Wednesday, April 29, 2009

My first big crush ( a trip down memory lane.)

Desdamona Cameltoe where are you now?  You were my first crush.  That was in junior high school.  You were my dream girl.  
At thirteen I started planning my life as an adult. I had just ended a successful career in little league baseball.   I was going to move onto Junior league baseball, high school baseball and by the age of twenty I would be in the majors or at the very least triple A. 
You were to be my trophy wife. I was to have a lucrative career as the second baseman for the New York Yankees.
Something went horrible wrong.  Not something, Everything.

The first thing: I stopped growing. I was a dwarf among men at thirteen. My friends had strange voices that would change in the middle of conversations.  I still was squeaky.
second thing: curve ball. Little league didn't have to many curveballs unless you got a line drive to the crotch.
Third thing: While my height stagnated, you grew in every direction that was desirable.
I had admired  you from afar and you knew it.  I decided I would ask her to the Junior Prom.
After agonizing for three weeks with many restless nights trying to work up my courage I  decided I would ask her. I was sweating like a dog in a Chinese Restaurant.
I walked up to her  with knees shaking.  I babbled something like, " ...prom?"
She replied immediately. " Oh, sorry, Gunther Wartshlong just asked me five minutes ago."
Gunther Wartshlong was the token exchange student at our school. He was from Germany.  Gunther was tall, blonde, and a closet Nazi.  I knew this because I would wave at him and he would forget where he was and give a Nazi salute.
Well, Gunther took my life partner to the Junior Prom.  He dated her the rest of the school year.  I went to the prom with Cornelia Crenlow. 
In the fall of my senior year It became apparent that Gunther was not just dating Desdamona. When she came back to school her slim little waist line was gone.
It had been replaced by a huge belly that you could have used for a picnic table when she was standing.  She was voted "most likely to explode" by her classmates.
At Christmas she left.  I never saw her again. 
I heard about her.  She had twins.
Siamese twins.  a boy and a girl.  I heard they were joined at the arms.
Since she waffled between Jehovah Witness and Christian Science in the religion department, the state ordered that they be separated before they reach puberty and accidentally have sex with each and have each other charged with incest.
Well, that is what I heard.
Nostalgia. (the good old days) 

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

"Celebrity Apprentice" is great Comedy as "The Donald" accidently fires himself.

I watched Celebrity Apprentice Sunday night.  I was a tad concerned what would happen if Melissa Rivers was fired. I was worried that someone my put up a big stinky about it.
Well I need not had worried.  Melissa exited with dignity, grace and decorum. Her mother also. 
I am not sure who is spray painted "Nazi back stabbing slut whore bitch pit viper" on Annie Dukes wall in the Trump Tower.   
Perhaps it was the little japanese guy with the black cowboy hat. I believe his name is Crint Brack.  I heard him say "kinishi wa you all".  Is this guy really Japanese?....huh?
Oh, my wife told me that he is a Country singer.  
What country? Japan? Hah!
My wife suspects he may have had a face lift. She suspects he never takes off his hat because he has a big ball of skin rolled up in a knot on the back of his head.  I cannot argue with that.
The fact is that there is so much plastic in the board room that if you added some splenda you could open up a Diet Pepsi bottling plant.
Joan Rivers looks like a duck. If she gets anything else added to her lips she will look like a platypus. I think her feet have been surgically webbed.  It is a good thing she has such a pleasant personality otherwise she would be a hurting unit.
Doesn't she have any real friends? Doesn't she have a mirror? Does her plastic surgeon
advertise "Visit Dr. Carver D. Butcher  and you can look like Joan Rivers."...Wow!!!
The Celebrity Apprentice is starting to look like a carnival freak show.
 Dennis Rodman is starting to look like a pretty normal guy.
Melissa and Joan are incapable smiling even if they had an urge to do so.
Crint looks like a Japanese guy who thinks the Japanese actually won WW II.
 Brande upper lip and chest are like cement.
Jessie James looks like he was dressed in a dark closet and Stevie Wonder picked out his wardrobe.
Chloe was fired because she drank and drove in Hollywood.  Something that is virtually unheard of there. After she was fired everyone went back to there room at Trump Towers and pop the champagne.
Ti Watkins did not volunteer to be fired. She volunteered to go to the board room with Melissa. She didn't have a big enough name and she did not stir enough crap to get the
audience attention. She was very efficient in a quiet way.  That does not attract an audience.  Your fired!!!
Natalie Gulbis was eye candy. smart, but she did not stir enough crap either. Your fired!
Annie Dukes is a professional poker player.  The Rivers Ravers have accused her of being deceitful. What a shocker there. Correct me if I am wrong but a poker player often has to be deceitful. They have to make you think they have a royal flush ace high when they have a pair of threes.  I think Annie is doing what she does best.

As for the  "Donald" , He is a legend.  He certainly is a legend in his own mind.
I am thinking that his empire is very fragile. He may be living in a house of cards and the next big wind will make it tumble.  He has been there before. Is he more shadow than substance. Time will tell.

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

The Real Me (Philosophically speaking)

 Philosophy: You would think someone with my mental acumen and wit would follow the philosophical thoughts of someone such as Sir Isaac Newton (The inventor of gravity and those tasty fig cookies) or some other profound thought processors such as Socrates, Aristotle or Ozzie Osborne.  

But, no!!! 

My philosophical admirations lean towards Garfield, Bugs Bunny, or the Pink Panther. While it is true that they are fictional cartoon characters, they embody the things in life that are important to me if only in a proverbial sense.

Garfield’s simple philosophical homilies can be wrapped in one statement which cuts right through the philosophical posturing and one-upsmanship by stating: “ Show me a good mouser and I will show you a cat with bad breath.”

On the other hand, Bugs often will ask the Philosophical Query, “What’s up, Doc?”  

 It is such a simple statement.  Yet, it cuts through the pretentiousness of current philosophical thought.

The Pink Panther? I just like the skip in his step.

Incidentally, my wife just told me that Isaac Newton did not invent gravity.  Hmmm! He must have improved it.  She said that an apple fell on his head and he started spouting stuff about gravity.

My wife also stated that the only thing that would have any significant mental impact on me would be an anvil falling on my head. I am not sure what she means.

This is the Philosophy of life.

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

Living healthy through diet and exercise

My wife and I are the subject of much discussion in the neighborhood. 
I say it is because of our healthy lifestyle.  she thinks it is because the neighbors think I am a little strange. 
 I say that a person should have fruits and nuts in their diet.
She tells me to bring on the fruit, We already have the nut.  She glares at me when she says this.
I am a problem solver. I did figure how to bring on the fruit and improve our diet and still have energy when we walk on the beach.
I went to the supermarket and purchased a couple of decent size watermelons which she thought was a pretty good idea. She did not know about "The Plan".

It works like this: cut the watermelon in half. wrap it in hefty gallon bag to prevent drippage.  put a small  long plastic tube into the watermelon. stuff it into your back pack. Do not forget to bring a plastic spoon. It will come in handy later.
My wife queried, "What are you doing?"
"Hah! We are going to test my new health idea."

Testing: So the next day I started down the beach. I happily sipped watermelon juice through the straw, feeling very energetic while doing.  The load was getting lighter as I sipped. 
Wow!  This idea is brilliant. 
After walking 3 miles up the beach I stopped at one of the public access points and sat on the gazebo. I opened up my bag took out my watermelon and spoon and started eating the rest of my watermelon. It was delicious on such a hot day.
Wow! This idea is brilliant. 
There seems to be a lot of seagull activity today.

Epilogue: I finally made it home.  My wife saw me  and she did not know whether to laugh or cry.  She chose a combination of both. She was laughing so hard that tears were rolling down her cheeks.
I was covered with dirt, dead fruit flies, seagull feces, feathers, jellyfish sting, and I was carrying two tickets from the Beach Patrol. One for killing seagulls and one for littering watermelon and they let me off easy. The people I ran over did not press charges.
It seems that seagulls really like watermelon. 
I thought I would once again multi-task the watermelon. It was such a hot day I put it on my head to keep my head cool. It did feel refreshing. As I walk down the beach the seagulls got bolder.  They started landing on my head and pecking on the watermelon.
I was fighting them off pretty well at first. after a few minutes I was simply outnumbered.  I started throwing dirt and seashell at them as I sprinted down the beach.  It was starting to remind me of an Alfred Hitchcock movie, but I was running so hard I couldn't remember which one. At one point I had so many birds on me I would trip and fall and crawl for a while.  It must have been at this point that the beach patrol spotted me.
They said they had never seen  a person crawl a five minute mile. 
It occurred to me that the watermelon might be an issue. so I ditched it.  I ran into the shallow water to get the crap off me but got stung by a jellyfish immediately.  I hopped out of the water  and the shore patrol caught up with me.
I think I have some fine tuning to do on my idea.

Life is not fair. In fact it is kind of hairy.

Once again I realize life is not fair. (see photo) 
If I walk around town with this hair style I would be sent to a nursing home, restrained and medicated heavily  and deservedly so, I might add.
Some mornings I get out of  bed, walk to the mirror, look at my hair and cringe.
I spend the next fifteen or twenty minutes combing, brushing, wetting it down, trying to find the part, try to make it straight.
I am glad my hair is only about a half inch long on top. 
I move down to my eyebrows.
My eyebrows grow faster than the hair on my head and they have no idea which direction to grow.
I often comment about Andy Rooney's eyebrows. I make comments like, "Doesn't he have a mirror or a friend?" 
The thing is, Andy knows about his eyebrows. It is one of his signature features.
I was clueless. This is often the case with me.
One Sunday night after Sixty Minutes and several eyebrow comments my wife said something about people with glass houses should not throw rocks, whatever that means.
I also have hairy ears.  I am thinking of getting my ears waxed.
My nose seems to have issues . strange hair growth there too.
I tried to grow a mustache once. bad idea. I looked like Hitler.  That was not the look I was going for. People were either staring at me or giving me one of those funny salutes.
I also tried a beard. After five weeks I gave up.  It looked like I had the mange. Maybe I did.
The weird thing is I have almost no hair on my chest. 
The last time I counted there were five.  I had six.  one fell off.  I saved it. 
I think it is a chest hair.  I think it is mine.