Vlad?...oh...yeah, I did. He's a real bully.  He is such a liar. Very big liar. Maybe she can get him to stop. She knows about abuse for sure. That's right in her wheelchair."
"Don't you mean wheelhouse, your highness?"
“Yeah...what...ever!" I don’t want to talk about that Kenyan Muslim any more either.”
Mumblings. “I know about the fake birth certificate.”

"Hmmm, I think I will name my uncle Marty the secretary of the Navy. I think he owned a kayak once. Ummm...what day did you say Madonna would be home and is Burford with her?"
"Do you mean Melania and Baron?"
"Barren? I am as fertile as I ever was. I produced Woody or Burford didn't I? So which one did she take to India? Woody or Burford?"
"Baron, sir."
"And she left the other two at home? THE BITCH!  When she gets home I will punch her in the face ten times just like I did to Anderson Cooper."
"Sir, you didn't punch Anderson Cooper in the face and you only have one son living at home or some place nearby."
"Oh... what happened to poor little Burford and Woody?"
Sarah fidgets and then smiles.
"They are at Military prep school, sir.  Just like the one you attended.
They are doing very well."
"Ah...yes. Wish them a Merry Christmas. I rarely see them. Very nice kids. Very nice.  I know it's only June but, you know, golf, twittering, saving the world.  Not much time."

"Now if you will excuse me I have to go wrap Christmas presents or something. Somebody should be fired today.Who's left at the FBI?"

Monday, December 25, 2017

Membership drive for the Hemlock Institute.

Greetings and Salutation to my fellow pseudo intellects.

My name is Jonathan Hemlock.   I am president of the Hemlock Institute.  We  are a think tank for people with IQ's in the high double figures.  I will tell you a little bit about our staff.

Jonathan Hemlock: President of HI.  I am a college educated freelance profiler.  I am about 100 credit hours away from acquiring my degree in forensic bovine scatology tasting testing.

Little French Lady: (LFL) Is an expert in the English language.   She is fully involved in the grammar and rhetoric aspects of the English language.  As soon as she can figure when to when to use who/whom and understand why the word invalid can mean two different things she will be a big help to me.

Madison Louise Wilsonova: (Maddie Lou) Our cat. An associate member.   She doesn't like to attend meetings and she will usually sleep through them when she shows up.  
Ocassionally she will get up give a good solid head butt when you do something agreeable to her but she has a tendency to get verbally abusive if the meeting runs into her feeding time.

We have certain rules at the HI.

  • No criticizing that stupid bastard, Donald Trump.
  • I make the rules.
  • refer to rules  A and 2.
  • Our newsletter will come out when I feel like writing it.
  • BE CONsiStant
  • use spelcheck
  • have odor orterr order in your work

  • BE CONsiStant
  • proofread yore werk.
  • Okay, i'm done. send the cash!
  • Flash Fiction for writing class

    I met Maria on the beach.  The moment our eyes met I knew she was my “forever person. “ Maria was from a city one hundred miles to the south.  We had a great summer together. We promised to write.  We faithfully kept our promises.
    At first the letters were friendly, then romantic, then steamy.
    I would go to the library daily to find romantic poems to include in my letters. In the month of December I had a huge stack of letters, than one hundred.

    In the late spring I received a “dear John” letter from Maria.  She was engaged to the mailman.  They planned on marrying the Labor Day weekend.  

    That’s fine.  I eloped with the Librarian last week.