This week I realized that I may have found my niche in life. I discovered this by watching the news. There is definitely a segment of the population that needs my help.
That is why I am starting a life coach service for people over fifty and under one hundred. This will qualify Larry King and Andy Rooney for my services.
At least you guys get a couple of years out of this service.
The services I will be providing will help you with your transition.
A few words about personal appearance. The fact is: You are now over 50 and you are expected to dress a certain way.
- You can now part your hair in the middle.
- comb overs are no longer frowned upon.
- stop trimming your eyebrows.
- When wearing black pants, wear brown shoes
- wear short white sox.
- If your pant inseam was 36 before you reached 50, after 50 have them shortened to 32. Your body will shrink into as you age. Be prepared. You will "grow" into them. Maybe.
- It is now acceptable for you to walk around with your fly open.
- When you buy trousers make sure the belt line comes within 2 inches of your nipples.
- Suspenders are not only acceptable but encouraged.
- You will not really need to comb your hair any more. If you decide to comb it you can use Brycreem or Vitalis. Nothing else is acceptable.
- Personal scents: Mennon skin bracer, Aqua Velva or pee is acceptable.
- Teeth (optional)
One of the first lessons you must learn when you get to this stage is never let anyone know how healthy you really are. When you come back from your yearly physical and someone has the nerve to ask how it went, just say, " The Doctor found nothing." Then limp away slowly, mumbling about "Quacks" and cough slightly, pound your chest softly, bend over and put your hand on a railing, car, chair to steady yourself.
When checking out at any store of any kind (even toy stores) ask with pleading eyes, "Do you have senior citizen discount?"
When confronted by obnoxious clerk/wait staff at a store or eatery, I say, " I can do a back flip. Would you like to see it?" That is my store approach.
When out on the street I put my hat on the ground and play my harmonica. Many people have paid me to stop. It works great at the beach. It works even better with a saxophone.
Well, This is a start isn't it? I will be getting back to you with more great tips such as:
How to use denture cream as a useful tool. (It is kinda like the WD40 for people over 50.)
Since this probably your first attempt at growing old, these hints should be very helpful.