Monday, February 27, 2012

Clubbing with Stoners

I am seriously thinking of becoming a holy and righteous person.  
My next door neighbor told me that I should get my affairs in order. I told him I am not having any affairs to keep in order.  He mentioned something about December 21, 2012 being the end of time according to the Mayan calendar.
Oddly, my Penthouse calendar goes right up to December 31, 2012.  
Miss December is obviously totally in the dark on the impending fate of Miss January 2013.
But that is a different issue.

My question is: Should I trust the calendar of a civilization that destroyed themselves by being engaged in warfare with neighboring states and civilizations rather than taking care of business at home?  The Mayans used their natural resources to fight battles and wars.
Since I am a republican I must answer that question with a resounding "YES!"
Isn't that how this country has been managed in the 21st century?  I knew the scenario sounded familiar.
Well....anyway, since the world is coming to an end shortly, I better get my affairs in order and start living a holy and righteous life.
I sold all my stuff to my wife.  She says I have lost my mind. Hmmmm...I am going to have to get information on infidels and nonbelievers.

My neighbor has mentored me on bible passages.  He seems to be kinda stuck on Leviticus.
So far I have been introduced to some new rules to guide my life.
I will give you a few examples.
  • The bible says you cannot work the sabbath.   Sunday my neighbor and I went down to the St. Peter's church and threw some stones at the priest while he was giving communion and on the way home we pitched a few rocks at the cook at Kentucky Fried Chicken, but that was more about the food than the sabbath. That Mac and cheese was nasty.
  • Touching the skin of a dead pig is unclean.  I guess this is why the NFL has showers in their locker rooms.
  • Homosexual men are to be executed.(Lev 20:13)  No mention of homosexual women? 
  • Entrance into the assembly of the Lord was granted only to those with complete testicles. (Duet 23:1)   Say what?  What's happening there?  I will need the full set? For what?  Who's going to check it at the door?  That's a job you don't see posted very often.                                                                                                   Testicle checker: Must have experience.  Homosexual men need not apply. You will be executed. $11.50 per hour plus 401k and health plan.  Ask for Monica.
  • Children could be stoned for stubbornness - Deuteronomy 21:18,21.  I think this is a good rule.  We could throw sand at stubborn infants.
  • Handicapped people could not approach God.  Their presence would profane his sanctuary. (Lev 21:16-23) Ahh! This is good to know.  I don't want to see any blind dwarfs when I arrive in heaven but I better keep taking my glaucoma meds and stand up straight.
  • Yikes!!!!! In the bible (Samuel 17 25-27) Saul sells his daughter to David.  He didn't want dollars or shekels nor a dowry of goats and pigs.  Noooooo....! Saul wanted 100 foreskins from Philistine men.  David was a generous tipper so he gave 200 foreskin tips. Yeah.....and you thought tip meant To Insure Promptness.  Not so!!
  • I have a question that has really been bothering me.  My friend Darrell has been shaving and cutting the hair on his temples which is expressly forbidden in the bible.(Lev 19:27)  How do I kill him?  I do not care for beheading. It is too messy and I prefer group activities.  I would consider stoning him to death with friends, but my stone supply is about exhausted and I need a few for tonight.  We are going over to the Pink Playhouse men's club.  We plan on stoning an adulterer after the show. Hmmm! Perhaps we could invite Darrell and kill two birds with one stone. Pardon the pun. Was that a pun?   I will have to borrow a few shekels from my wife to get in to this den of sin. 
  • We were mulling the idea of sacrificing a virgin but that seemed so wasteful and we couldn't find any volunteers. I have seen old movies where they were going to sacrifice a virgin and it looked like a lot of fun.  All the shouting, dancing, singing and drinking tasty nectars looked interesting. It is very much like a Labor Day barbecue.
I have to go now. My neighbor is at the door.  He has a bag of stones and a  baseball bat. (Hank Aaron, Louisville Slugger model)
He wants to do some smiting before we go clubbing.  Yes, he said to bring a club. I guess his idea of clubbing is not the same as mine.

Monday, February 13, 2012

I see live people. (surrounded by family)

Whitney Houston will not be mentioned.

 I tried to have a Merry Christmas.  It didn’t happen.  I read my hometown newspaper online every day of the week.  Many of my friends and peers are mentioned in the newspaper lately. Sadly, it was in the obituaries: Ron, Jack, Barb, Dottie, and George.
I played little league with Ron and Jack. We graduated the same year. Dotty was also a classmate.  Barb was a good friend, but a year ahead of me in school.  George was a friend and at one time, my landlord.  They all died in a three week period around Christmas.
Life is a cycle, thus it stands to reason that I should prepare myself as best I can. Since I spent 9 months in a fetal position before I was born I decided to prepare for my impending life event before it was too late. 
I decided to get into a fetal position and wait my turn and ponder whether death is a life event. 
I waited....and waited.
Nothing happened!!.....hmmmm.
Perhaps I should rethink my situation. I will read their obituaries again and see if I can see a common thread that may have contributed to their unfortunate demise.
Ok....They were old. 
Well, I am not young but I certainly don’t feel old. I have a few dings, mostly chiming in my ears.
Yes, maybe occasionally I have achey body parts. Yes, I do need a computer, abacus, and a slide ruler to keep track of my medication. Yes, I am older than all of them. I am older than dirt.
I guess I can eliminate the olditude as a cause.
Maybe it was their location on the map that did them in.  
Nope, they were all over the place on the map.
Perhaps they were not feeling well. 
That’s it!
Luckily I feel fine.
Oh yeah,  Everybody has a little twinge of something going on in their body.  
Ummm...Does projectile vomiting and fainting 7 times in one day qualify as a little twinge? I have always been a fainter.  I like to refer to them as unscheduled naps.
I think it is my medication.  I may have to get it adjusttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttt....
Huh...oh...I’m back.  I think I just fainted. 
Something really bothers me about obituaries. They are real downers for everyone.
Read some obituaries. There is a lot of room for creative writing. 
George's obit was so grand, that one would have to rate his departure in the magnitude of importance somewhere between the death of Thomas Jefferson and the crucifiction of Jesus. George was a talented special guy, for sure.  It was well written and I think he got the praise he deserved.  It was wonderful to see that he was appreciated by his loved ones. George had a great obituary.
There are phrases in obits that I really find annoying.
"Surrounded by family and friends": When you are lying in bed, taking a nap and family and friends start surrounding you, get out of there or you will be dead soon. 
"He/she died peacefully":  Really? I am going out kicking, screaming and carrying on like mad dog. There will be nothing peaceful about it.  (whewww! I think I am going to faint)
Someone said obituaries would be much more interesting if it told how the person died.
"Mary Agnes Smith passed away today while texting a naked picture of herself while driving her Mini Cooper under an 18 wheel semi.  She was surrounded by her car."  
That is more interesting.
I stopped going to funerals and wakes.  I just hate it when the mourner try to say something nice about a deceased jerk.
He had a unique personality.  (He was nasty to everyone. Even the Pope wanted to slap him.)
He really knew how to paint the town. (Town drunk)
He will be missed. (Especially at the local taverns and county jail)
He was a real family man.  (Yeah...eleven kids by five different women)
Everyone loved her. (Especially men and on a regular basis for a small fee.)
He/she died doing what he/she loved. (Drinking, taking drugs)
She looks so natural. (Thank God, it's a closed casket.)
I guess I will have to move forward.  It isn't my time yet.  I actually have high hopes of a long life.  My annuity won't run out until 2066.  
I will be celebrating my 124th birthday that year.  You are invited to my party.  My mind will be as sharp as an unused guillotine. Some of my other parts may be a tad on the dull side. Please bring a gift accordingly. 
Some useful suggestions:  Prunes, Depends, Viagra, some doo wop music, fixodent, orthopedic socks, orthopedic shoes, orthopedic truss, orthopedic back brace, 16x reading glasses. hearing aids,  a life time subscription to AARP or two months worth; whichever last longest.  
I am good with Reader's Digest.   I am subscribed to that magazine until the year 2073.  After that they graciously gave me a free subscription for the rest of my life.
Do you think I should shorten up my annuity?  I have been feeling really goooooooooooo....
d lately. 
I'm back. What happened?
Where was I? Who was I?