Thursday, August 27, 2009

Aging with grace and other lies

Where did the years go? I just filled out something on the internet where you have to put in your age. The day and the month were easy. It took me twenty minutes to scroll down to the year. The strange thing is; I feel pretty darn good. I mean if I don't make any quick movement and don't venture to far away from a toilet, I'm fine. In fact, I have my body functions so well in sync, I can make it to a toilet with milliseconds to spare.
I have taken good care of my body. I can usually walk without a limp. I can lift my left shoulder over my head. This is good for waving and stuff like that. My right arm is ok.
I mean it looks ok, just don't ask me to do anything with it such as lift. The fingers work fine. My sciatica doesn't bother much. My hips are feeling much better since I retired.
My head: I see fine out of my right eye. The eye drops twice a day keep the glaucoma at bay. My left eye, everything is a big smudge. right ear good, left ear; not so good.
The 3 pills a day keep my Cholesterol, BP, and Triglycerides at bay. So....I am really feeling great. This is par for the course for someone 67 years old.
Growing old is not for the young.
Different things matter when you get older. The senior citizen discount is one of them.
I earned it. I made it. My wife and I were regular customer at Dunkin Donuts. I always asked for the senior citizen discount. Then things changed. One day I put in our usual order and I again asked for senior citizen discount. The clerk had an attitude that day. She wanted proof that I was a senior citizen. she wanted to see my ID. Yup, I got carded to buy a donut. The discount age is 55. I was 66.

My Birthday. A good birthday. one could say a great birthday. It was perfect. an eventful day. well, it was almost perfect. The helicopter ride was great. The Aquarium was great. the companionship was wonderful. Things started to come unravelled at the restaurant. we had three ladies sitting at the next table. They seemed to be very talkative and really seemed to be enjoying themselves. laughing and carrying on. my wife told them it was my birthday. one of the ladies ask how old I was. I told them. They said Happy Birthday....That’s it!...They didn’t say “no,no impossible, you are much younger.” or, “oh stop it, If you are going to lie about your age, make it believable.” nothing like that, nothing...I cried myself to sleep that night.

Stuff like that gets me a little edgy. There are other things that are more alarming. I fell asleep in the chair last week. I woke up and my wife had a mirror under my nose. I asked her what she was doing. "I was checking to see if you were breathing." I was. a similar thing happen yesterday at the beach. I have the capability of holding my breath for a long time. I have often stayed under water for a while. The other day my wife yanked me by the hair and pulled my head up. She asked, "Are you OK?" I was.

The last incident was the most terrifying. I couldn't sleep so I went downstairs and slept on the couch. I got up in the middle of the night and went to the half bathroom. I did what I had to do, got up to flush, I checked to make sure everything came out ok. A person does that when they get older. Everything was not all right. Part of My intestines had come out and were in the toilet. I was overcome by panic. I stuffed my intestines back in me the best I could. Prolapse intestine. that's what it was. I hollered to my wife. Woke her and told her to call 911. She wanted to know what happen. I told her.

"You fool.!!! You just stuffed chicken gizzards up your butt. I forgot to flush them after I cleaned the chicken."

It took me two days, a mirror, a pair of plier, and ex-lax to get straightened out. "am I ok?" I am!


  1. "It took me 20 minutes to scroll down to the year". I'm 71 so it normally takes me about 25 minutes.

  2. LOL...
    I know the feeling.
    I will be 60 next month and even though I feel 30-ish, everything is going to hell in a handbasket.
    "I can make it to the bathroom with milliseconds to spare..."
    Too funny.
    I have to know where EVERY bathroom is when I go out shopping.
    Sometimes I don't have those few extra seconds!!
    What a great post.

  3. yeah, I know the feeling. They sure would save us a lot of time if they just had us type the 42 after the preprinted 19, rather than going through all that scrolling,- I mean, they are really just up over the w and the r keys.