Sunday, February 15, 2015


I started to journal a year ago.

April 1, 2014 (Journal entry)

I awoke this morning with a cranium packed with mirthful schemes to make this an exciting April fools day.  (I wonder if people are going to buy this story?  I just won't mention to anyone that it is August 20th.)

Perhaps I will do the old "dog poop in a bag" trick.  This could be problematic.  We do not have any paper bags.  We have plastic bags.  We always used to be asked "paper or plastic?"  The clerk doesn't ask any more.  The groceries are shoved into a thin plastic bag which disintegrates half way to your car.

The LFL (little french lady) decided to smear the doggie doo all over our neighbors door handle.  This is actually more efficient.  My back up plan was to paint his house with a new shade of paint called limburg cheese.  When it dries in the sun…yum, yum!!
We will go with my plan.

You cannot buy this at Sherwin Williams.
I will report the results in my next journal entry.  Tomorrow…..April 2nd.

August 20,2014 (oops), April 2nd, 2014 (Journal entry)

Ummm…I forgot to factor in the wind with the Limburg cheese…ummm paint.  It doesn't smell good especially in the heat. I should have remembered this from college.  Someone put Limburg cheese on the radiators in the communal shower room in the dorm.  No one took showers for weeks.  The Agricultural students were not even allowed into the dorm.  They already were stinky.

We have rented a motel for a few weeks or until the essence abates.

April 3rd, 2014 (Journal entry)

I am sitting here drinking my morning coffee and reading the paper.  I read that they have the Ebola virus under control in West Africa.  The Israeli and the Palestinian are getting along well and since the American left Iraq everything is running like a well oiled machine.  Well…finally some good news!!!

April 4th 2014 (Journal entry)

Some nights I have trouble sleeping.   I think about things.  Since the Limburg incident my wife (LFL) has been cooking strangely, but this morning she has explained her logic.

We have been eating beans, pickled eggs, cabbage, bananas, prunes, broccoli and cauliflower to name a few items.
"Why?", I queried
The little french lady reasoned: If we can't get rid of the Limburg cheese smell, we can use it as subterfuge to get rid of our flatulent inducing foods.   I like the way this lady stinks thinks.    She also mentioned a couple of benefits from this.  We are heating our house with gas this week and we haven't had many visitors.  The Jehovah Witnesses did not stay long at all.  They just kinda threw a Watchtower at us and ran.  I hollered, "Bless You."

The wife always said, "When life give you a lemon make lemonade."
We did.

April 5th, 2014 (Journal entry)

Speaking of subterfuge, it is getting more difficult to fool my wife.  I have told her I was journaling every day.  I haven't written a word in about 130 days.  Hmmm,   maybe I shouldn't write this into my fake journal.
I have been doing things.  I have read a whole bunch of books.  Most of them don't have pictures.  I have my socks all rolled and my underwear and T-shirts have never looked neater.  I put them in color order after I ironed them.  The LFL doesn't like flatirons.  I do.  

Sometimes I am a tad obsessive compulsive.  I once asked the guy who was in charge of the cemetery how much work it would be to put the grave stones in alphabetical order.  He said, "A lot. You would have to dig up all the bodies."
But not really.  Who would know? Who would care?  I had him thinking for a few minutes.  So I have been doing things that require deep thought.

April 6th 2014 (Journal entry)

I have been thinking about my autobiography.  I think I will have someone write it for me. LFL says "No,  That will be a biography."  I told her I will call my friend, Stephen King.  He will help me.
She said, "Good luck with that one."  I decided not to call.  I may need some help at some point.
I can't call my friend, Stuart Woods.  We're not on speaking terms. Never were.  I asked him to help me out of a writing dilemma. (My main character, Colt Brandisher, has a bullet racing towards his head in the first paragraph.)  He actually emailed me and said, "You got yourself into this, get yourself out."

Thanks, big boy!!  Colt is as good as dead.

April 7th 2014 (Journal entry)

My OCD is acting up again.  I cannot read a book without putting every word in alphabetical order and I demanded to the LFL that my alphabet soup only have vowels. It is slow going.  I have washed the cat three times today.  I am ready to wash her again but I can't find her.
I am trying to get the LFL to become a lawyer.  We watch Judge Judy and the Peoples Court every day.  She has learned a lot about the law in the USA.    The problem with LFL is; She would have many of these people executed for stupidity.  She could probably do the Doctor Phil show too. We often turn each other and ask, "Where do they find these people?   Crazies!!!!!

I think I am getting caught up on my blogging.

I would love to write more but I have used up my supply of vowels for the day.
Gxttx gx!!!

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