TIME TO HIT THE PUBLISH BUTTON?

I started to journal a year ago.

April 1, 2014 (Journal entry)

I awoke this morning with a cranium packed with mirthful schemes to make this an exciting April fools day.  (I wonder if people are going to buy this story?  I just won't mention to anyone that it is August 20th.)

Perhaps I will do the old "dog poop in a bag" trick.  This could be problematic.  We do not have any paper bags.  We have plastic bags.  We always used to be asked "paper or plastic?"  The clerk doesn't ask any more.  The groceries are shoved into a thin plastic bag which disintegrates half way to your car.

The LFL (little french lady) decided to smear the doggie doo all over our neighbors door handle.  This is actually more efficient.  My back up plan was to paint his house with a new shade of paint called limburg cheese.  When it dries in the sun…yum, yum!!
We will go with my plan.

You cannot buy this at Sherwin Williams.
I will report the results in my next journal entry.  Tomorrow…..April 2nd.

August 20,2014 (oops), April 2nd, 2014 (Journal entry)

Ummm…I forgot to factor in the wind with the Limburg cheese…ummm paint.  It doesn't smell good especially in the heat. I should have remembered this from college.  Someone put Limburg cheese on the radiators in the communal shower room in the dorm.  No one took showers for weeks.  The Agricultural students were not even allowed into the dorm.  They already were stinky.

We have rented a motel for a few weeks or until the essence abates.

April 3rd, 2014 (Journal entry)

I am sitting here drinking my morning coffee and reading the paper.  I read that they have the Ebola virus under control in West Africa.  The Israeli and the Palestinian are getting along well and since the American left Iraq everything is running like a well oiled machine.  Well…finally some good news!!!

April 4th 2014 (Journal entry)

Some nights I have trouble sleeping.   I think about things.  Since the Limburg incident my wife (LFL) has been cooking strangely, but this morning she has explained her logic.

We have been eating beans, pickled eggs, cabbage, bananas, prunes, broccoli and cauliflower to name a few items.

"Why?", I queried

The little french lady reasoned: If we can't get rid of the Limburg cheese smell, we can use it as subterfuge to get rid of our flatulent inducing foods.   I like the way this lady stinks thinks.    She also mentioned a couple of benefits from this.  We are heating our house with gas this week and we haven't had many visitors.  The Jehovah Witnesses did not stay long at all.  They just kinda threw a Watchtower at us and ran.  I hollered, "Bless You."

The wife always said, "When life give you a lemon make lemonade."

We did.

April 5th, 2014 (Journal entry)

Speaking of subterfuge, it is getting more difficult to fool my wife.  I have told her I was journaling every day.  I haven't written a word in about 130 days.  Hmmm,   maybe I shouldn't write this into my fake journal.

I have been doing things.  I have read a whole bunch of books.  Most of them don't have pictures.  I have my socks all rolled and my underwear and T-shirts have never looked neater.  I put them in color order after I ironed them.  The LFL doesn't like flatirons.  I do.  

Sometimes I am a tad obsessive compulsive.  I once asked the guy who was in charge of the cemetery how much work it would be to put the grave stones in alphabetical order.  He said, "A lot. You would have to dig up all the bodies."

But not really.  Who would know? Who would care?  I had him thinking for a few minutes.  So I have been doing things that require deep thought.

April 6th 2014 (Journal entry)

I have been thinking about my autobiography.  I think I will have someone write it for me. LFL says "No,  That will be a biography."  I told her I will call my friend, Stephen King.  He will help me.

She said, "Good luck with that one."  I decided not to call.  I may need some help at some point.

I can't call my friend, Stuart Woods.  We're not on speaking terms. Never were.  I asked him to help me out of a writing dilemma. (My main character, Colt Brandisher, has a bullet racing towards his head in the first paragraph.)  He actually emailed me and said, "You got yourself into this, get yourself out."

Thanks, big boy!!  Colt is as good as dead.

April 7th 2014 (Journal entry)

My OCD is acting up again.  I cannot read a book without putting every word in alphabetical order and I demanded to the LFL that my alphabet soup only have vowels. It is slow going.  I have washed the cat three times today.  I am ready to wash her again but I can't find her.
I am trying to get the LFL to become a lawyer.  We watch Judge Judy and the Peoples Court every day.  She has learned a lot about the law in the USA.    The problem with LFL is; She would have many of these people executed for stupidity.  She could probably do the Doctor Phil show too. We often turn each other and ask, "Where do they find these people?   Crazies!!!!!

I think I am getting caught up on my blogging.

I would love to write more but I have used up my supply of vowels for the day.
Gxttx gx!!!

It is what it is…and other meaningful thoughts.

Whatever!!!

The solution to many of life's problems can usually be solved by a little creativity.  In fact the little French lady and I thought of a solution to one of our major complaints.

We thought it would be a wonderful idea if the state and federal powers would make it legal for a citizen to shoot another citizen that was texting while driving or talking on their cellphone.  We quickly realize that our logic was flawed.  We simply could not afford that much ammunition to get the job done.

Bruce:

Would anyone be surprised if Bruce Jenner came out and said he was raped by Bill Cosby?

Would anyone be surprised if Bruce Jenner came out with a women's sports clothing line for big muscular women at Target?

Would anyone be surprised if Bruce Jenner's rear end collision was not his first?

Would it surprise you if Bruce said to (step-daughter) Kim Kardasian,  "How long are you going to drag that big ass around?"…  and he was talking about Kanye West.

Moving on…

3 dots is considered good grammar, 4…not so much.  There is a name for three dots. Ellipsis.
Ellipsis?….Huh!…?  Oops!

My bank problem.  My bank charged me an overdraft fee.  They know that I already don't have enough money.  They told me.  Why are they charging me?  Don't they get it?  Obtuse or what?

My wife asked me why Tarzan doesn't have a beard.   Does anyone have an answer?

I must be getting old.  I purchased a term life insurance policy.  The first payment was higher than the face value.   This might be a bad investment.

Zen sarcasm:
Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the hell alone.

Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.

If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

Life at home:
My wife hid my air guitar.

I just read a book about the Stockholm Syndrome.  It wasn't very good at first but towards the end I kinda liked it.

My wife sent me out to buy some cheap meat.  I returned with  10 pound of deer testicles.  I got them cheap…..under a buck.

My budding writing career.

I have been thinking about writing my autobiography.
No….no!!! Not the one that says….Jon went to his eternal whatever today surrounded by his family.
"Hey…why are you surrounding me?…back up!!!!"
That is called an obituary.

I want mine to start like James Michener novel and end like the bible apocalypse.  Both excellent fiction, just like my autobiography.  Oh, I can throw in a few seeds of truth and see what falsehood I can propagate from that,  just like Brian Williams.

Today I went to my blogger profile page to update my biography.  I quickly realized that nothing has changed.  I am as boring as I was in 2009.

I was going to add a couple of things but I already had enough information.  You don't really need to know about my bowel movements. NOTE: calculating bowel movement when you are a senior citizen is an inprecise science.  Maybe it should be considered an art, not a science,  but I digress in my babbling.

Let me do a personal inventory of my life since 2009.
I am older,  I have less hair,  I do not see as well,  I do not hear as well.  I have a new cat and a new wristwatch.  That's it!!!   Some of my friends have had some great adventures.   I could steal their lives.

I will write their lives. It will be great.
Sadly, I will not be able to go on any book tours after it is published.
I am not a good liar.  I could not stand in front of an audience and lie.
I would start to sweat profusely, stutter like crazy, hysterical weeping, diarrhea, and projectile vomiting may be involved.

I think I can do this writing thing.  My friends, James Patterson and Ernest Hemingway John Grisham agree.

Can you hear me now? NO?

redux

The hardest part of blogging is starting again.   I have many ideas, but the problem with writing is that real life sometime intervenes. The little French lady and I have some health issues that we are getting resolved.  It has brought our nerves a little closer to the surface.  We get annoyed more easily.  We are getting annoyed with people especially the ones we see on television.  Examples below.

Dr. Phil
I ask myself everyday why Doctor Phil needs a drummer.  We start to watch the episode and suddenly Buddy Rich and Gene Krupa start practicing.
My wife turns to me and says, " What did Dr. Phil say?'
"I think he said something about boom boom sex boom two sided pancake rodeo."
"Really?"
"Umm…maybe.  I heard something about a pancake rodeo,  I threw in the sex thing."  We don't have a clue what the Doctor Phil show is about anymore.  We haven't for several years.
Perhaps the drummer knows.

Pawn Stars

We have been watching Pawn stars this year.  We used to watch Hardcore Pawn, where Ashley and Seth insult each other continuously and the father, Les Gold, just stands there in his leather jacket with his mouth wide open and his eyes wide in disbelief at the spectacle of his son and daughter having a fist fight over who is going to run the company when Les drops dead of a heart attack, which appears imminent.

We looked at each other one night while watching Hardcore Pawn.  The little French lady's mouth was wide open and her eyes were wide in disbelief.  She turned to me and said, "Why are you drooling?" The answer was because I was watching Hardcore Pawn and Ashley, Seth and Les were once again fighting and my mouth was wide open.  I tend to drool when I leave my mouth open for more than 30 straight minutes.  That was the last episode we watched.

We watch Pawn Stars now.  The stars are the Harrison family, a pleasantly unattractive family made up of the old man, Rick, and Corey; Chumley (a friend) is the comic relief.  The Harrisons are a lot more fun to watch.  The whole family plus Chumley went on a diet and everyone lost a lot of weight.  No one  got much better looking. They are, to put it delicately, "big boned" and "big uglied."

The characters are: Richard Harrison Sr. (The Old Man).  His job is to sit at his desk and be grumpy or asleep.  He is the patriarch and the pawn star emeritus of the show.  He rarely does anything but bitch, eat and sleep at his desk.  I haven't seen a wheel chair so I assume he can still walk, but he doesn't .

Rick jr. is the guy who seems to be in charge.  He is a very knowledgeable guy. He knows plenty but he often refers to experts in certain fields.  The irritating thing about Rick is his laughter. He will just bust out with a chuckle or chortle over things that are not funny.

Corey is Rick's son.  He has just a delightful personality….I am told.  His main job is to get Chumley to annoy Rick.  Corey lost 192 pounds.  Impressive. The Little French Lady does not like him much, because he disrespects Rick jr. a lot.

Chumley is the star of the show.  His job is to scheme up ways to do very little work and annoy Rick. We believe the producers of the show make Chumley look like he has an IQ somewhere between 5 and 50.  He plays the part well.  They have shown a few segments where Chumley was pretty intelligent.
Some of his schemes are brilliant but doomed to failure in the end.

Person of Interest/The Blacklist

These two shows are interchangeable.  The only real difference is the whispering.  The main characters of POI is John Reese, a former CIA muscle guy and Harold (insert bird name here).  They whisper a lot.
I couldn't hear what they were saying.   I outsmarted them.  I put it on closed caption.

The whispering was in real small letters.  They outsmarted me.

I purchased a 62 inch TV through Medicare. I could read the captions.  I told Medicare it was a hearing aid.  I didn't lie.  I outsmarted everybody…except the little French Lady.  She hates it when something is scrolling at the bottom of the screen.  She disabled CC.
She still asks me what is happening.  I tell her I haven't heard anything but whispers since the first show and I haven't understood the plot since the second show.

Since The Blacklist is running the same plot line I get my thirst for murder and mayhem quench at that troth.  I also find that James Spader is as deviously good as Raymond Reddington.  He has a body count in this show that the "American Sniper" would envy.

POI will end the series when Harold's last name is Buzzard or Vulture.
Blacklist will end when Harold disables Samaritan and puts his own machine back on line which will help Raymond Reddington find the bad guys from the Blacklist.

Well, I guess I wrapped up that package nicely.  Now if I can can get Reddington to kill the drummer on Doctor Phil.  That will be the nice little bow on the package.

I told you they were interchangeable.