Wednesday, April 29, 2009

My first big crush ( a trip down memory lane.)

Desdamona Cameltoe where are you now?  You were my first crush.  That was in junior high school.  You were my dream girl.  
At thirteen I started planning my life as an adult. I had just ended a successful career in little league baseball.   I was going to move onto Junior league baseball, high school baseball and by the age of twenty I would be in the majors or at the very least triple A. 
You were to be my trophy wife. I was to have a lucrative career as the second baseman for the New York Yankees.
Something went horrible wrong.  Not something, Everything.

The first thing: I stopped growing. I was a dwarf among men at thirteen. My friends had strange voices that would change in the middle of conversations.  I still was squeaky.
second thing: curve ball. Little league didn't have to many curveballs unless you got a line drive to the crotch.
Third thing: While my height stagnated, you grew in every direction that was desirable.
I had admired  you from afar and you knew it.  I decided I would ask her to the Junior Prom.
After agonizing for three weeks with many restless nights trying to work up my courage I  decided I would ask her. I was sweating like a dog in a Chinese Restaurant.
I walked up to her  with knees shaking.  I babbled something like, " ...prom?"
She replied immediately. " Oh, sorry, Gunther Wartshlong just asked me five minutes ago."
Gunther Wartshlong was the token exchange student at our school. He was from Germany.  Gunther was tall, blonde, and a closet Nazi.  I knew this because I would wave at him and he would forget where he was and give a Nazi salute.
Well, Gunther took my life partner to the Junior Prom.  He dated her the rest of the school year.  I went to the prom with Cornelia Crenlow. 
In the fall of my senior year It became apparent that Gunther was not just dating Desdamona. When she came back to school her slim little waist line was gone.
It had been replaced by a huge belly that you could have used for a picnic table when she was standing.  She was voted "most likely to explode" by her classmates.
At Christmas she left.  I never saw her again. 
I heard about her.  She had twins.
Siamese twins.  a boy and a girl.  I heard they were joined at the arms.
Since she waffled between Jehovah Witness and Christian Science in the religion department, the state ordered that they be separated before they reach puberty and accidentally have sex with each and have each other charged with incest.
Well, that is what I heard.
Nostalgia. (the good old days) 

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