I learned everything I know about the law from my Television.

Litigation can be fun.

My wife and I like to watch the People's Court and Judge Judy. These two judges are very different but both are very effective.

A little background on the judges:

Judge Judy's forte is not pleasantness. The moment her show comes on the air you will notice that this probably will not be a pleasant experience for either the Plaintiff or the defendant. In fact, during the pre-show introduction phase, she stands before the camera with arms crossed with a smile that looks painful.

After the litigants are introduced she will start cross examining them. If it she had her way the litigants would stand at attention and look her in the eye, not move, not blink, and answer the question that was asked. But sometimes the litigant want to filter what the judge will here. It will sound something like this:

Litigant: "I would like to give you a little background information before I answer that question, your Honor." (smile)

Judge Judy:(YELLING) "Answer the question I asked, You idiot."

Litigant: But...!(smile gone)

Judge Judy:(YELLING) " Is that your witness? (woman dressed like a hooker)Don't you know how to dress for court? This is not some street corner. cover yourself up.....idiots!"

Witness: but....!

Judge Judy: (POUNDING GAVEL FURIOUSLY) Shut up! get her out of here.

The thing about Judge Judy is that she is a very savvy and clever judge. She can get people to say things they wish they had not said. She doesn't give them time to invent an answer. she brow beats them to answer immediately. They get caught in their own web of lies.

She is rough. I don't think she spends a lot of time explaining the law, but if you watch her program you can learn a lot about the law. She just doesn't explain it to you in black and white all the time. You have to listen. It's crude but very effective. She clearly believes that the justice system would work better if she could shock your private parts with a thousand volts rather than use the gavel. I think she might be a republican.

Judge Marilyn Milian: (The hottest judge on Television)...must be menopause.

Judge Milian is much more tolerant of litigants on "The People's Court". She is better at explaining some of the nuances of the law than Judy. She never calls anybody names like "idiot , stupid, or other demeaning names. Judy treats everybody like trailer trash. Judge Milian treats everybody with dignity even when she can't stand the people. She gets angry occasionally and hollers at the litigants. She is also very effective. She may be a Democrat.

Defense #1: My favorite: It was a gift. or, as I like to call it: The Beautiful Whore defense if you are a girl, The handsome Gigolo defense if you are a guy.

How it works: litigant: "I am so gorgeous and desired that he wooed me with $5,000 so I could get my breast implants when I asked him for the money. A week later I told him I didn't want to see him any more but we are only friends anyway, your honor." GUYS:for fixing up the pimpmobile, or the gold neck chains. a week later break up with the girl.

Defense #2: The dog ate my proof or I didn't know I would need it so I didn't bring it.

In this defense one or both of the litigants don't have a shred of proof of anything.

Litigant: I left my proof home. I didn't get it from the bank on time.

Judge Milian: "Didn't you know you were going to be here today? What were you saving all those receipts for? Duh!!!! ....You have the burden of proof and you didn't bring your proof which you claim to have. Stick a fork in me, I'm SO done. Your case is dismissed."

These are a couple of my favorites. It happens over and over again. Then they will be interviewed outside the courtroom.

Interview:"I didn't get a chance to give all my evidence. She did not let me explain why I ran over that woman pedestrian three times while I was drunk. She made an obscene gesture to me when she walked in front of my car. I have witnesses. This is not fair!!!!!"

"Harvey!!!!"

Harvey Levin's tip of the day: GET IT IN WRITING!!!!!!