Sunday, February 8, 2009

Get off my lawn

Tips on how to make your neighbors nervous: 

Lately the urge to be Clint Eastwood has again overwhelmed me.  
I have been thinking of calling the local radio station and asking to "Play Misty for Me".   I suspect they will not be doing it any time soon since they are a rap station.
I have been controlling these urges as best as I can without medication.  I do not want to alarm my wife but I now feel I must be my genuine self or as I like to be  referred to at the supermarket "Clint"  or simply "Mr.  Eastwood".
This morning I realized things may be getting out of hand and my neighbors may need counseling.  I stepped outside to get the paper and  Scott, who was getting his own paper, smiled and said "Hi".  I growled, " get off my lawn".  He mumbled something about being neighborly and went into his residence.  I don't know what came over me.
The thing is, I don't have a lawn.  Scott does not have a lawn.  No one in our Condo complex has a lawn.
There has been a few other telltale signs that I am becoming more Eastwoodish daily.
I have tossing out an occasional "make my day", a few "Do you feel lucky, punk, Well, do you?" and I say this to total strangers at Walmart or Denny's or  other high end establishments.  I told my wife that she could call me "Dirty Harry" or  "The Man with no name".   She calls me "The Man with no life".  
For this error in judgement I will have to exact some fiendish revenge much in the style of  The assassin that Clint played in "Eiger 'Sanction".  
My plan is to pull my pants up so the waist of my pants is right at the nipple line.  I will add some red suspenders and a bow tie and I will pretend I am Clint Eastwood doing an imitation of Larry King.  I will say things like, "In the next hour on the Clint Eastwood Show I will pistol whip the pope". 
I will do this while checking out at Walmart.
Wow, This even scares me a little.