Thursday, September 29, 2011

Misinformation Hotline

One of our many experts. (only two actually)

Misinformation Hotline
from the Hemlock Institute

This is a service I will be providing to the American public starting October 1st (Mayday).  I will be answering questions based on my personal database and prejudice.  The answers have no basis in fact and if I have answered it factually it is totally accidental.


My first question is from J.R. in Wisconsin. 
She inquires:Was Obama really born in Kenya?

Answer:......HELLLOOOOOO!  Did you just crawl out of a cave.  Yes, It is a well established fact that he was born in Kenya. (SOURCE: Rush Limbaugh, Glen Beck)

Ms B.S. from California want to know: Do we really have the best healthcare system in the world?

Answer:HAARRUUMPPPPFFFF!!!! Apparently there is quite an elaborate cave system in California also.  Yes, B. S., We have the best health system in the world.
When I say "we", I am, of course, referring to the U.S. Congress. My source would be John Boehner.  The rest of the country? The best healthcare system? Not so much.

My next question is from Rick P. in Texas.  He says that Mexicans are coming across the border and stealing his jobs.  He wants to know what he can do about this travesty.

Answer: Well, Rick, It looks like you should find a different profession other than gardener, fruit harvester, or lawn maintenance because that is the jobs they are taking.  I suggest perhaps something in the customer service field.  perhaps you could be a greeter at Walmart.  Let me give you a little test.  Finish this statement.
"Do you want (a) flies (b) fries (3) to cry (d)all of these.....with your Whopper?"
There is no correct answer, Rick.  so feel free to answer honestly. (I'm lying..there is a correct answer.)

The next question is from H.H. in Connecticut.  
She ask (or aks) "My job has been outsourced to India, I think.  I went to my office this morning.  It was empty.  There was a phone # on the door telling me where I could pick up my severance pay.  I called and a girl named Brittany answered.  She had an Indian accent. I aksed where I could pick up my check and she said, "Bangalore...umm..Street"
There is no Bangalore Street in my town.  I checked on Google maps. What should I do?"

Answer:  Yes, you have been outsourced.  It is a new tradition in our country to put profit ahead of people.  I will give you some satisfaction to know that Brittany's job will be outsourced to China at the end of the year.  Indians are starting to demand a living wage.  What should you do?  Collect unemployment and welfare while the infrastructure of the U.S. of A. crumbles and Congress says, "Hmmm...What should we do? 
"Ummm...let's see.  There are many well educated people out of work, unable to pay their mortgage and the bridges, Highways and cities are crumbling.  I just don't see a solution.  This is really a conundrum.  Hey, since we are mostly lawyers maybe we should sue somebody.  I wonder what Rush Limbaugh would do?"

My next question is from a J. G. in NYC.  She ask the question, " We have the "No child left behind" concept at her son's school.  He cannot count to ten or write his name and he will be graduating in June.  What should I do?"

Answer: Not to worry, Miss G.  If your son can dribble a basketball he will be eligible for a scholarship.  He does not wish to go to college, he can probably get himself into the welfare system and be eligible for free education, housing, food, health care for himself and his 13 year old girl friend who is pregnant and will want a boob job after the birth of her third child in December.  
Note: The likelihood of him getting a job in this economy is nil anyway, so go with the flow.

My next question is from a Mr. O.J.S. who is currently incarcerated in a penitentiary somewhere in Nevada.  He would like to know how he could get in touch with Casey Anthony.  He would like to know if she is dating anyone. 
He states,"We seem to have a lot in common.  I am looking for someone who will help me find my wife's killer.  You seem to have a similar experience with the U.S. justice system."
Answer: At this time Casey is looking for someone to father her next victim..child. To become eligible send $1000 and a biography, pictures, DNA sample and a short video of you dancing to: Jose Baez, Orlando, Florida.  He will contact her after reviewing your application.

HEADLINE from the National Inquisitor: (THIS JUST IN!!!!) 
From Kim in Wisconsin
Dancing with the Stars, the Felony Edition will premier next season. So far they have lined up Casey Anthony to dance with John Walsh of America's Most Wanted
and they all ready pulled a coup when they got O. J. Simpson out on a work release program so he could dance with Lindsay Lohan.  Also Phil Spector will be out to dance with either Heidi Fleis or Tanya Harding.  Tanya, when asked about fellow competitor, Casey Anthony, She was heard to say, "I'd like to kneecap that bitch."
Nancy Grace will be dancing with Joran Van Der Sloot who will also be on a work release program in Peru.  They will do a very passionate Tango together. I hear he can do a killer Tango.

And one final question for today and it comes from Mr. C.S. of Hollywood, California.  He queries, " Is tiger's milk really good for you?"

Answer: "Yes, it is Charlie.....errrr..Mr.C.S., It is very good for you. The deal is,  if you are the one milking the tiger, you probably don't need it."

Well, if anyone needs any questions answered by the Hemlock Institute, feel free to submit a question.  I will answer it.
A good idea!! If you are tall!!!

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