Tuesday, November 22, 2011

Anderson Cooper and other hairy issues

Goodbye Doctor Phil.
No more hair raising stories.

No more road trips, I have a daily program.

The little French Lady and I have watched Doctor Phil for eight years.  One day, while we were watching Phil, he looked into the camera and said, "How's that working for you?"  My wife and I looked at each other and said, "It's not, Dr. Phil."

We had heard his home spun pithy maxims at least a few hundred times.  I think I could do his program if he decides to go on vacation or retire.  The only thing required of me for hosting his show will be to say three things.  
  • How's that workin fer ya?
  • This ain't my first rodeo.
  • No matter how thick the pancake, it still has two sides 
Obviously he has not seen my mother's pancakes.  They were so thick that they qualified as having three sides.
But once again I digress.
We grow weary of you, Doctor Phil.
We are moving on but we have a problem.  My wife and I tend to take on the persona of the favorite television people that we admire.  Someone who has the same core values as we do.
I must model myself after someone new.  I have eliminated numerous candidates.  It is down to Andy Rooney,  Larry King, or Anderson Cooper.  
  • Andy Rooney   (deceased)
  • Larry King  (I do not own suspenders or a bowtie)
  • Anderson Cooper (We both have similar hairstyle and color)
That was easy.
Now the little French Lady must decide who she is going to model herself after.
It is down to Judge Marilyn Milian of "People's Court" , Judge Judy of "Judge Judy", or Sarah Palin of "I can see Russia from my front porch", and I believe she was involved in politics at one time.  We both like Rachel Maddow.  I think she is a hottie.  My wife just smirks and says, "okey...dokey.  Good luck with that."

We both like to watch Judge Judy.  Judy gets a little cranky occasionally.  We both have taken on her persona lately.
The other morning when I was in my pre-coffee stupor and barely aware that I was actually awake, my sweetie said something to me which apparently bounced off the outer edge of my cranial cavity.  She was not pleased.
She found a pencil or a hammer or some pointy instrument and whacked it off the table surface.
I lifted my befogged head and she took her two fingers closest to her thumb, pointed them at her eyes and shook them.
"Here!!...look here. Not at the ceiling or the floor. Here!!!"
I just looked up and said, " It was a gift, your honor."
She really does have her Judy moments.

In the morning I am more like Rick (OMG!!!!) Perry.  I would really like to be more like my buddy, Anderson.
It is too bad about Anderson.  He just had his first cup of coffee last week on his television show.  He had a hyper coffee buzz.  He likes it but I don't think he needs it.

I suppose the second choice of personas I might choose to be is Mike Holmes of "Holmes on Homes." and "Holmes Inspection". He is a Canadian guy who fixes other contractors' goofs.  His program is very popular on HGTV.
This guy looks a lot like me.  He is built like me. His hair is the same color as mine. (My wife made me strike the other two sentences.)
She took a pencil, whacked on my keyboard, pointed two finger at her eyes and said, "Look here......seek.... professional.... help!!!!"
Hah! I know a lot more about contracting and fixing houses than she thinks.
"That's ridicoolus!!!"
One day I was lining up nails. Some of the nail heads were facing left and some were facing right.  I told her the ones facing left were inside nails, the ones facing right were outside nails.  I told her I needed more left nails so I sent her to the hardware store.
She was very annoyed when she got back.  She kept saying, "That's ridicoolus!!!". Just like Judge Judy.

Just when I think I have lost her to Judge Judy,  she will come up with some Cuban homily of Judge Marilyn Milian.
So it's been decided.
I am going to model my life after Mike Holmes and my sweetie is still trying to decide between Ellen De Generes, Michelle Obama or Nancy Grace.

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