Saturday, November 28, 2009

Random thoughts on aging

I am truly confused about myself. I discovered yesterday that I am only interested in being a senior citizen when it is convenient for me. I can go from giddy when I get my senior citizen discount to deeply annoyed when the waitstaff doesn't even ask me if I am a senior citizen. They just look at me and give it to me.
My wife and I went out for Thanksgiving dinner. We had a great server/waitress. She was almost perfect. We received our food and drink very quickly. She was very discreet. she was not the type of waitress that will stop at your table 37 times and ask, "How is everything?" and we answer her while my food is flying into my wife's face.
"Leave us alone! we are trying to eat."

Our waitress discreetly gave us our check and said, "Your senior citizen discount has been calculated into your bill."
My wife turned to me and said, "What a great waitress. Give her a good tip."
I glared at my wife. "What?" she queried.
Me:"She just insulted you, that nasty hashhauling soup slinger."
Wife:"Huh??" Me: "She just called you old and you are a few years younger than I am and I am not old. I am sure my she is not aware that I have to get up five times a night to go to the bathroom. I am sure she doesn't know that I have to remember where I put my glasses and teeth . I do not look old."(Deep breath here) "sure I have a few dings. I have a few gray hairs but I don't do what old people do, but must be falling apart.... and I am so close I haven't noticed. Kinda like you can't see the forest through the trees. I must take a step back."
Wife: "You have finally demented coot".
After more delightful banter, I left the.....waitress a 20+% tip.

This is the way it has been going.
On my birthday, my wife and I went out to eat. There were three ladies have a great time nearby. It was mentioned that it was my birthday. They ask me how old I was. I told them and they said, "Happy Birthday." .....That's it!!!
They did not say: "Oh, don't lie to us. You are much younger." No!!!! Just..."Happy Birthday."

Six months earlier I got "carded" at a Dunkin Donut's to prove I was a senior citizen. Really!!! I haven't been back there.
Perhaps I should not make a big deal about the senior citizen tipping, but I think it is too late. I think it is beginning to affect my wife.
The last couple of days my wife has been acting like an old person.
She is chewing on something...but she actually has nothing in her mouth.
She goes to the pharmacy and looks for purple hair tints. she walks to shoe stores and buys slippers. I think I am losing her. She has aged overnight. I will know I have lost her if she starts talking and thinking about "poop". The is the ultimate telltale sign.

Incidentally, I have a good "poop" website if anybody is interested. It will tell you everything you want to know. Really.


  1. I must know about the poop web son (who is not an old coot) is obsessed with poop.

    Thanks for the information, old man. :)

  2. Really? wow! That is great, Bev. I will send the link. Perhaps We can get together and start our own website. We could call it "The scoop on poop."
    or "Deuce Droppers Diary"