I just bought a "killer" GPS, really!!!

Geocaching can be hell!!!

I am always looking for bargains. I buy many used books through Amazon and I keep an eye on Ebay for a good deal. In recent days I have been looking for a trail GPS.

On the first of October I was on Ebay looking at Electronic stuff when I happen to come across a GPS of my dreams. I could not believe my good fortune.

The ad read something like this:

Killer GPS for sale. It's the Garmon Styx 666. The hottest deal on the internet. This unit will take you places you have never been before.

It even had a review from a lady named "Helen Karnate". She even gave me her cell phone number 999-7734.

She said she purchased it from the estate of a man named "Bob", who walked over a cliff on his way to church. Well, the price was right so I purchased the Damn thing. I had uneasy feeling that I was missing something.

The unit arrived after a three day wait. oddly, it did not have a return address. The instructions were written in English, but when my wife looked at them she said they were written in French, the condo associations lawn care person, Pedro, said it was Spanish.

I read the instructions and then turned the unit on.

It immediately said, "Hello, Robert!...Where would you like to go?...Oh, too bad. We will not have time to go there today." I replied angrily, "Go to hell!!" The GPS responded, "I thought you would never ask, Robert."

The unit and I argued most of the afternoon. He told me that the world was coming to an end on 10-10-10 at 10:10 AM. He referred to it as Binary Doomsday.

I started to believe in him.

I was going to sell our furniture on Craig's list, but who would buy it with less than a month to live and how would I spend the money. So I decided to enjoy my remaining days by doing some geocaching. I thought this would be enjoyable and healthy.

Sadly my GPS would tell me to walk two miles into the Atlantic Ocean or try to get my to find geocaches in really bad places like in the middle of the interstate.

"Your geocaches is right there, Robert. Get it." Traffic would be rushing by and vehicles honking at me.

I soon became weary of Geocaching and my wife got tired of going down to the police station or the psychiatric unit of the hospital to retrieve me.

Finally, The day arrived. Binary Doomsday! 10-10-10

01110100011010000110010100100000011001010110111001100100 (the end?)

At 9:45, I enclosed my self in bubble wrap, put in the earplugs, ate my last peanut butter sandwich, closed my eyes and waited for the end. I started humming so I would not hear it.

I felt something touch me. It must be the hand of God.

ME:"Is that you, God?"

GOD:"Uh,uh!" (That sounded like my wife!!!!)

ME: "Are we in heaven together?"

WIFE/GOD??: "Yup, We moved to Myrtle Beach two and half years ago. Now wake up and open your eyes, you crazy coot. Your snoring is starting to annoy me."

ME: "How long have I been snoring?"

WIFE" Since 1993!!!!!"

Well, I guess it must be 11-11-11. I must have a talk with my GPS.

"Well, What do you have to say to yourself, GPS?"

GPS: "You're still here, Robert?"

That's it. That was all I could take. I remembered a Star Trek episode "The Changling" that might apply in this particular case. I used that strategy.

ME:"My name is not Robert."

GPS: Excuse me?"

ME: "You have me confused with someone else."

GPS: "LOL, WTF, OMG, LMAO, OHOH!( GPS starts to smoke and spark).

My Styx 666 had a fiery demise.

Later that day I was looking for a new GPS. I came across a Garmin etrex. I purchased it. I noticed it was spelled differently than the one I originally ordered. Mine was a Garmon. This one is a Garmin. HMMM?

Perhaps I will formulate a missive to Captain James T. Kirk. I think he saved my life.