Monday, December 13, 2010

Is that any way to treat a hero?


It all started innocently enough. In fact, I kinda looked upon myself as a hero. Heroes need to be rewarded but that's not what happened.

My wife and I are people who like our home to smell nice. We have many things that have a wonderful aroma. We have numerous essential oils, scented candles, a variety of incense sticks and numerous diffusers. We have something aromatic in every room. We don't count the utility room where Wilson has his litter box.

One day I turned on one of the candle wax warmers, put some oil in it and let it do its job. When I went to turn it off, it gave me a wonderful light show, it started sparking and smoke was coming from the switch. I crawled under the dresser the best I could and I pulled the plug.(I am now a hero. I saved our house, perhaps the whole street, perhaps the whole north end.)
That warmer was finished. Some parts were salvageable such as the glass area where the wax sits in while it is heating up. I didn't throw that away. I will clean it up.
This morning I decided to clean it up. That is when things started getting a little strange. I cleaned off the wax and the essential oil. The essential oil was called "Pussy".
It was recommended by our friend Samantha who has a large booth at the flea market. She had hundreds of different essences to choose from and she said this one was currently a hot seller and it had a nice aroma. We had purchased a few other oils there such as Egyptian Musk, French Lavender, Patchouli, and several others.

Some of the other oils had strange or provocative names. We all had a few good laugh about the one we had just purchased. None of us were prudish about it.

So...while I am cleaning up the essential oil of the day, the doorbell rings. It's my neighbor, Prudence Goodbody, neighborhood snoop and troublemaker.
I open the door and invite her in. What trouble can I get into? My wife is upstairs working.
"Hi, remember me? I'm Prudence....your neighbor? I live a few houses away. Listen, I have this petition for you to sign. It's about our other neighbor's dog. There is dog poop all over the place. I told him we are getting up a petition to get this resolved by County animal control."
Note: This is a strict area for curbing your dog. The city doesn't like dog poop all over the place, especially this close to the beach.

"I'll sign, but I have already resolved it in my own mind. I'm going to scoop up the poop, put it in a bag, put it on his doorstep and set it on fire." I stated proudly.

While I was signing the petition she said, "It smells wonderful in here, certainly better than it does outdoors. What is that aroma?"

In a moment of madness or truthful folly, I am not sure which, I said, "Pussy."
which it was!!!!!

A long silence, then,..... "EXCUSE ME!!!!
Oops!...try to save yourself, son!...try to save yourself.
"Pussy you said?"
"Ummm!..yeah...they were selling it at the flea market. " (somehow I don't think that is exactly what I wanted to say.)

Maybe I can still salvage this. "Samantha sells a lot of it, she has a booth."
Nope! Do not resuscitate. no salvage possibilities. This would not be a good time to invite her to the donkey barbecue.
Just go with the flow.
"They're selling it openly in a public place?!!!!"
"Yes...Yes, a lot of it. People are even asking for "Sex on the Beach" and a lot of other stuff too." I asked her if she would like some.
She slapped me and then fainted. I revived her by throwing a glass of water on her face. I had seen it done in the movies many times. She got to her feet, slapped my face again. Then she called me a perverted pig. She ran away screaming for the police.

When the police arrived, I explained the situation. She over reacted to the name of some of the essential oils. Did I mention that to Prudence? That the aroma was essential oils?..I thought I did. Perhaps I got caught up in the moment.

The police are going to explain that I really didn't want to have "Sex on the Beach" with her......eventually. For now I will just be a hero in my own mind.
sniff! sniff!! It sure does smell purdy in here!!!!!
What is that scent? It's...either Patchouli, sandalwood or.....Is that the doorbell ringing again?


  1. And to think, I'm just happy when my house doesn't smell like dog or old trash!

  2. ROFL!!
    I'm going to send a link to my Dad's blog!! ya'll have the same writing styles and I think you'd enjoy his writings!!


  3. My dad's blog...

  4. My mother used to say that browning an onion always made the house smell good.

    That was a very funny post. My only complaint was that I couldn't see the link for comments until I highlighted the entire post. (Yeah, my page does that sometimes too, but I don't design...)

    The Mingling Empress

  5. You're a hero. No doubt about it. Great post.


  6. This had me in tears. I don't think you'll be bothered by Prudence again.

    :: mingle ::

  7. However "pussy" smells, I'm sure it would be an improvement over "poopy," which most of our house smells like at the moment.

    You've brightened my day.

    *mingle* (but I'd be reading anyway)