Senior moments (Relativity explained here!)

Bullets for a better world.

Yesterday my wife, the little French lady, explained relativity to me and she didn't need Einstein around to explain it. She used the three hair theorem. 

• If I had 3 hairs on my head that wouldn't be very much hair.  If I had those same three hairs floating in my soup, that's a lot of hair. It's relative.  See...no Einstein required.
• Ahhh....Relativity.  When I was growing up the superheros wore their underwear on the outside and had big capes.  In the fifties they were called Superman, Batman, Captain Marvel.  Now they are called Interior Decorators or Rap singers.
• In the 50's these Superheros had young companions or proteges who lived with them. In the 50's that was OK.  Now the men would be called Monsignor.
• When Superman was a child and his  "mother" made his "uniform", what kind of thread and scissors did she use to cut and sew the cloth?  I worry about this stuff.
• I am trying to learn Spanish.  Those people have a different word for everything. When I visited Montreal,  I thought if I talked louder they would understand me.  I asked my wife what was wrong with these people?  Why aren't they speaking English?  Didn't you tell them about my impending visit?   She said she forgot.

• When I was growing up in the fifties, my dad worked, my mom stayed home. We owned our house,  my father bought a brand new 1955 Chevy,  our health plan was taken care of by my dad's employer. Everybody in our town was a Republican.  We wondered why anyone would be a Democrat.  We knew nothing of poor people, civil rights, poor schools.  We knew nothing of that other world.
• Times change.  We elected a black Democrat president.  My dear republicans are furious.  How could this happen?  I wonder?  Could it be that their leadership is less than inspiring?  Are George Bush, Dick Cheney, and Sarah Palin the cream of the crop?  Yikes.  Could it be that a majority of americans are concerned about things such as health care?  I really don't care if he was born in Kenya or Hawaii.  
• Rick Perry: OMG!!!!!!
• Former Presidents: George Washington? Father of our country? That is the only thing he fathered.  He had no children of his own.  James Madison? Ditto!!
• President James Garfield was assassinated by...his doctors.  Yeah, yeah...I know. Someone shot him.  If the doctor had left him alone he would have recovered.  He had seen 16 different doctors.  Sadly they poked around inside him trying to find the bullet.  While doing so, they lacerated his liver, he got an infection and died 89 days after he was shot.   An autopsy showed the bullet encapsulated. Oops!!
• Wakes! What a wonderful tradition.  Wakes were started because people in the olden days had a nasty habit of burying people who were still alive. Someone suggested they hold off for a few days before we bury this unmoving person.  The person may "wake" up.  I know I would be real cranky if I woke up from a big hangover, inside a pine box wearing a tie, white shirt and a suit coat, and jockey shorts.  "Hey, get me outa here. My mouth feels like I ate cotton candy. Where's my pants and socks?  What are these pennies doing on my eyes?"  I am sure this could have happened to a few of my Irish ancestors.
• People are protesting the Wall Street shenanigans? What took so long?  The liberal's answer to the Tea party?  Isn't this almost Anti-American and unpatriotic, Rush? 

I just had to get this stuff off my chest, along with those three hairs I just shaved off.

Gotta go to lunch now.

What's that floating in my soup?  Relativity?