Clubbing with Stoners

I am seriously thinking of becoming a holy and righteous person.  

My next door neighbor told me that I should get my affairs in order. I told him I am not having any affairs to keep in order.  He mentioned something about December 21, 2012 being the end of time according to the Mayan calendar.

Oddly, my Penthouse calendar goes right up to December 31, 2012.  

Miss December is obviously totally in the dark on the impending fate of Miss January 2013.

But that is a different issue.

My question is: Should I trust the calendar of a civilization that destroyed themselves by being engaged in warfare with neighboring states and civilizations rather than taking care of business at home?  The Mayans used their natural resources to fight battles and wars.

Since I am a republican I must answer that question with a resounding "YES!"

Isn't that how this country has been managed in the 21st century?  I knew the scenario sounded familiar.

Well....anyway, since the world is coming to an end shortly, I better get my affairs in order and start living a holy and righteous life.

I sold all my stuff to my wife.  She says I have lost my mind. Hmmmm...I am going to have to get information on infidels and nonbelievers.

My neighbor has mentored me on bible passages.  He seems to be kinda stuck on Leviticus.

So far I have been introduced to some new rules to guide my life.

I will give you a few examples.

• The bible says you cannot work the sabbath.   Sunday my neighbor and I went down to the St. Peter's church and threw some stones at the priest while he was giving communion and on the way home we pitched a few rocks at the cook at Kentucky Fried Chicken, but that was more about the food than the sabbath. That Mac and cheese was nasty.

• Touching the skin of a dead pig is unclean.  I guess this is why the NFL has showers in their locker rooms.
• Homosexual men are to be executed.(Lev 20:13)  No mention of homosexual women? 
• Entrance into the assembly of the Lord was granted only to those with complete testicles. (Duet 23:1)   Say what?  What's happening there?  I will need the full set? For what?  Who's going to check it at the door?  That's a job you don't see posted very often.                                                                                                   Testicle checker: Must have experience.  Homosexual men need not apply. You will be executed. $11.50 per hour plus 401k and health plan.  Ask for Monica.
• Children could be stoned for stubbornness - Deuteronomy 21:18,21.  I think this is a good rule.  We could throw sand at stubborn infants.
• Handicapped people could not approach God.  Their presence would profane his sanctuary. (Lev 21:16-23) Ahh! This is good to know.  I don't want to see any blind dwarfs when I arrive in heaven but I better keep taking my glaucoma meds and stand up straight.
• Yikes!!!!! In the bible (Samuel 17 25-27) Saul sells his daughter to David.  He didn't want dollars or shekels nor a dowry of goats and pigs.  Noooooo....! Saul wanted 100 foreskins from Philistine men.  David was a generous tipper so he gave 200 foreskin tips. Yeah.....and you thought tip meant To Insure Promptness.  Not so!!
• I have a question that has really been bothering me.  My friend Darrell has been shaving and cutting the hair on his temples which is expressly forbidden in the bible.(Lev 19:27)  How do I kill him?  I do not care for beheading. It is too messy and I prefer group activities.  I would consider stoning him to death with friends, but my stone supply is about exhausted and I need a few for tonight.  We are going over to the Pink Playhouse men's club.  We plan on stoning an adulterer after the show. Hmmm! Perhaps we could invite Darrell and kill two birds with one stone. Pardon the pun. Was that a pun?   I will have to borrow a few shekels from my wife to get in to this den of sin. 
• We were mulling the idea of sacrificing a virgin but that seemed so wasteful and we couldn't find any volunteers. I have seen old movies where they were going to sacrifice a virgin and it looked like a lot of fun.  All the shouting, dancing, singing and drinking tasty nectars looked interesting. It is very much like a Labor Day barbecue.

I have to go now. My neighbor is at the door.  He has a bag of stones and a  baseball bat. (Hank Aaron, Louisville Slugger model)

He wants to do some smiting before we go clubbing.  Yes, he said to bring a club. I guess his idea of clubbing is not the same as mine.