Saturday, February 14, 2015

It is what it is…and other meaningful thoughts.


The solution to many of life's problems can usually be solved by a little creativity.  In fact the little French lady and I thought of a solution to one of our major complaints.

We thought it would be a wonderful idea if the state and federal powers would make it legal for a citizen to shoot another citizen that was texting while driving or talking on their cellphone.  We quickly realize that our logic was flawed.  We simply could not afford that much ammunition to get the job done.

Would anyone be surprised if Bruce Jenner came out and said he was raped by Bill Cosby?
Would anyone be surprised if Bruce Jenner came out with a women's sports clothing line for big muscular women at Target?
Would anyone be surprised if Bruce Jenner's rear end collision was not his first?
Would it surprise you if Bruce said to (step-daughter) Kim Kardasian,  "How long are you going to drag that big ass around?"…  and he was talking about Kanye West.

Moving on
3 dots is considered good grammar, 4…not so much.  There is a name for three dots. Ellipsis.
Ellipsis?….Huh!…?  Oops!

My bank problem.  My bank charged me an overdraft fee.  They know that I already don't have enough money.  They told me.  Why are they charging me?  Don't they get it?  Obtuse or what?

My wife asked me why Tarzan doesn't have a beard.   Does anyone have an answer?

I must be getting old.  I purchased a term life insurance policy.  The first payment was higher than the face value.   This might be a bad investment.

Zen sarcasm:
Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the hell alone.

Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.

If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

Life at home:
My wife hid my air guitar.

I just read a book about the Stockholm Syndrome.  It wasn't very good at first but towards the end I kinda liked it.

My wife sent me out to buy some cheap meat.  I returned with  10 pound of deer testicles.  I got them cheap…..under a buck.

My budding writing career.

I have been thinking about writing my autobiography.
No….no!!! Not the one that says….Jon went to his eternal whatever today surrounded by his family.
"Hey…why are you surrounding me?…back up!!!!"
That is called an obituary.

I want mine to start like James Michener novel and end like the bible apocalypse.  Both excellent fiction, just like my autobiography.  Oh, I can throw in a few seeds of truth and see what falsehood I can propagate from that,  just like Brian Williams.

Today I went to my blogger profile page to update my biography.  I quickly realized that nothing has changed.  I am as boring as I was in 2009.

I was going to add a couple of things but I already had enough information.  You don't really need to know about my bowel movements. NOTE: calculating bowel movement when you are a senior citizen is an inprecise science.  Maybe it should be considered an art, not a science,  but I digress in my babbling.

Let me do a personal inventory of my life since 2009.
I am older,  I have less hair,  I do not see as well,  I do not hear as well.  I have a new cat and a new wristwatch.  That's it!!!   Some of my friends have had some great adventures.   I could steal their lives.

I will write their lives. It will be great.
Sadly, I will not be able to go on any book tours after it is published.
I am not a good liar.  I could not stand in front of an audience and lie.
I would start to sweat profusely, stutter like crazy, hysterical weeping, diarrhea, and projectile vomiting may be involved.

I think I can do this writing thing.  My friends, James Patterson and Ernest Hemingway John Grisham agree.

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