Friday, March 6, 2015

The Hemlock agency (Profiler extraordinaire)

J. Hemlock
Street address
City, State, Zip

Hemlock muttering:
"Hmmm! let's see how this looks.  I certainly don't want bad fonts.
This looks okay.  I will finish it and send it to the printer."

Little French Lady interjects: (looking over Hemlock's shoulder.)
"What now, Sherlock?"

JH; "Profiling.  I am starting a new career.  I can do this.  I have read two books by John Douglas, the famous FBI profiler and one by Pat Brown.  Douglas profiled the Green River killer and the killer was caught."
LFL: "Yeah, they caught him, I'll give you that.  It took over 30 years and he slaughtered half the state of Washington."
JH:"What about Pat Brown, the female profiler?"
LFL:"I read her book, The Profiler.  Everyone she profiled is still walking the street."
JH: "The wheels of justice turn slowly."
LFL: "So who killed JFK?"
JH: "Hitler! Shave that mustache, who do you have? Lee Harvey Oswald, that's who!"
LFL:"Who killed Oswald, Sherlock?"
JH:" Elementary, Watson…umm, it was Jegdar Hover. Clearly the body shape of this so called Jack Ruby is identical to Jegdar Hover.
LFL: (rolling eyes) "Jegdar Hover?  Who's that?"
JH: "He is the crossdressing butterball who was director of the FBI."
LFL: "Oh…You mean J. Edgar Hoover."
JH: "What…ever!  Hey, did you know that the FBI has almost as many fingerprints as KKA?"
LFL: "KKA?"  JH: "Kim Kardashian's ass!"
LFL: "Are you working on any new cases, Inspector Clouseau?"
JH: "I am.  I am sending some information to the FBI about the Finkleburg suicide."
LFL: "Suicide?  I thought this guy was beheaded and both his hands and feet were cut off.  How can that be a suicide? IT WAS MURDER!!!"
JH:"I haven't worked out all the details yet, but it was suicide. I know people"
LFL:"You are so obtuse and clueless. Remember the incident at the beach gazebo Monday. You soiled yourself when the big black guy dressed in black sneezed.  You ran up the beach hollering "Serial Killer,  serial Killer." You almost created an incident.  A profiler indeed."
JH:  "How did I know he was a black Catholic priest.  That does not exclude him from being a serial killer or a pedo guy."
LFL:"OMG!!!!!…give it up!"
JH: "Hell, no!  I am good at this profiling thing.  See that guy walking down the street.  I will profile him.  He is a fisherman who is gay.  He has an artificial limb and he talks with a lisp.  He drives a 1965 Kharman Ghia and his hobby is killing squirrels. He is going to the beach to get rid of the body he has in that white bag he is dragging behind him."
LFL: "Oh, that wasn't too bad.  Yes,  He is a fisherman.  That is our neighbor Kevin going fishing.  I think the fishing pole was a clue there.  Everything else…wrong! The white bag with the body is actually his dog, Meg.  He is taking Meg fishing.  His wife, Wendy will be surprised to find out that he is gay and has an artificial limb."
JH: "Profiling is not an exact science.  You don't hit the bullseye every time. I think I am due for another eye exam."
LFL: "Well, Charlie Chan.  You had better find another career.  Perhaps you can become an internet troll. You know nothing about profiling.  You can't even define profiling."
JH:"Sure I can.  When you see an Irish guy….think of a drunk.  A Jewish guy….cheap.  A Chinese guy…smart.  An Arab guy….terrorist.  Do you want me to go on?"
LFL:"No, no!! You're…..unbelieveable!!!!…You should consider psychotherapy."
JH: "Can you take classes for that?  I may be too old to start.  Maybe next semester."

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