Tuesday, March 29, 2011


I pledge allegiance to my belly...?

Awkward seems to be my favorite word lately.  I misappropriated it from the little French lady.  You would think she would use the word gauche. She seems to be using awkward on a regular basis.  It seems to go well with her other favorite word, "obtuse".
For those of you who tuned in late I will define the difference between awkward and obtuse.  At least I will give you my definition.

Isn't math exciting and AWKWARD!?

Awkward is when someone crosses the street (jaywalking) while texting and I run them over with my Mazda, then I back over them trying to check out what I ran over.........."AWKWARD" .

Obtuse is when the family of the victim blames you for what happened.

Perhaps a better example of obtuse would be George W. Bush's presidency. 
An example of awkward would be George W. Bush's presidency.
Hmmm!.....This doesn't seem to be working  out as I expected.

Ok, I will try again.  Do you watch "The Office"?   Michael Scott is obtuse.  
This video on youtube will help define awkward.
We've all had those awkward moments.   Did you ever walk out of the bathroom with a toilet paper tail?  You go to an event and you're sitting in a chair and your legs are crossed and you realize your socks don't match, causing you to jump up quickly to hide it and you knock over a table, spilling your exotic red drink on the carpet. After that things really start getting awkward.
Did you ever go to somebody's house for coffee, take the milk out of their fridge, pour it into your coffee and ten minutes later find out you just used the breast milk meant for the baby sleeping upstairs?........A..W..K..W..A..R...D....!!!!!
Did you ever try to give a pregnant woman a hug but her belly was so large you shook hands with her instead?...AWKWARD!!!
Worse yet....You ask a lady how many months along are they are in their pregnancy and they say, "I'm not pregnant!!!!"....and they storm off in a big hissy fit.....Sorry!!!!....AWKWARD!!! 

Things can get a little strange.  I went to high five with someone and he didn't notice me so I hugged him instead.  I may have attempted to kiss him also, but I am trying to block that out of my mind. I am no longer invited to the Sunday football fest....AWKWARD!!!

Well at least I didn't go to the State of the Union speech and holler out, "you lie!!!" to the president. AWKWARD!!!!!  That one also qualifies in the obtuse category as well.

There are numerous awkward occasions in my life:

  • You think someone is talking to you.  They start swearing at you.  You finger them.  They were talking to someone behind you.  AWKWARD!!!!...DANGEROUS!!!!
  • In my youth I had a pair of ice skates.  We had an outdoor rink at our school.  I wore fairly thick glasses, and the ice rink had two puny spotlights.  We decided that we were going to do the "whip" a few times.  I took off my glasses and put them "somewhere". After we were done skating we decided to go home.  It was so cold my feet were frost bitten.  I could not find my glasses.  I walked home, a distance of two miles. When I got home and explained to my parents that I had lost my glasses, my father drove me back to the rink to look for them.  It was 10 o'clock at night.  I was hopeless looking for them in the dark.  When I got home and took off my boots,  I found my glasses.....inside my boot.  The frames were crushed but the lenses were ok.  My feet were so frostbitten that I could not feel anything.  I could have walked through crushed glass and I would not have felt a thing......AWKWARD!!!!...and very short sighted on my part.
  • Sometimes you get struck down by strange psychological conditions.  Sometimes I used to get a "shy kidney or bladder".  I would walk into a restroom, usually in a bar to use the urinal.  Five seconds after I walked in, someone else would walk in.  I would be standing at the urinal for a couple of minutes and the guy behind me would say, " Are you done yet?, I really have to go."   "Done yet??...I haven't even started!!!"  A  lot of  mumbling and swearing would commence. A gay guy asked me if I needed any help.  I told him I could handle this myself.  AWKWARD!!!! 
  • Sometimes a really good idea goes bad.  I am always trying to improve life on the planet.  I watched a program very recently on recycling human waste.  I had tinkered with this idea I  in the past.  One of my neighbor's dog took a large crap practically on our doorstep.  I purchased a large mouse trap, put it in a low gauge plastic bag that would rip easily, filled it with  his dog poop, put a string on the spring, wrapped it, put it on his doorstep and waited. It was spring loaded and ready to go. I was sure to do this late at night with great stealth.  When he opened his gift, it was regifted and recycled.  This is truly the definition of recycling. The neighbor did much cursing.  He did not seem to appreciate my gesture to improve the planet through recycling.  AWKWARD!
  •   I had a very similar idea with human waste.   I was going to save my own human waste and sell it around the neighborhood.  I asked my wife to do the same.  She is very resistant to this proposal.  In fact, she insists that I get some type of psychological counseling.  She didn't say it exactly like that.  One of her suggestions was for me to call my hometown and see if their village idiot is missing.  What do you suppose she meant by that?
  • If you really want to get revenge on someone all you have to do is send them a letter with the heading:  Herpes Testing Lab, U.S. Communist Party membership drive, Subscription renewal for Gay Hustler Magazine.....well, you get the idea. AWKWARD!
Isn't life just a series of awkward events interlaced with moments of lucidity?  There is no doubt in my mind.
No awkward events in you life?  "You lie!!!!"


  1. Great philosophy that life is just a series of interlaced awkward and lucid moments!


  2. Good rule of thumb, never ask a woman if she's pregnant. :-)