Thursday, December 22, 2011

Olditude (and how to deal with it)

I am sure you have heard of the movie where the young boy says, "I see dead people."
Not me!  I see old people.  They are everywhere.  You can't avoid them.

A lot of these people think they are dead people, or act like dead people, but they are somewhat alive.  I think the Republicans are trying to phase them out in the same manner as they are trying to eliminate the middle class.
I see dead people...or ice.

I get a little nervous about this because the Republicans in congress are talking about a "Swift proposal".  I didn't get alarmed until I realized that they had capitalized "Swift".
Huh, like the name Swift as opposed to doing something quickly.  This must be Congressman Al Swift from Washington state.  I called Al on the phone... no answer. Turns out he retired in 1995.  So I googled Swift proposal. What came up alarmed me.   It referred to Jonathan Swift's "A Modest Proposal."
This can't be good.
The word on the street is: Pfizer has come up with a tasty formula for Soylent Gray and your younger senators and congressmen are buying pfizer stock like it was going out of style.

Martha Stewart, you can't buy this stock.  This is inside information. Your rep in congress can buy this stock.  OK?....No?  Too bad for you! You don't want to go back to jail and make more burlap dresses, do you?

Moving on to other  new "old business".
Recently a fellow blogger was talking about an "old" friend's problems.  The moral of the story was; "Don't get old."  Actually I prefer "old" to the alternative of not getting old.
Yes, it is fraught with obstacles and hoops that you have to jump through when you are least able to deal with it.  Such things as health insurance, driving after dark, getting my senior citizen discount at KFC or Dunkin Donuts, keeping track of my medications, convincing people my mind is as sharp as it ever was, getting my senior citizen discount at KFC or Dunkin Donuts.....ummmm...getting my.... and other things.

New "New business": This comes under the heading of helpful hints for a happy senior citizen. (AKA: Old coot, curmudgeon, geezer, ye olde farte, walking fossil) and that is just the guys!!!
Here we go.
Hint: Never take a laxative and a sleeping pill the same night.
Be prepared for nasty comments from people you least expect it from.
example: My wife told me to iron the shirt that I was wearing.  It was too wrinkly.
The thing is; I was not wearing a shirt.

Open for debate: Wouldn't obituaries be a lot more interesting if it told you how the person died?
Guy stuff? shirts get dirty, underwear get dirty, socks get dirty.  Pants (trousers) never get dirty and you can wear them forever.
End the debate: Is the glass half full or half empty? George Carlin said the glass was too big, no more philosophical debates. subject closed.
Yeah, Really?....I am tired of watching the Miss Universe contest.   Every year Miss Earth wins, Alpha Centauri wasn't even mentioned, no Romulan women, no Vulcan women, Venus, the planet of Love....not mentioned.  I think the fix is in again this year.

Ahead of their time: Books that were not allowed in my school in 1960.

  • "The boy who died from eating all his vegetables"
  • "Dad's new wife, Robert."
  • "That's it, I'm putting you up for adoption."
  • "Strangers have the best candy."
  • "Lolita"
Yet another philosophical question: I just read about a funeral home that burned down.
Sadly, there was someone's dear one waiting to be cremated when it burned down and he was accidentally cremated.  My question is: How much should they charge the family of the deceased for their services?

Hysteria!!!  Did you cry when Kim Jung il died? I must say I did get caught up in the television coverage?  (OMG....WTF???...sniff..sniff..sob..sob!)
My wife and I wept  and wailed shamelessly.  Our neighbors came over to find out what was wrong.  They left in tears. We are not sure whether they were laughing or crying.

A review of Republican candidates:

Rick Perry: OMG!!!!...He makes George Dubbaya seem like a Rocket Surgeon. It must be the drinking water in Texas.
Mutt Romney? He lost me when he told a gay soldier that the writers of the constitution were against gay marriage.  Really?  I just perused the constitution.  I must be missing a page; it must have to be with the section that solves the slavery problem, and the women's rights problem.
Could someone mail me that page? I seem to have lost that one.
Herman Cain:  A black president? Never happened.  Where was he born?
Michelle Bachmann: She is much cuter than the other candidates. Other than that, a big "L",  as in Loser.
All others: Pathetic....

But seriously.....  There actually is A VERY GOOD BLOG FOR SENIORS.  It is "Suddenly Senior" by Frank Kaiser.  Even people who are not senior citizens should take a look.  Hopefully some day you will be a senior citizen.  This blog covers a lot of territory.  Some very serious topics, some not so serious.
Frank says he is old as dirt.  In fact, he knew dirt when it was still a rock.

OK...I feel better now.  I am so over Kim Jung il.  No more weeping shamelessly although I must admit I am a little misty eyed...but life goes on.

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