Friday, July 9, 2010

English Things....

Headline: Queen is now a great grandmother.
Yikes!!!! Can someone pull the plug on that gene pool?
I am sure the family is gathered around little prince or princess and cooing and making funny faces at the kid. I am sure the kid is screaming because the people's faces are scaring him. He doesn't realize this is his destiny.
The Royal family is plain looking. The problem is the don't know it. They think they look great.
How else could you explain Prince Charles...the guy with the dumbo ears, dumping the gorgeous Princess Di? The explanation is: He thought she was funny looking. She doesn't
So he goes out and finds someone who looks like his mom or Aunt Maggie or Margaret Thatcher.
This mindset is similar to African tribes who put hockey pucks in their upper lips or ear lobes, necklaces that stretch the neck...or like Chinese women who had their feet bound. In upper class England ugly is considered beautiful.
I have concluded that the house of Windsor has done more to advance Darwin's theories than any bit of research or genetic theory ever put forth. It appears that the royal family has encouraged this form of "natural selection".

I think it all started when Charles Darwin went to Sweden and then Spain. He saw the royal families of both countries. He came back and did a paper and told other scientist, " Hey, the Queen of Sweden is a hot chick and those Spanish Princesses and Queen are gorgeous babes."
His colleagues jump up and hollered, " heresy...infidel..fool."
He showed pictures. His colleagues said, " You lie!!!!...photoshop...those are common people." His theories are not accepted by the royal family of English....TO THIS VERY DAY!!!!

While I am on the subject of English food....haggis?....blood pudding?...Kidney pie?...tripe?...curried goat brain?
Most countries eat stuff like pork lions, steak, chicken. not the English. They will wait outside of a slaughterhouse for hummingbird gizzards, skunk lungs, beaver intestines, or some other British delicacy. It will be served with an ugly veggie like deep fried turnip or baked brussel sprouts. Did I mention the piss warm ale?

I am sure there arm some tasty foods in England with the infusion of immigrants into the country. Something like linguine with a hummingbird gizzard sauce with a touch of rosemary. It is slowly moving in the right direction.

I cringe when I think about the American revolution. What if we had lost?
Joan Rivers, Rosie O'Donnell and Tory Spelling would be the ideal looking babe.
Spaghetti, pizza, and peanut butter sandwiches would be eaten in secret. Lawyers would wear wigs (that's not a bad idea). Everybody would be forced to move to Seattle so we could experience English like weather. Beauty schools and barbers would go out of business. You would have to go to Mexico to see a Dentist. Amy Winehouse posters would be everywhere. Big ears would be very fashionable.

I think the royal family should wear Burkas. The men should grow facial hair. Yes, they all should become Muslims.

Wow, I am sure glad we won, and none too soon I might add.
Don't get me started on the dogs of England.


  1. wow...what happened to you? Did someone slip you some vegemite when you weren't looking?

    (I also resent that the word verification word I got was "faten." Harumph. I resemble that remark!)

  2. Thank God, I thought I was the only one who thought this!

  3. Oh Jon, that's too funny. I especially love the dog.


  4. LOL! I love it! Great post, and SO true!


  5. Sometimes, you make me cry funny tears. Thanks.

  6. Sorry for being 'British' but i just had to comment ... Although i love our Royal Family i just had to laugh at what you had written funny .. Hope i dont get carted off to 'THE TOWER 'for that lol or hear the Queen shout 'off with her head ' i think i just might have to become one of your followers , you need laughter in this world today .. oh and 'haggis' is Scotish by the way and i hate all the other lovely British ingredients you have included .. Keep 'em coming funny ..