Whitney Houston will not be mentioned.
I tried to have a Merry Christmas. It didn’t happen. I read my hometown newspaper online every day of the week. Many of my friends and peers are mentioned in the newspaper lately. Sadly, it was in the obituaries: Ron, Jack, Barb, Dottie, and George.
I played little league with Ron and Jack. We graduated the same year. Dotty was also a classmate. Barb was a good friend, but a year ahead of me in school. George was a friend and at one time, my landlord. They all died in a three week period around Christmas.
Life is a cycle, thus it stands to reason that I should prepare myself as best I can. Since I spent 9 months in a fetal position before I was born I decided to prepare for my impending life event before it was too late.
I decided to get into a fetal position and wait my turn and ponder whether death is a life event.
I waited....and waited.
Perhaps I should rethink my situation. I will read their obituaries again and see if I can see a common thread that may have contributed to their unfortunate demise.
Ok....They were old.
Well, I am not young but I certainly don’t feel old. I have a few dings, mostly chiming in my ears.
Yes, maybe occasionally I have achey body parts. Yes, I do need a computer, abacus, and a slide ruler to keep track of my medication. Yes, I am older than all of them. I am older than dirt.
I guess I can eliminate the olditude as a cause.
Maybe it was their location on the map that did them in.
Nope, they were all over the place on the map.
Perhaps they were not feeling well.
Luckily I feel fine.
Oh yeah, Everybody has a little twinge of something going on in their body.
Ummm...Does projectile vomiting and fainting 7 times in one day qualify as a little twinge? I have always been a fainter. I like to refer to them as unscheduled naps.
I think it is my medication. I may have to get it adjusttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttt....
Huh...oh...I’m back. I think I just fainted.
Something really bothers me about obituaries. They are real downers for everyone.
Read some obituaries. There is a lot of room for creative writing.
George's obit was so grand, that one would have to rate his departure in the magnitude of importance somewhere between the death of Thomas Jefferson and the crucifiction of Jesus. George was a talented special guy, for sure. It was well written and I think he got the praise he deserved. It was wonderful to see that he was appreciated by his loved ones. George had a great obituary.
There are phrases in obits that I really find annoying.
"Surrounded by family and friends": When you are lying in bed, taking a nap and family and friends start surrounding you, get out of there or you will be dead soon.
"He/she died peacefully": Really? I am going out kicking, screaming and carrying on like mad dog. There will be nothing peaceful about it. (whewww! I think I am going to faint)
Someone said obituaries would be much more interesting if it told how the person died.
"Mary Agnes Smith passed away today while texting a naked picture of herself while driving her Mini Cooper under an 18 wheel semi. She was surrounded by her car."
That is more interesting.
I stopped going to funerals and wakes. I just hate it when the mourner try to say something nice about a deceased jerk.
• He had a unique personality. (He was nasty to everyone. Even the Pope wanted to slap him.)
• He really knew how to paint the town. (Town drunk)
• He will be missed. (Especially at the local taverns and county jail)
• He was a real family man. (Yeah...eleven kids by five different women)
• Everyone loved her. (Especially men and on a regular basis for a small fee.)
• He/she died doing what he/she loved. (Drinking, taking drugs)
• She looks so natural. (Thank God, it's a closed casket.)
I guess I will have to move forward. It isn't my time yet. I actually have high hopes of a long life. My annuity won't run out until 2066.
I will be celebrating my 124th birthday that year. You are invited to my party. My mind will be as sharp as an unused guillotine. Some of my other parts may be a tad on the dull side. Please bring a gift accordingly.
Some useful suggestions: Prunes, Depends, Viagra, some doo wop music, fixodent, orthopedic socks, orthopedic shoes, orthopedic truss, orthopedic back brace, 16x reading glasses. hearing aids, a life time subscription to AARP or two months worth; whichever last longest.
I am good with Reader's Digest. I am subscribed to that magazine until the year 2073. After that they graciously gave me a free subscription for the rest of my life.
Do you think I should shorten up my annuity? I have been feeling really goooooooooooo....
I'm back. What happened?
Where was I? Who was I?