Monday, June 15, 2015

A lifetime warranty

And other life myths

Billy was the only one that liked to drink sewer water.
Sometimes you realize late in life that the adage "if it seems too good to be true, it usually is."
I take another sip of my "Billy Beer",  I burp…or was that a little vomit?…and say to myself, "So true, so true."

Yes, I traded my classic 1952 bullet nose Studebaker for a lifetime supply of Billy Beer to the Reingold beer distributor in my area. The car was in a parade last week.  It was for sale for $24,000.
The distributor did not lie even though I have 15 bottles left out of a case of 24, I consider it a lifetime supply.
I have tried to get my friends to drink some.  I have lost friends.   I put a few bottles on skid row for the derelicts to sip upon.  I found it untouched on my porch the next day.  I can't even bring it back to the beer dealer.  Reingold went out of business many years ago (1976), the same year I purchased the Betamax video taping system for $1800.  This can't miss.  It's a Sony product.  Sony!!!!  I also received a lifetime supply movie card which gave me access to movies for $2 instead of $2.99. The card cost me $99 (good for a lifetime).  I used it once.  The store went out of business in 93 days.   My 99 cents savings cost me $99.

When things like this happen you develop a thick skin.  Sadly, my skin became so thick I had to see a dermatologist.
The doctor took one look at my skin and said, "Yikes…this is bad."
"I know." I sighed.
"8 track car stereo?" He queried.
"No, Betamax with lifetime movie club guarantee." I whispered shamefully.
"Ouch! Why did you wait so long?"
"There's more." A tear trickled down my cheek.
"More?  You're joking! This is as bad as it gets…already.  Don't tell me there is more."
I bowed my head and muttered, "I traded my 1952 Studebaker classic for a case of Billy Beer."
The doctor fell to his knees and started laughing or crying hysterically and he kept muttering, "OH MY GOD" numerous times.
Finally I asked if he was laughing or crying.  He said, "I Don't know.  I owned that car last year and I sold it for $12,000.  It was a wonderful car but the ashtray was full".
"Then you're probably crying because he is selling it  for $24,000."
"$24,000?…$24,000 american dollars? "  I watched as his skin became blotchy, big red welts began to appear.  He started scratching his arms, then his legs.  I could see he was fighting the urge to scratch his crotch.  His face began to twitch and he had a fit of cough.

Perhaps I should call a nurse.  What a turn of events.
"Nurse, please bring me 2 Benadryl, some Cortisone lotion, and Viagra; the doctor is having a hives stress reaction." I hollered into the intercom on his desk.
"Huh?…I get the cortisone, and Benadyrl.  What's with the Viagra?"
"Oh! That's for me. This is the best I felt since the brewery closed down in 1976."


My thick skin started to thin out a bit. I realized that thick skin in my case was used figuratively and not literally.  Sadly for my Dermatologist this was not the case.  The blotches never left him and he has to wear gloves all the time.  This has affected his business greatly but on the up side he has stopped smoking.

Ah, who knows.  Maybe Betamax will make a comeback.  Until then I believe I will sit here and sip on my Billy Beer.  Ewwwww!!!!