Monday, August 16, 2010

a second opinion

Misadventures in Living Healthy

I went to my doctor's appointment a few days ago. We chatted about various subjects including my health. He is very chatty and I was his first appointment of the day. Things seem to go really well. I scheduled my next appointment.
On the way home I was reviewing my conversation with the doctor. I knew my wife would ask me how things went at the doctors. Then I remembered!!!!!!......He asked me if I wanted to be buried or cremated.......WHAT!!!!!!

Yikes!!!!...I must have missed something.
My wife ask me the same question a few weeks ago.
Should I be looking for some real estate about 6x6x6 with a nice overhanging oak nearby.
Maybe I should get a third opinion or change doctors. I asked my doctor for a second opinion and he said ,"Ok, Your ugly too!!!" This was not comforting.
I asked him what I had? He said, "A big ugly nose with hair coming out of it, crooked teeth and bushy eyebrows."
I told him that the teeth were dentures. The dentist design them crooked. He said it matched my face and personality.
"No! No! I am talking about my health." " Ok!!!Ok!!!! I'll take another look, stand up, please."
That really annoyed me because I was standing up......

Yeah!!!...I will be looking for another doctor. This guy didn't have a good bed side manner. I asked him if I could get some viagra. He said, "No, The best I can do for you is have the receptionist give you a hernia exam." which she did.

Doctor's visit aside, my thinking is that I am feeling fine so I think I will be having an accident. Hmmm! I guess I will have to change my underwear every day.
I have had two already this week. I knocked myself out while changing the litter. It wasn't the smell.
There is a shelf above the litterbox. When I stood up I hit my head on the corner of the shelf and rendered myself senseless. When I regained my senses, my cat, Wilson was giving me a dirty look. He probably was wondering why I was sleeping with my head in his litterbox.
No major brain damage to me, but then who would know. My wife thinks I am about ready for an assisted living facility. Some times I am.
The previous day from my litterbox accident I got my elbow skin caught in the crease of the folding door. I had my hands full so I pushed on the door with my elbow. I pushed in a bad spot. right in the fold. The door fold closed on the skin of my elbow.
ouch!!! ouch!!!
Before that, someone tried to back over me at Sam's Club.
Well...I'm lying. He actually backed into my cart of groceries. I was standing between the groceries and the car trunk. Ouch!....I think I have two spleens now.

This morning I wanted to go out front and trim the hedge in front of our condo. My wife just shook her head. She had a vision of me with a hedge trimmer.
She just said, "Why don't you save me all the suspense. Go get some sharp knives, put them in your pocket, put some scissors in your mouth, soak your self in gasoline, light up a cigarette and jump off the balcony."

This upset me. She knows I don't smoke.
I haven't smoked since I set the car on fire when I threw my cigarette out the front window. How did I know it reenter the vehicle through the back window? How did I know that it would smolder then burst into flame?
Well, my Uncle Pete could have told me. He was sitting in the back seat making sure that the gas for the lawn mower didn't tip over.

I think Uncle Pete just likes adventure. He is the same guy who came to my house when my pipes froze. He came to thaw them out. We got into the crawl space and started heating the pipes. After a couple of minutes of heating the copper tubing he turned to me and said, "Hmmm, these are the wrong pipes I have been heating. This is the propane pipe. I should be thawing the water line."
A second opinion would have been nice about two minutes ago.

This is what you might call a "defining moment" of your life. This seemed like a rather significant oversight.

Does the words: Fried, crispy critter, self immolation for non religious purposes, have any significants to you, Uncle Pete?

Uncle Pete says,"We better get out of here. I smell something funny."
Well....Yeah!!....I just crapped my pants.


  1. Quite the adventure you had with your Uncle Pete and the pipes. Yikes!


  2. yes! loads of adventure!! {mingle} :)

  3. LOL! You just made me laugh out loud at your tales of impending disaster :) That's a little warped!

    :: mingle ::